A Goal For No Love

Well, with December almost over and the new year almost upon us, I thought I’d try to get at least one post up for this month. So, I thought I’d tell you about my New Year’s resolution, seeing as it applies to dating.Yesterday, at my singles ward, in sacrament meeting, the speakers were talking about setting goals. There were four speakers and each one of them talked about different parts of the goal setting process. The first speaker spoke specifically about goals in dating. I’m sure they were talking about New Year’s resolutions, so I began to think of what I’d like to accomplish in the coming year as far as dating goes and I came up with something that I’d like to think is a pretty epic goal.

During the coming year, I’ve decided that I can’t fall in love with anyone. Not even once. If I fall in love with anyone, I lose. And I’m not talking about just having a crush on someone. No, I’m talking about myself and someone else falling in love with each other. Real love, not just like. Although, I’m probably going to try to avoid falling in like with anyone as well, simply because like will usually lead to love if you let it.

You’re probably wondering how I came up with this goal and why I decided to go with it. Well, it’s really pretty simple. In the past several years, falling in love with people has brought me nothing but sorrow, simply because the love I had for them was not reciprocated. Don’t get me wrong; love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, when it is returned to you. When it’s not, however, it can be a very soul-crushing feeling. I’ve been on the soul-crushing end more than not these past few years, so you can imagine how the thought of not falling in love with anyone would appeal to me. So, I decided to make that my goal for the year.

But, and I’m sure you’ve thought this already, how is that an epic goal? To most people, it isn’t, but if you think about it, it really is. Let me explain: If I succeed at my goal and don’t fall in love for a whole year, I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I followed through and accomplished a goal I set for myself. If, however, I fail at my goal and fall in love with someone (someone who loves me back) I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I love someone who loves me. It’s really a win-win situation. There is some bittersweetness to the goal. If I do fall in love and become happy for that reason, there’s always the chance that things will go sour between myself and the girl, which would lead to some major unhappiness, but I’m going to try to not think too much about that.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have goals set for the new year that have to do with dating? If so, what are they? Share them with us!

By the way, I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to stop dating, because I'm not.

Bomb Dates

Okay, I'm sure I've told you plenty of thoughts and ideas I've had for dates, some of them were probably good, some not so good. But, have any of you ever been on a date that just tanked? I'm not talking about a date where you felt awkward around the other person. No, I'm talking about a date that will go down in your personal history as a terrible, no good date; a date that followed all the laws of Murphy. (Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.)

I've had a couple that I can think of. I won't share the gritty details of them, but I'll just say this: I still use the stories of those dates to scare small children into never wanting to date. I mean, they were some of the worst experiences of my social life. I'm not saying that the person I was with was a terrible person or anything like that, but it just seemed that we didn't really "click" and probably never would, but we were stuck with each other for at least a few hours, although it seemed like much longer to me.

I think I actually will share one of my bad dating experiences with you. One date in particular stands out to me. It was actually the first date I ever went on, ironically. It was my junior year of high school and I had been asked to the Christmas dance by a very good friend or mine. It seemed that it would be a great way to start dating. But, alas, such was not to be. Everything seemed to crash on this date. During the day activity I think I only saw my date once, as she seemed to want to hang out and talk to anyone but me. Dinner was really the only part of the date that seemed to go well, although my date once again seemed more interested in the other people at the table. As for the actual dance? Well, my date and I slow danced for about 25 seconds of one song, then she decided that she'd much rather drag me around the room and talk to her friends. I think I said maybe one complete sentence to my date the whole time we were there. Needless to say, it wasn't the grand entrance into the dating scene that I'd hoped for.

I could go on with other horror stories from my dating life, but I think I'd much rather hear from the rest of you. Have you been on a particularly terrible date? What made it so bad? Was it the person you were with? The activity? The doorstep scene? Share your stories with us.

I'm No Professional

First off, I’d like to apologize for my absence. I’ve been really trying to think of things to write about, but where this is a dating blog, and I haven’t really been doing much dating, I’ve been hard up for things to write about. But, I’ll really try to be better at regular posting again.

Okay, I know that I’m nowhere near qualified to give advice on dating, especially where I have so much trouble with it myself, but I thought I might give some advice to those of you who are dealing with heartbreak at this time. Break ups are hard for everyone, and they are also going to feel different for each person in each relationship. When two people break up, one person is usually going to feel much worse than the other person. Although, hopefully, the person who did the breaking up is sad as well, because if you break someone’s heart and don’t feel any kind of remorse, that’s just terrible.

Possibly the best advice I can give to anyone going through a breakup is this: don’t keep the sadness and hurt that you’re undoubtedly feeling bottled up inside you. Let things out, vent to your friends and family, write about it in a blog or journal. You’re supposed to feel sad and hurt, so let people know that’s how you’re feeling. If they are really your friends, they’ll listen and feel sad for you. If you keep feelings of any kind, but especially sadness, bottled up inside you, they are going to become harder and harder to deal with when they finally do surface. Feelings are a lot like money in that sense, but instead of saving them, you need to spend them as fast as you can, or else they’ll grow bigger and more difficult to handle.

I would also like to say that, after the breakup has happened, it’s probably not your best idea to immediately start back into the dating world. You’re going to have feelings to deal with that could mess up any relationship that might come your way, be it small or large. When you’ve been through a breakup, you’re going to feel alone and vulnerable and will begin to reach out to anyone who you think can fill the void that has been created in your world. The biggest problem with this is that you’re going to try to get right back to where you were in your last relationship, but with a new person, and that’s not a good thing. As hard as it will be, you will want to take your time with dating. It’s normal for people to jump straight into what is called a “rebound relationship”. Rebound relationships are usually started and ended fast and will leave you feeling emptier than you did before. Just remember to pace yourself when you finally do decide to start dating again. Go on dates, but try to avoid getting too serious too fast.

I know that, this being an LDS dating blog, the church leaders look down on “hanging out” over dating, but when you’re just barely back into the dating scene, sometimes hanging out is better for you. You’re going to meet more people that you might like to ask out when you’re with a group of people than you will when you’re on a one-on-one date. If you happen to go to a singles ward, try to go to the ward activities. Those are great ways to meet other people you might be interested in. I know that most singles wards do a ward Family Home Evening every week, and I highly recommend going to it. Other than getting a spiritual uplift, you’re going to have a chance to mingle with other people your age who have the same values as you do, which is nice.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have advice for people who are going through a hard breakup? Let’s try to get another discussion going in the comments. Help each other out.

I'm A Man Of Many Blogs

Alright, I'll make this quick. I have another blog up! I know, I know, what do I need with another blog? Well, to be honest, this new blog has actually been around for a while, it's just been stagnating for over a year. The new blog is: Chair Digest. The blog was originally going to be an online magazine about chairs, but I've decided to make it my everything else blog. So, if you like the kind of stuff I write about on here, check out Chair Digest.

I Hate Waiting

Okay, I know I’ve talked a lot about missionaries on this blog, but I’m going to do it one more time, so bear with me.

Let’s start off by presenting a scenario. This is going to be like a “choose your own adventure” novel, but I’m going to be choosing all of the endings. We’ll start off by putting a guy and a girl together. They’ve just graduated from high school and have been dating since the middle of their Junior year. They’re madly in love with one another and want to get married, but first, the guy has a mission to serve. Now comes the part where I’m going to give choices. Choice number one: The guy can ask the girl to wait for him so they can get married when he gets home. Choice number two: The guy can tell the girl not to wait for him and to live her life as she normally would and if she’s still available when he gets home, they can see what happens. Choice number three: The guy can invite the girl to do the Macarena with him every Saturday until he leaves then he must go back and choose between #1 and #2.

Let’s say that the guy chooses #3 and then #1; he asks the girl to wait for two years while he serves the Lord. Basically, the guy is asking the girl to put her life on hold for two years in the hopes that they will still love each other when he gets home. Yes, it’s a noble thing to do and, yes, it’s a sure sign that you love each other if she agrees, but it’s also an incredibly selfish thing to ask another person. In my opinion it doesn’t matter how in love you are with another person, there is no guarantee that you will feel the same way about them after not seeing them for two years, and vice versa. There are going to be so many things changing in both of your lives during those two years that when you see each other again, you are going to be two completely different people. Your feelings could still be the same for each other… at first, but after being together for the first couple of weeks back, you might find that the person you waited 730 days for is not the same person you remember and that you’re no longer sure how you feel about them. When a guy asks a girl to wait, he is denying her many, many opportunities to live while he is gone. Yes, you may be in love when he left, but when you put your life on hold for that long, you pass up all those chances to meet new people, particularly of the opposite gender. I’m not talking about the casual meetings of new people, but really meeting them. Because, let’s be serious, when you’re waiting for somebody, you’re not really yourself when you meet a new person. You don’t allow yourself free with them to see if there could possibly be a connection between the two of you, do you? No, you keep your true self bottled up inside where it can’t possibly do anything to ruin what you have with your missionary. It sounds sad, and it is, but it happens so much more often than most people will admit.

Okay, so, that didn’t work, but, luckily, we kept our finger on the page where we made the choice and we go back and decide to try the other option. The guy selects choice #3 followed by #2; he tells the girl not to wait for him and to live her life. If she is still available and interested when he gets home, they can try picking things up where they left off. First off, this is going to make the girl feel much better about the whole situation. She’s going to feel less like a possession that they guy boxes away next to his guitar and his Playstation while he’s gone, which is going to make her happier. She’ll be allowed to be her normal self around the people she meets and will likely make more friends than she would if she were waiting, which is also going to make her happy. The only catch to this choice is that the guy must really be prepared for her to move on from him. If he’s not, things are going to crash and burn, much like the Hindenburg, and it’s likely to reflect in his mission, and we don’t want that.

Yes, I know that there are occasions where the guy will ask the girl to wait, and she does, and things work out just fine for both of them. He gets home; they get married, and have a wonderful rest of their life. But, I haven’t seen that happen nearly as much as I have seen the alternative. Usually, if the girl agrees to wait, she will… for a while. But, eventually, she will start to distance herself from her missionary and will start to meet new people, which will usually lead to her falling in love with someone else and sending that dreaded “Dear John…” letter to her missionary. It’s a classic story. However, I’ve seen more relationships survive the mission when the guy doesn’t ask the girl to wait. I’m not sure why, but it just seems to work out that way.

This is just the opinion of a non-missionary. Have any of you been on one end or the other of the mission relationship? Did you wait or ask someone to wait? How did it work out for you in the end? Share with us. And to everyone else; what are your thoughts on waiting for a missionary? Do you think it’s the right thing to do? Or are you opposed to it? Again, share your thoughts with us.

Beauty: Soul

So, we’ve covered beauty in both the body and the mind, so what’s left? Soul. When you say someone has a beautiful soul, what exactly do you mean? For me, it means their emotions, their ability to love, are so great that it makes them much more beautiful than what most people see on the surface. There are many ways that a girl can show me that she has a beautiful soul. Is she kind to other people? Does she openly show love for others in both the things she says and the things she does? If we’re dating, does she genuinely seem to care about me and my feelings? Does she only try to build up not only other people, but herself as well? If the answer is yes to these questions, then she indeed has a beautiful soul in my mind.

A beautiful soul is probably vastly outweighs any other kind of beauty, in my opinion. Yes, intelligence is wonderful, but without the ability to love, it’s useless. A beautiful body is also quite nice, but if, beneath that body, you’re soul is filled with hate and resentment, you’re probably not as beautiful as others might think.

Beauty of the soul is also the hardest to find in people. I’m not saying that it’s hard to find because it’s not there, but it’s hard to find because you can’t really see it in people until you really get to know them. You’ll have to spend quite a bit of time with a person before you can honestly say that you have found their inner beauty. And if they don’t really have any, you’ll probably want to cast your line back out into the dating pool and wait for someone who does. Trust me; you’re going to want someone who is capable of being kind, loving and caring.

Laughter is also another great way to tell if a person has a beautiful soul. There’s a reason they say that laughter is the language of the soul. If a person laughs at another person’s misfortune, they’re probably not that beautiful on the inside. However, when they laugh because something truly is funny to them, it’s a different type of laugh and you can really see the beauty inside them.

So, what are some of the things you notice about other people’s inner beauty that you find attractive? Share your thoughts with us.

Beauty Part 1: Body

Beauty Part 2: Mind

Beauty Part 3: Soul

Beauty: Mind

Okay, in the last post, I talked about why physical attraction is important in a relationship. Today I’m going to talk about some of the other, deeper things about a girl that I find attractive.The first thing that comes to my mind is intelligence. If a girl is not able to carry on an intelligent conversation with me, then it’s highly unlikely that she and I will end up together. I’m an avid reader and have been since I was 3. I love to pick up a book and get lost in the world within it. (In case you can’t tell, I also love to write.) One of the first things I will ask a girl when deciding whether we would work in a relationship is whether or not they like to read. It’s really quite depressing to me how many of them will tell me that they hate to read and only do so when they absolutely have to. Any time I get a response like this from a girl, it’s already clear to me that we would never work together. Intelligence should always be fairly high up on anybody’s list of traits they look for in a partner. If you are only focusing on the physical traits of a person (the surface) you’re heading for a train wreck. I can personally attest to this fact. You need to be interested in more than just a person’s body, and if you can’t think of anything else about a person that attracts you, you should probably just move on to someone else. The human mind is a wonderful thing when it’s used, so find someone who uses theirs. No relationship is ever going to last if the two people cannot connect on an intellectual level as well as a physical level.

In a previous post, I talked about how being with someone who is smarter than you can be intimidating, and it can. But that shouldn’t be something that you let get in the way of a great relationship. It should really just be a sign to you that you need to smarten up. Go back to school, learn more, read more. That’s the beauty of the human mind; it’s always learning. If you really love a person and want to be with them, then you should be willing to make sacrifices to make them happy. And they are going to be happier if they can connect with you intellectually.

What about everyone else? How important is intelligence to you when it comes to relationships?

Beauty Part 1: Body

Beauty Part 2: Mind

Beauty Part 3: Soul

Beauty: Body

Physical attraction; I’ve mentioned this in several of my articles, but I’ve never really gone into detail about it. So, I’m going to today. What is the first thing you notice about someone from the opposite gender? Is it their beautiful face, their great body, their gorgeous smile, their wonderfully flawless skin or their deep sapphire eyes? Those are just examples; it could really be any physical features, which are honestly the first things we notice about someone. I often hear people say that the first thing they noticed about their partner was their sense of humor or the way they seemed to care about everyone. This may be the first thing that attracted them to their partner, but it’s not the first thing they noticed. The way you look is going to be one of the biggest factors in any first impression. That’s why we clean ourselves up when we go to a job interview or a blind date; we want people to see how nice we look so that they will think highly of us. I also hear a lot of people say that physical attractiveness isn’t important to them in the people they date, which is almost always a lie. What they’re really saying is that they have a broader idea of what they find attractive in a partner.

I’m going to be the first to admit that physical attraction (looks) are important to me in the people I date. Yes, I know I’m a jerk for saying this, but it’s true, as it should be in any relationship between two people. Because, and let’s be honest with ourselves, an attractive person is going to be more pleasing to look at, and if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person, it’s important that you like looking at them. I’m not trying to say that all girls have to look like supermodels, because not everybody looks for that, but I am saying that, no matter what attracts you, you should be with someone who you are physically attracted to.

I’m going to go off on a bit of a personal tangent here, so bear with me and try to not judge me as a jerk right off the bat. There are plenty of reasons why I like to be attracted to a girl I’m with which I personally don’t think are shallow. If I’m going to be with someone for time and all eternity, someone who I am going to be waking up next to every morning, I’d like that person to be pleasant to look at. Also, when a girl takes the time to make herself look nice (makeup, showering, etc.), it’s usually a good indicator that she things highly of herself and wants others to as well, which I like in a girl. I also like a girl who has a slim, fit figure. I’m not the most active person in the world, but I love to hike and play Ultimate Frisbee, and I’d like for the girls I’m with to be able to join me in those activities, and an overweight girl is not going to be able to do that. If a girl doesn’t care about the shape she’s in, it’s usually a good indicator to me that she doesn’t care about herself in general, which is a turn off to me.

So, does it make me a shallow jerk simply because I want a girl to like herself enough to care about what she looks like? If the answer is yes, then I guess I am a jerk. But, and I’ve probably said this before, I’d rather marry someone who is going to make me happy than not. And physical beauty is a key factor in making me happy.

What about everybody else? What physical traits to you find most attractive in the opposite gender? How important are those traits to you? Let’s have a discussion about it.

(Just so people don’t think I only focus on how a person looks, the next post is going to be about the other, deeper things that attract me to someone.)

Beauty Part 1: Body

Beauty Part 2:Mind

Beauty Part 3: Soul

Lies in Love

Alright, we’ve all told a lie at least once in our life, so don’t deny it. Most lies are told on purpose, but there are some lies that we tell that we don’t realize aren’t the truth. I’m going to talk about those types of lies today as they pertain to dating.Yes, many, many people will lie when it comes to dating, and I’m not just talking about when a teenager tells their parent’s that they love someone (when they really don’t) just so they can grind their parent’s gears. I’m talking about the unintentional lies that we tell others as well as ourselves.

There’s one particular dating lie I’d like to focus on and that’s the lie we tell when someone asks us what we look for in someone from the opposite sex. Girls, you will almost always say that you look for someone who is kind, caring, loving, supportive, sweet, funny, and who will treat you they way you deserve to be treated. But, for most girls, this is a big lie. If these traits were really something you looked for in a guy, there wouldn’t be as many guys matching that description that are single. Think about it; when a girl breaks up with a guy, how often do you hear her say that she broke up with him because he was too nice or too caring? It’s almost never. No sane girl will break up with a guy because he’s a wonderful person. Nearly 75% of the time the girl will break up with him because he is a rude, mean, uncouth, spiteful, vindictive, uncaring jerk. The other 25% of the time, it’s because the girl doesn’t really know what she wants in a guy or she has found someone else who they would rather be with.

Just so you gals don’t think I’m focusing on just you; guys, you do this too. Most guys will say that they want a girl who is smart, funny, and sexy and who accepts us for who we are. Other than sexy, most guys don’t really mean it when they say that, especially when it comes to the girl being smart. Usually, if a girl is smart, it means that she is smarter than the guy (usually by quite a bit), and while we guys find this to be a commendable trait, we also find it just a bit intimidating. That’s not to say that guys are going to look for a girl with the I.Q. of a bump on a log, nor does it mean that girls should dumb themselves down to make themselves more attractive to a guy. (Please, girls, don’t do that.) It just means that we have to be careful about the people we date. Girls; if you happen to be a bit smarter than a guy, don’t rub it in our faces. Guys; if a girl is smarter than you don’t let that ruin a good relationship. Well, I’ve gotten off on a bit of a tangent here. Let’s get back to the subject at hand.

Lies; they’re not good in any context, so why do we all tell them? Wouldn’t dating be much easier if we all just told the truth about what we look for? Girls; if you’re going to say that you want a wonderful, caring guy, then actually look for one. When you’ve found one, treat them the same way you expect them to treat you. You want him to treat you like you’re the best thing to ever walk the face of the earth? Then you should treat him likewise. Relationships are a two way street, you can’t treat a guy like dirt and still expect him to be nice to you. Guys; try focusing on traits in a girl other than sexiness. Yes, I know that physical attractiveness is essential in a relationship, but that shouldn’t be the only thing you look for. It’s nice in a relationship to have a girl that you can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and for that, you’re going to need to find someone who actually has more in their head than bits of fluff and the occasional tumbleweed. It can be intimidating when a girl is smarter than you, but try to look past that.

All in all, I think the world needs to be a little bit more honest, at least as far as dating is concerned. What does everyone else think? We had some good discussions in the last post, let’s try for that again.

Striving For Perfection

Alright, I know I’ve talked about soul mates a lot on here, so I’m going to try to steer clear of that subject today. Instead, I’m going to talk about something that is similar and not so similar at the same time. I’m going to talk about The Perfect Guy/Girl. We all have an idea in our mind about what the perfect person would be for us. And if you say you don’t, you’re probably lying. Everybody hopes that they’ll find someone that surpasses all of our hopes and dreams of who we want to date and marry. Some people have an idea in their mind of their perfect person that is so detailed that they could go on for hours talking about each and every aspect of that person. Some of us are a little less picky, but we still would like to find that perfect somebody. I know that I have an idea in my mind of what my perfect girl would look and act like, but I’m not going to go into any details about her.

The problem is, are some of us so focused on finding that perfect person that we neglect to see the people around us who would still make us happier than we’ve ever been, even if they aren’t what we envisioned? I tend to notice girls doing this more than guys. And there are reasons for that. Girls have been spoiled by fictional characters such as Edward Cullen. Ask any girl who they’d marry if they could marry anybody and almost 95% of them will respond with: Edward followed by a heavy sigh and a dreamy look on their face. So many girls are hoping to find their personal Edward that they will skip over great guys in their quest to find him. And it’s not just fictional characters, and it’s not just girls that do this. Guys become so enthralled by actresses like Megan Fox that they can’t possibly imagine a girl as wonderful as her, and because of that, they will not see the amazing girls that are standing right in front of them.

I guess what I’m getting at is this: Do too many of us have our sights set to high when it comes to who we will date? Are we so infatuated with the thought of a perfect person who likely doesn’t exist that we will ignore other people in the hopes that, one day, that thought will become reality? I truly hope not. As much as I’d like to meet and marry the person I have perfected in my mind, I know that it’s highly unlikely that I ever will.

What does everyone else think? Do you have an idea of the perfect person for you? What are some of their qualities? Share them with us. Let’s try to get a discussion going.

What if...

Have you ever thought about how your life would be different if you didn't grow up in the religion you did? I never really have, but a good friend of mine asked me that exact question a while back and it got me thinking. What would my life be like if I wasn't LDS? Would I still have the same morals and values I have now? Would I smoke or drink? Would I be covered in tattoos and piercings? What religion would I be? What type of people would I date?

I honestly don't know. I'm pretty sure I can answer a few of these questions, such as the smoking one. Smoking is stupid no matter what religion you are. And I'm pretty sure I would not be covered in tattoos and piercings. (That's not to say that I wouldn't have one or two of each.) But as for dating? I'm really not sure. As it is, I don't just date LDS girls. In fact, my high school girlfriend was Catholic. I think that, even if I didn't grow up LDS, I would still try to date upstanding girls rather than trashy, skanky ones. There's just something really attractive about a girl who cares about who she is and what she stands for, LDS or not.

But, I do think it would be a little bit more... freeing to not have to limit myself to marrying only LDS girls. I can think of several non-LDS girls I've met that I would gladly date, but I don't simply because of the fact that we would not be able to get married in The Temple. And I'm not trying to say that I want to marry outside of the church, nor that I plan to. But, there are a lot more options for marriage when you broaden your dating horizons.

What do you all think? What would your life be like if you weren't LDS? (Or if you weren't the religion you are?) What would you do differently with your life?

I Want To Be Loved...

Love is probably one of the most mystifying forces in the Universe. It can be given freely, but not taken forcefully. When you do give it away, you are not always guaranteed anything in return. When it is given away and returned, it continues to grow and grow in strength. It can be given to anybody you feel is deserving of it, but it cannot be easily taken back. It will cause people to do things they never thought possible and say things that they never knew they had the words to express. It is completely intangible, but is felt all the time by those who have received it.

What is it about love that is so intoxicating to the human race? What is it that will cause us to go to any length to find and be with the person we love? Why do we continue to throw ourselves back in front of the oncoming train that is the dating scene in the hopes that we will find someone who has the same feelings of passion that we have for them?

The path to true, irrefutable love is a steep, rocky climb that cannot be circumvented or bypassed no matter how much we would like to. Despite how easy it looks, you cannot reach the pinnacle of the mountain that is love without supreme determination and a few cuts and bruises.

There is no greater high in the world than the feeling you get when the person you would die for tells you that they feel the same way about you. The word “love” is thrown around very carelessly these days, but the actual feeling of love is much, much harder to give someone. When two people are in love, it is like they are constantly putting themselves out on a precarious ledge knowing that, should they fall, the other person will always be there to catch them, comfort and hold them, and place their feet back on solid, secure ground.

Love will not tolerate doubt; the two concepts are polar opposites of each other and cannot be together. One will always destroy the other.

Sorry, I’m feeling rather poetic today for some reason. Let’s see, how can I wrap this up? How about this: To all my readers, share your thoughts on love with me, be they positive or negative. It doesn’t even have to be feelings about relationships, just love in general.

It's A Cruel, Cruel World...

Quick note: I don’t want anyone to think that I’m trying to be vindictive towards anyone in particular. This post is just random thoughts I’ve had recently that I thought I’d throw out there for you.I’d like to tell you all a story about a friend of mine who goes to the same singles ward as I do. I’m not going to say his name; we’ll just refer to him as Jack.

A little less than a year ago, Jack met a girl who he got along well with, and who got along well with him. The two of them started going out together and liked each other more and more. A few months passed and Jack decided to ask this girl to marry him, to which she said yes. Everyone who knew these two thought that this was a rather smart decision because Jack and his girl fit each other’s personalities so well. Jack was happy, very happy. Unfortunately, a few weeks after the two became engaged, the girl told Jack that they couldn’t get married anymore and broke off the engagement as well as the whole relationship. Jack was very, very sad.

Jack is a good friend of mine so, naturally, I did my best to comfort him. I told him all the useless platitudes: “There is still a girl out there waiting for you” and the like. I knew they didn’t really help, but there’s not much else you can say in a situation like this. Telling a friend that there is still someone out there for them right after they get dumped by the person they thought was that someone isn’t really helpful to anyone. But, that’s not what I wanted to talk about today.

I want to open the floor to discussion. What do you do when you lose that person who made you feel happier than you’ve ever dreamed you could feel? How do you handle it? I could share numerous occasions where I’ve had to deal with losing someone I cared about (some recent, some not so recent), but I won’t bore you with that. (Maybe I will later.) Here’s a question for you: What do you do when you meet someone who you hit it off with almost immediately, go on a few dates with, and then find out that they have a boyfriend that they’re pretty serious with? By the by, what’s the point of going on dates with people when you are already seeing someone? Are you just trying to break people’s hearts by leading them on then telling them that nothing will happen between the two of you? It’s either that, or you really aren’t that serious with anyone. Pick one.

Here’s another story I’d like to share with you about a friend I used to work with. He and I were pretty close when we were working because neither of us has served a mission and have had to deal with the consequences of our decision (see some of my previous posts if you want to know what some of those consequences are). Again, I won’t say his name. We’ll call him Jeff. Anyway, I got an email from Jeff a couple of weeks ago in which he let me know about some of the problems he’s having right now. Apparently, he has the same issues with return missionaries that I do. Jeff has been “going steady” with a girl for about 8 months now and finally decided to pop the question to her. Her answer: “No, because I’m waiting for my missionary to come home.” Jeff was heartbroken, as anyone would be. Not only was his proposal rejected, but it turns out that Jeff had been lied to for 8 months by a girl he thought he would marry. It’s pretty hard to take in, I’m sure. I wasn’t sure what to tell Jeff. So I just told him that he’d be better off without her because, let’s be honest, if a girl doesn’t have the decency to tell you that she’s waiting for a missionary until you’ve dated for 8 months, she’s really not somebody you’d want to spend your life with. He knew that I was right, but that didn’t really help how he was feeling. It really wouldn’t be easy for anyone to deal with; being led around by the nose for that long only to be pulled off a cliff and down into the turbulent sea of despair and deceit.

So, how do we deal with something like that? (I’m using ‘we’ as inclusive for anyone who’s been in a similar situation, gals included.) What are we supposed to take away from the relationship once it’s over? Something like this will leave us with a lot of unanswered questions, and nobody likes those. Let me know how you'd handle a situation like these.

Well, That's Where It All Falls Down, Isn't It?

*WARNING* I’m going to say some things in today’s post that I know a lot of people are going to disagree with and are going to be angry about. Don’t stone me if you don’t agree, because you were warned.

I happened to stumble across Don Osmond’s blog on mormontimes.com and decided to read it. He, like me, tends to talk about dating in the LDS church a lot. In the post I was reading, he was talking about how he feels about dating people of other faiths and whether it’s right to do something like that. He refers to the process known as “flirt to convert” which is where a young man or woman will be interested in someone of another faith and will try to convert them so that they can marry in the temple. It’s a process that happens more often than most people think.

I honestly don’t think that it’s a good idea. If a man or woman only becomes LDS so they can marry you, there’s something missing there. They should want to convert to being LDS because they believe the religion is right, not just so they can get married. But, what do you do if the guy/gal you’re interested in is not of your faith and has made it clear that they don’t plan to be? Should you just put them out of your mind and focus your attention on someone else who believes the same things you do? (This is where I’m going to start saying things that will make you angry.)

Church leaders will say yes to my question. You shouldn’t try to date someone of another faith if they’ve made it clear that they’re not going to convert to being LDS. You’re supposed to get married and sealed in the temple and spend the rest of your life going to church each week with that special LDS guy/gal. But, I disagree. If you find yourself liking (or loving) someone who isn’t LDS and you really, truly feel that you could spend the rest of your life with that person, then do it. If you love someone, and I mean REALLY love someone, you can’t very well just stop loving them because they aren’t of your faith. It’s impossible to completely stop loving someone once you have feelings of real, deep love for them, and if you say you’ve done it, you’re lying. Deep down inside you, there are still feelings for that person and they will nag at you for the rest of your life.

So, how do you work out the marriage situation with someone who doesn’t believe what you believe? Where will you get married? How will you raise your children? There are lots of people who marry people of other religions and things work out. Either one person will convert to the other’s religion, or one will not be that strong in their religion and won’t care that their children go to a different church. Those are just a couple of examples, but you get what I’m saying. The point is; if you really love someone and they really love you back, there shouldn’t be anything on this earth that should deter you from being with each other.

There’s a quote that I feel should be in this post. It’s from the movie “The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (the 2005 version). It’s said by Slartibartfast. He’s talking to Arthur Dent when he says: “I’d much rather be happy than right any day.” It’s a great little quote that can be applied to almost anything. When it comes to marriage, I’d much rather be happy with who I chose to marry. I think most people would. And if you marry someone you really, really love, your chances of being happy are much, much greater.

Again, if you don’t like what I’ve said, let me know in the comments. You probably won’t change my mind, but let me know all the same. Also, let me know if you do agree with me.

Sing, Sing, Sing. I Like To Sing.

I hate it when inanimate objects try to tell me something. It’s pretty frustrating, but can be funny at the same time. Today’s is more on the funny side, with just a touch of coincidence thrown in to make me scratch my head in thought.

At my job I’m allowed to listen to my iPod, which I do every day because it makes the 8 hours I’m here bearable. I usually just set it to shuffle and listen to whatever comes up. Today is no exception. As I’m doing my daily paperwork I’ve got my earbuds in and I’m listening to some great music. Then, something strange happened. The song “Best of My Love” by the Eagles came up. I didn’t really feel like listening to a love song, so I skipped to the next track which happened to be “When You Love Someone” by Bryan Adams. Again, I skipped ahead to the next track. What should come up but, you guessed it, another love song. This time it was “I Love Her” by the Beatles. I was starting to get frustrated at this point and skipped ahead through 5 more songs, all of which were love songs which included “Love Me Do” also by the Beatles, “My Love” by Wings, “Why Can’t This Be Love” by Van Halen “Make You Feel My Love” by Garth Brooks, and finally “I Want To Be Loved” by Prozzak. The song that came up after those was “I Don’t Wanna Be in Love” by Good Charlotte. I stayed on that song, feeling that it summed up my feelings at the moment. After that song was done “Everything I Do, I Do For You” by Bryan Adams, came up, frustrating me even more.

It seems like my iPod is trying to tell me something, but what that is, I’m not sure. Could it be that I’m in love with someone and don’t know it? Or could it be that someone is in love with me and hasn’t told me? Or, is the point it’s trying to get across the fact that I don’t want to be in love? I have no idea. I just thought it was kind of funny. And strange.

Here's Lookin' At You, Kid.

Are looks (good or bad) important in a relationship? Girls: Will you not go out with a guy if he doesn’t dress in the latest fashions? Guys: Will you not date a girl who dresses in unflattering clothing? I know that today’s society has forced a lot of people to only focus on how a person looks instead of how they act, but does everybody do that?

Guys: When you go to pick up a girl for a date and she comes dressed in, say, a hoodie and baggy jeans instead of something a little more flattering, does that change how you’re going to treat her on the date? Or, since this is an LDS dating blog, what if she shows up wearing clothes that are not quite as modest as you would have hoped? Will you think less of her? I would hope the answer would be no, but I know that it’s not going to be, at least, not unanimously. Girls: If a guy comes to pick you up for a date and he is wearing something that you don’t find fashionable, will that change your thoughts of him? What do you generally find acceptable in the way of men’s fashion? Must we wear only button down shirts and slacks when we are with you? Or can we dress in a way that is more comfortable for us?

This doesn’t have to apply to just what we wear. What about actual physical features? Are there lines you will draw as to who you will date that are defined by physical appearance? What parameters do you have in place to limit the amount of “uglies” you date? I know that physical attraction is an important factor in starting a relationship. You have to be attracted to somebody before you start asking them out. But, what features do people find unattractive in another person? I know it’s going to be different for each of us, but I’d still like to know. Or, we could look at this from the other side and ask what features will first attract you to the opposite sex? Is it her hair? Is it his eyes? Is it the way they smile? Please note that I’m asking both guys and girls here.

I’m going to get more into the non-physical features that attract us to each other in my next post, but for now I’d like to get some feedback from all of you about what you like the people you date to look like. Leave some comments and discuss.

Follow Me, Follow You

Yes, I know I already did a post today, but I ran across this and wanted to get everyone’s opinion on the matter.

http://laurabelle89.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-boy-boycott.html is one of the blogs that I follow; it belongs to a good friend of mine, Laura. In this particular post, Laura talks about the “Boy Boycott” that she is currently on. She’s had it with guys and is giving up dating for a while. To quote her: “Guys are dumb… or at least the majority of them are.” She explains the reason for the boycott thus: “I’m not certain I want to deal with all that goes along with dating.” She also goes on to talk about the stresses that this is causing. Guys just don’t seem to get the point that she doesn’t want to go out with them and continue to ask her out over and over. What does everybody think about that? It reminds me of a post I did a while ago about persistence being a virtue or not. If a girl tells you “No, I don’t want to go out with you” that should be it, right? You’ve gotten your answer. But, again, there’s the other side to look at. Can persistence be a good thing in the long run? You know, having that “never say never” attitude has helped people through history, but does it apply here? If a girl has made it clear that she absolutely doesn’t want to date you, or anybody else, should you keep trying?

According to the guys Laura mentions in her blog, a boycott is a dumb idea, but in my opinion, it’s a great idea. Sometimes a break from dating can be a good thing, it gives you a chance to spend some time on yourself and to reorganize your thoughts. So kudos to you, Laura, you stick to what you feel you should be doing and don’t let anyone make you feel different.

(Yes, I know this is kind of just a repeat of a previous post, but this time I have an actual example to use, so I’m using it.)

In Retrospect...

I’ve been reading through some of my older posts and I’ve noticed something similar with all of them. They all seem to deal with the woes of dating and never the good things about it. So, I planned to type up a post today that talked specifically about the good things related to dating. I got about 3 sentences in and quit. I just couldn’t do it without sounding insincere. Besides, isn’t there an old saying that goes something like: “Write about what you know.”? And I’ve had way more experience with the bad side of dating, so that’s what I write about. I’m not trying to say that there aren’t good things about dating, because there are. I just can’t think of any that are post worthy.

This brings an interesting thought to my mind. Why are there so many more bad things about dating than there are good things? Is it because we only seem to notice the bad things and ignore the good? I think it might have to do with us as a society and our liking of bad news. Which is why when you turn on the evening news, there’s mostly stories of murder, sexual deviance and natural disasters. Then, to cap all of that off, they will do one story about something cute or funny or happy that has happened. I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the line people stopped focusing on good things.

But, you’d think with something as fun as dating, people would try to remember the good times they’ve had. But such doesn’t seem to be the case. Instead of reminiscing about that date we went on that was so wonderful and where everything worked out perfectly, we’ll instead think back to that time we took a girl out and everything went wrong and the girl asked to be taken home early. Why do we do it? Do we, deep down, enjoy being miserable? And this doesn’t just apply to dating; it applies to breaking up as well. Think about it, when a girl (or guy) breaks up with you, how often do you think back and say: “Wow, we really had some good times together”? You don’t, do you? Instead you’ll try to remember all the fights you got in with that person, or all the things about them that you didn’t like. With break ups there’s a reason we do this. It’s so we can protect our hearts from hurt. If we spent our time thinking of the good times we had with our ex, we’d just miss them more and we’d become more and more morose. But, even when we’ve only been on one date with a person, we’ll tell stories about the awkward or strange moments to people instead of how, when the two of you finally locked eyes, you really felt something for them. That story will go untold, whereas the story about how you kept giving her flat tires or stepping on her toes will be told and retold numerous times.

So, why do we do it? Are we all truly masochists? That might be it, but I think there might be a more pleasant explanation for it. When we experience an “awkward” moment on a date, it’s usually a result of one of the two people acting like themselves. Think about it. How many dates have you been on where you truly acted like yourself? It’s probably not that many. When we’re on a date with someone, we put on a different persona so that we’re more pleasing to the other person. Awkward moments usually happen when that different persona slips and our “normal” self comes out. And the reason we remember those awkward moments? My guess would be that it’s because of how the other person reacts to “yourself”. If they react in a good way, we’ll remember it because we like the fact that they are okay with how you normally are. If they react in a bad way, we’ll remember it for the opposite reason.

As usual, this is just my speculation on the subject. I’d love to hear what my faithful readers have to say. Leave a comment and let me hear your thoughts.

Why Return Missionaries Have Ruined the Dating Scene in Utah

That’s right; I’m attacking return missionaries in this post. Why, you ask? Because it’s about flogging time that somebody did. I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t like return missionaries, because that’s not true. Most of my best friends are return missionaries, my older brother is one, and my younger brother is going to be in just 5 short months. I think return missionaries are great, but they have made life hard for those of us that didn’t serve missions. I know you probably think I’m being spiteful, and I am, sort of, but with good reason, so hear me out.

Let’s take the average missionary returning home after their 2 years of service. Hopefully, you’ve performed admirably on your mission and will be released with honor. Now you start into your “normal” life, but it’s not going to be normal really, not if you live in Utah. You’ve just become a celebrity. People are going to see you and raise you up on a pedestal high above anyone or anything else. But, it’s not your fault. I’d like to emphasize that here. Return missionaries don’t ask for the praise and adoration they receive, but they’re going to get it whether they want it or not; which is why it’s not their fault that they’ve ruined the dating scene here in Utah.

Anyway, I need to tie this into dating. When I talk about RMs getting praise and adoration from everyone they come across, I mean EVERYONE. Especially young women. Young women of the LDS church have been taught from an early age that they are supposed to marry a young return missionary as soon as they possibly can. It’s been drummed into their heads so much that they don’t even realize how biased and uppity they have become where dating is concerned. If you read my blog regularly, you’ll remember the story I told about two people meeting in a grocery store, dating for a while, and then finding out they are from two different religions. The same thing happens within the LDS religion. A girl and a guy could meet randomly in, oh, let’s say they meet at a movie theater. They talk for a while, find out that both are LDS and become totally infatuated with each other. (We’re going to pretend that the topic of a mission didn’t come up at all. Yes, I know that’s really pushing it.) The two exchange phone numbers and begin courtship. They go on a couple of dates which only increase the feelings of like they have for each other. They talk together on the phone when they’re not together and find out that they have tons of stuff in common with each other. (Yes, we’re still pretending that they haven’t mentioned missions yet. Impossibility, I know, but this is my story.) One night the two decide to watch a movie. The girl chooses “The RM” and pops it in. About 30 seconds into the opening credits, the girl turns to the guy and asks in as innocent a voice as she can: “Speaking of missions, where did you serve on yours?” The guy looks uncomfortable as he replies with: “Oh, I… I didn’t go on a mission.” The girl immediately pulls away from under his arm and stares accusingly at him. At that point, the relationship is over. She just can’t be with a man who didn’t dedicate 2 years of his life to serving. It doesn’t matter how valid of a reason the guy gives her, she can’t be with him. The guy will leave her house that night single once again and will likely never see the girl again, no matter how much he wants to.

Before everyone asks, no, this didn’t happen to me. I doubt it has ever happened exactly like that to any guy, and there’s a good reason why. LDS girls living in Utah will never let a relationship get past the first date without finding out where a guy served his mission. Some won’t even let the relationship get past “Hi, my name is so-and-so” before they ask him about his mission. I’d also like to take a moment to point out that it’s not always the girl’s choice to think and feel the way they do about RMs. I’ve already said that they’ve had it pounded into their heads since they were old enough to stand. No, most girls aren’t that judgmental on their own. They have their parents to thank for making them so shallow.

In my experience, it doesn’t matter how great a guy is, the girl will still reject him if he didn’t serve a mission. A guy could be a Nobel Prize winner and, unless he served, he still wouldn’t have a chance with a Utah LDS girl. And, according to friends who live elsewhere, it really is just the LDS girls in Utah who feel this way.

Anyway, I’d better wrap this up before it gets any longer. I’ll just end by saying this: Girls; learn to step outside the confines that have been placed in your mind by family and church leaders and try to see a guy for who he really is, mission or no. You never know when you’re going to pass up a great guy who could have made you happier than you ever have or will have been just because you can’t see past the menial fact that he didn’t serve a mission. Also, if you find out that a guy you like didn’t serve a mission, don’t judge by that. Ask questions as to why he didn’t. You may find out that a mission wouldn’t have worked for him.

And that’s where I’ll end today. Sorry this post is so long, but it’s a subject I feel strongly about. Let me know how you feel about it in the comments.

A Rant Without A Moral

Hey! It’s me! I’m still alive; I’ve just been on vacation, which is why there haven’t been any posts in over a week. But, I’ve got a great rant for you today. (At least, I think it’s good.) Here it goes:

There are two things about myself that I know for certain. First, I like to listen to my music really, really loud. It’s great when I’ve got my stereo blasting in my car or my room. I like not being able to hear anything but the guitar riffs or bass lines pounding in my ears. Second, I’ve never met anyone who has worse luck with girls than me. I’ve struck out more times than I can count. Heck, I’ve even struck out before I even got up to bat, if you can believe it, and that’s really hard to do. You’re probably saying something along the lines of: “Hey, Bryson, you should be positive about things like this.” And you’re right, I should be. And, deep down, there’s a part of me that is. Otherwise I wouldn’t keep throwing myself out in front of the oncoming train that is known as dating. I’m really of two minds when it comes to dating. Part of me absolutely hates everything about it. I hate repeatedly putting myself out on a pedestal for girls to see as if I were some sort of oddity up for auction that will get bid on by one girl who will win, then get tired of me after a couple of months of looking at me on her mantle and who will then throw me out on the curb with the rest of her trash. Then, there’s the part of me that loves dating. I love going on a first date with a girl and getting to spend time alone with her, learning things about her that I would never have known if I hadn’t had the nerve to approach her in the supermarket that day I was out of milk and ask her out. (No, that never actually happened. *)

Any time I decide that I’m going to ask a girl out, there’s a fight inside me between these two sides of my mind. The side that likes dating will argue that I’ll have a good time on the date and that things might work out with the girl while the side that detests dating will point out that the last time “things worked out with the girl” they really didn’t and I became depressed for 2 months. (That didn’t happen either. **) Usually though, the side that likes dating will win the fight and I’ll ask the girl out. Now, whether that part of me was right or not is another thing; which brings me back to the start of my rant. I’ve never met anyone who has worse luck than me with girls. It’s not that I can’t get a date; it’s that, usually, when I do, the girl lets me know that it will be the only one we ever go on. The reasons that girls will come up with as to why they will never go on a date with me again are either really ridiculous or funny, or they’re really hurtful. Hurtful happens more often than ridiculous or funny, which might explain why I end up in a foul mood after a date so many times. (That’s an exaggeration. ***)

Hmmm… I usually have some way to wrap this all up, but today I don’t. This really was just a rant. Well, thanks for listening to me. It felt good to get that off my chest.

(* I was actually out of eggs.)

(** It was probably longer than that.)

(*** No, it’s not.)

House Cleaning

Have you ever seen the movie “Hitch”? If you haven’t, I highly recommend going out and renting it. It’s one of my favorite romantic comedies, and also the source of the subject I’d like to talk about today. In the movie the main character (played by Will Smith) is a dating consultant. He helps guys win over the hearts of the girls they are in love with. There is one line that Will says that really stands out to me. When he introduces himself to his clients he always starts by saying: “Basic principles – No matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.” This is the line I’d like to talk about today.

Is it true? Does any guy in the world have a chance to be with any girl in the world? I’m sure that if the guy really, really tries to get the girl, he could be with any girl he chooses. But, can he do it without lying? Despite how much I like the movie, it seems that Will’s character helps his clients win over women by coaching them on how to lie properly. I’m not talking about big lies, but rather the little things. He has them dress and act differently than is normal for them, he teaches them to say things they would never normally say, and has them do things that are not normal. Basically, he teaches them to be someone that they are not, which is where I begin to have a problem with the concept. When a girl falls for you because you are acting like something that you’re not, there’s going to be problems with the relationship later on. She’s eventually going to find out what you’re really like and then one of two things will happen. Either she will still love you and will continue to love you for whom you really are, or she will be infuriated that you lied to her and will leave you. It’s my opinion that the latter will happen more often than not. Nobody likes to be lied to, especially girls. It makes them feel betrayed.

So, how can any guy win over any girl without lying? Is it even possible? I know that there are lots of us in the world that would like to believe that it is, but there must be certain points where it’s just not. How do we know when we’ve reached that point, though? Is there going to be something that the girl says or does that will clue us in to whether we’ve missed the chance to sweep them off their feet? What if, when we attempt to sweep, it turns out that we’ve used the wrong broom? Do we then need to break out a vacuum instead? When I really look at the quote in question, I notice that there are certain… restrictions implicit in it. Notice that it says “…has a chance” not “…has several chances”. That implies that we have one, and only one, chance to sweep the girl up. So, what do we do if we blow that chance? Would you even know if you already have? You may think that you’re just barely attempting to sweep up a certain girl, but she may have already decided that you’ve failed because of something that you did (or didn’t do) in the past. Time travel hasn’t been invented yet, so there’s no real way to go back and change whatever it is that has colored her opinion of you. But, are there ways to change the color of that opinion to a more pleasing hue? If there is, it’s probably an uphill battle and will take some time and patience, but if you really like the girl, it’ll probably be worth it.

This, I guess, is what it all really boils down to. If you really like a girl, you should be willing to do whatever it takes to win her heart, as long as you remain truthful with her. And girls, you should be willing to like a guy for who he is. Don’t force us to pretend to be something we’re not just to get your attention. That’s not fair to us. What does everyone else think about this? Comments, please.

Where Has The Love Gone?

Someone told me that I should rephrase my question that I asked in the last post. So, here I go. I shouldn’t be asking why it’s so hard to fall in love. For some people, that’s apparently easy. What I should be asking is: Why is it so hard to stay in love?

When you first fall in love with somebody the feelings are all new and fresh. Everything that person does is wonderful to you and every second you’re with them, it’s like magic. You want to call them up all the time just so you can talk to them and hear what they have to say. When you’re apart from that person, it’s like there’s a constant rain cloud hanging over you that will only go away when you see that person again. When you’re with that person, you always want to be in contact with them, whether it’s by holding hands, or by putting your arm around their shoulder or just holding them while they doze in your lap. You think that you could never be happier than in those moments when you see that other person smile. But, each time you see them, you feel happier than the last time. You’re willing to go to any lengths just to be near that person. Have I made my point?

So, what happens in a relationship that diminishes those feelings? If you feel so incredibly in love with another person, how is it that you can suddenly not care for them anymore? It’s a question that I’d really like answered, because it’s kept me up at night more often than I’d care to admit. How can you go from loving everything about a person to not wanting to be near them? When you’re in love, you tell everything to the other person. The thought of ever lying to them never even crosses your mind. Yet, when those feelings are gone, you find yourself telling those untruths more and more often. The more you do, the further apart you grow from that person.

How does it happen? Is it just a gradual diminishing of love, or does it just go away all at once? Honestly, I have no idea, so I’m really going to need some input here. Leave a comment with your thoughts.

Why Can't This Be Love?

Once again, I feel like ranting today. But, it’s not going to be as accusatory as the last few times. Well, at least not accusing to just one person or gender. This is directed at the world as a whole.

I’m just going to ask this question as bluntly as I can. Why is falling in love so freaking hard?! I’m not talking about the feelings of infatuation that you get when you see a cute girl. (Or guy for my female readers.) Falling in like is easy. I’m talking about actual, honest to goodness love. I’m talking about the deep kind of love that you only feel for someone when you truly know them and know that you love them. Why is it so hard to reach that point? I can think of only one relationship that I’ve been in where I’ve actually felt those extreme feelings of love for the person. Sadly, the person didn’t feel the same way about me, which is my point today. How can two people be together and only one of the people really love the other? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why is it so hard to find someone who you truly love and who truly loves you back? In my experience it’s either one person or the other who feels that way, not both of them.

I’ve said before that I attend a singles ward. At church on Sunday, there are always people there with their “sweetheart”. I look at these couples and I have to wonder if either of the two really feels deep feelings of love for the other. If they do, I wonder what it is about the other person that makes them feel that way. How do we know when we really, truly love another person? Is there a certain, exact moment in time where you know? Or is it just a gradual feeling you get over time? Either way, when you come to the realization that you have these feelings, what do you do? How do you let the other person know that you really love them besides just saying “I love you”? I’m not that saying “I love you” isn’t a good way to express those feelings, but there must be some better way to get across to the other person that you don’t just love them, but that you love them to the point that it hurts to be apart from them. Do you just sit down with the person and tell them your feelings? If so, how do you put in words what you’re feeling? What can we say to this person so that they know, really know, that you love everything about them and that every time you see them, those feelings intensify? (Note: I’m still talking about love here, not obsession. There is a major difference between these two feelings. With love, you want to be with that person and want them to feel the same on their own. Obsession is more of a controlling feeling. You want to make that person love you and are willing to go to any length to force them to.) Also, on that same track, what do you do when you tell the person how you feel and they let you know that they just don’t feel that strongly about you? Do you just break things off then and there? Or do you wait to see if the person will start to feel the same way as you? I think that if the feelings you have for them are as real as you say they are, the answer should be obvious, but maybe I’m wrong.

All in all it just seems totally overcomplicated. I don’t know if I’m just exaggerating the whole thing, or if other people feel the same way about it. So, leave a comment and share your thoughts on falling in love.

Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say

So, over the past few days I had a sudden realization. It has to do with girls and the things they say without realizing the implications in what they’re saying.

First off, let me just ask this: Why can’t girls ever just say what is on their mind? They always seem to feel the need to speak cryptically so that nobody really understands the point they’re trying to get across. It kind of ties back to what I said a while ago about dating in high school: Simply asking someone out is never enough. It always has to be some big ordeal. Girls continue that after high school only, instead of just applying it to dating, they apply it to everything they do and say. A girl can never just tell you “No, I’m not interested in you that way.” They will try to give you subtle hints (spoken or unspoken) that we guys are supposed to pick up on and piece together, which can take weeks. (Months, perhaps?) It would make life so much easier, albeit more painful sometimes, if a girl could just speak her mind. Yes, hearing the truth put so bluntly might be hard to take, but it will be easier to get over the girl that way. When you lead us around by the nose forever trying to tell us you don’t like us without actually telling us, it makes it so much harder to get over you. I’ve seen it dozens of times in my friends and in personal experience.

Anyway, that’s not what I really wanted to talk to you about today. Well, it sort of is, but not really. I was letting my mind wander a few nights ago and came up with one phrase that many girls say that really cheeses me off. That phrase is: “You’re such a great guy, Bob*. One day you’re going to make some girl really happy.” There are several variations on this phrase. They might say: “You’re such a great guy, Bob*. Girls just need to realize that.” Now, this may seem like a harmless platitude, but there’s a world of meaning behind it. When a girl says “One day you’re going to make some girl really happy” what they’re really saying is “I don’t like you, but maybe you’ll find someone eventually… someone other than me… maybe.” When they say “girls just need to realize that” they’re really saying “You’re a great friend to me, but I don’t think I could ever see myself dating you. Try someone else”. Do you see what I mean about the deeper meaning behind what they’re saying? These phrases are harsh and cut through a guy like a chainsaw through butter, although the girl will not usually realize it.

So, what does everyone else think? Am I wrong, or am I spot on?

*Note: The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This Is Cursed! That Is Cursed!

Today I’d like to kind of go off on a different tangent. It will still apply to dating, but more to me personally. It’s not going to be a rant, but it is something I have issues with. And it’s probably something that I can’t actually do anything about.

For quite some time now, I’ve wondered why I have such terrible luck with girls. I just can’t seem to make a relationship work out to its fullest extent. This is not to say that I immediately fail at all my relationships, quite the contrary. I’ve had a couple of relationships that lasted for well over a year. But, they always seem to just end, and I have no idea why. And it’s not just long term relationships that I have troubles with. It’s all of them. I can’t seem to succeed when it comes to the wide world of dating. I could be on a first date with a girl, and she’ll be telling me how we would never work out. As she’s telling me this, all I can think of is: “How do you know that? We’ve only just met ten minutes ago! How can you be so sure that we’ll not work?” And it hasn’t happened just once. It’s happened many, many times. For the longest time I figured that there must be something about my appearance or demeanor that girls can see that tells them that the two of us wouldn’t work out. Maybe I have a big label on my forehead that says “Scalawag” or “No-good-nik” that is stamped in ink that only a female eye can see. (I can’t believe I just used the words scalawag and no-good-nik.) It really does baffle me that so many gals can all agree that I’m not dateable. But, it all makes sense now, thanks to my friend linking this with a story of mine from a past job.

Several years ago I worked at Target. I was hired right around the beginning of October to work in the electronics department, which meant that I was also expected to work in the seasonal area. During my first week of work, while I was still being trained, an older Romanian couple approached me (yes, I know they were Romanian because of the accent they had) and asked me if we had any more of a certain item in stock. The item was one of those fiber optic figurines that have little pinpoints of light that change color. This one was of a pumpkin with a scarecrow hat. I checked the inventory in the stockroom, but couldn’t find any more of the pumpkin. The wife asked if we had any at our other stores. I checked and, no, we didn’t have any of them anywhere. When I told her this, the old woman became angry. She raised her hand, pointed a crooked finger at me, and began speaking harshly in Romanian. When she finished, she brought her hand down quickly and spat to her side. Then she and her husband left.

That’s right; this little old lady put a curse on me over a light up figurine. Ever since then, I’ve been worried that I’m going to mysteriously drop dead for no reason. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I was enlightened by my friend. There were several of us sitting around sharing stories about work and such. I told the story I’ve just told you. One of my friends pointed out that the old woman’s curse must be what’s causing my terrible luck with women. And it makes sense. I can just imagine it. A girl and I have been dating for a while and are getting serious. Then, the girl has a dream one night in which the old woman warns them that if they continue to date me, they will be cursed forever! So, the girl breaks up with me.

It may not be true, but it does help explain my horrendous luck. What do you all think?

Two Rants In A Row?

Well, I had so much fun ranting last time that I think I’m going to do it again today. So, get ready for some more of my accusations and such.

First off, I’ve got a question that could be aimed at both gals and guys. Why do we always seem to want to date the single person that is going to forever be un-date-able for us? Either they obviously do not like us, or the two of us would never work out. This kind of goes back to one of my older posts about music. If I like to listen to heavy metal and the girl I want to take out hates it, then, obviously, there are going to be all kinds of problems with us later on. So, why do we do it? Why set our sights on someone that is so far out of our reach that we’ll never catch them? I really don’t understand it. And I’m not trying to imply that I never do this. I do it all the time, but why? Is it just our need to attain the unattainable that drives us to do it? The world may never know.

Another question I have for girls is this: Are so many of you as shallow as you come across? I can’t count the number of times that a girl has told me that they could never date so-and-so because they have too long of hair, or not enough hair, or some other silly little thing like that. Are things like that really so important that you wouldn’t date someone because of it? And if so, how did you get that way? Is it because of the world around us? Is it because the media tells us to be beautiful and love those that are beautiful? I know that this doesn’t apply to all girls, but it does to quite a few of them. And, yes, I am aware that a lot of guys feel the same way about the girls they date. But, what drives us to feel that way? What about those of us who aren’t “beautiful people”? What are we supposed to do?

I’d also like to know why it is that when a guy is in a relationship, girls don’t feel the least bit awkward around them, but when they are single, it’s like we become some kind of creature that girls feel the need to avoid. I’ve noticed that this happens a lot in the LDS church. So, what is it that causes these feelings in women of the church? We guys are the same person whether we’re single or in a relationship, yet you all treat us differently depending on our relationship status. Are these feelings caused by some fear that we, heaven forbid, might ask you out now that we’re not dating someone steadily? If so, what would be the problem with us asking you out? Are you worried that because we ask you on one date that it automatically means we want to marry you? If so, that’s just silly. It is possible to go on a date with someone without having to worry about spending time and all eternity with them. Some of us just like to go on dates to have fun and get to know you.

But, that’s enough of my ranting for today. Oh, and I’m sorry about not posting for almost a week. Again, I don’t have internet at home so the only place I can really post anything is at work, and we’ve been short staffed this past week, so I haven’t had time to type anything up.

As usual, I’d like to get input on these topics, so leave some comments.

Stop! It's Ranting Time!

I think it’s high time I did some complaining. So, I’m going to take some time today to rant to all of you about some of the things that are stressing me when it comes to dating. Yes, I know that I kind of already do that, but today it’s going to be more…accusatory. So, get ready for some ranting.

First off I’d like to get a few things off my mind where girls are concerned. Girls: Why on earth do you do such a good job of making a guy think you like him and then cruelly informing him that you have no romantic interest in him? Why do you lead us all on so much? If you like us, just tell us. The same goes for if you don’t like us. Don’t spend weeks (months, even?) acting like you are interested romantically if you’re not. Guys for the most part are not too extremely bright. We won’t usually catch your subtle little hints that you’re trying to send to us. We need to be told in plain English what you think. Don’t drag us through some interminably long rigmarole only to let us know that you just don’t like us that way. Guys tend to get attached to a girl faster than the girl will to the guy, so when you lead us on, it’s that much harder for us to get over you when you leave us. Also, while I’m on the topic, why do girls get themselves into a relationship with a guy when they know deep down that they don’t like the guy enough to marry him? What’s the point of that? And don’t tell me it’s to learn from. Getting into a relationship with a guy just so you can learn from it and then dump the guy is terribly rude and cruel. If you don’t feel that you could ever like someone enough spend your life with them, don’t stay with that person for several months to see if things will change. There may be the chance that they will, but that chance is pretty slim. They say that first impressions are hard to change, so the feelings you have for a person are going to be the same no matter how long you date them.

Now, just so that it doesn’t seem like I’m only picking on the girls, I’m going to chew out my fellow guys for a second. Guys: what the heck ever happened to chivalry? It just astounds me nowadays how many guys don’t even open doors for a girl they’re with. It may just be me (but I hope it’s not) but I always open doors for a girl. Car doors, house doors, store doors, you name it, I hold it open. It’s just second nature to me. But apparently not all men feel the same way. This leads me to one more complaint for the girls: Let us guys open doors for you! If you know that a guy is going to try to hold a door open, don’t try to beat him to the door just so you can open it instead. I’ve dated two different girls who would fight me about opening the doors. Just let us do it. We’re not trying to secretly treat you like we’re better, we’re just doing it to be nice, so let us be nice. Anyway, back to the guys. I know that when a girl breaks up with you, it’s a really hard thing to handle, but cowboy up a bit. Things are always going to work out for the better and you don’t need to spend years pining for your lost love. Besides, when you’re moping about like that, you’re ruining any chance you have of meeting another girl. Girls like to see strong men and when you whine and complain about how hurt you are, it’s really a turn off. It’s fine for you to be sad about it, but you don’t need to let every single person you run into know how sad you are. I would say that this applies to girls as well, but it doesn’t. Girls are much better at hiding their emotions from the world, so nobody really knows how sad they are. They just have other ways of letting it out. Guys, on the other hand, seem to feel the need to share their grief with every person they come across that pays them any attention.

Well, that felt good. I think I might make Fridays my weekly ranting day on this blog. Sorry if anyone was offended by anything I said in this. It wasn’t aimed at any certain person(s), just guys and girls in general. But, if I have offended you, let me know in the comments. In fact, leave a comment if you agree with me.

Bundles Of Joy

I’m going to take a break from talking about dating and single life and talk about something that I find amazing. Just yesterday, I was at a hospital while my brother and his wife were having their first baby. I was out in the hallway with the rest of my family, but I got to hear the first cries of the newborn baby. Now, I know that this is not my baby, but I still found it to be an amazing experience. And baby Jaden is even more amazing. When my brother brought him out to see the rest of us, I couldn’t stop smiling. Jaden (the baby) wasn’t crying, but had a look of concentration on his face as his little eyes searched around him seeing everything for the first time. I’m now an uncle for the first time ever. I can’t wait for the moment when I have my first child. I know that raising children is a very hard, time consuming task, but I can’t think of anything that would be more fulfilling.

I read in the news that our President Obama is still trying to get people to come over to his side on the issue of abortion. I will say this now: I will never be pro-abortion. I can’t understand why anyone in their right mind would be okay with aborting a child. A life is a life no matter how old or developed it is, and ending that life is murder. Just looking at the adorable face of my newborn nephew and thinking of how it would be if he had been aborted makes me terribly sad. I know that, when politicians talk about it, the issue of abortion is referred to as “an issue of choice”, but if people really believed that it was about choice, they would never abort a baby. What about the baby’s choice? Does the baby even have a say in the matter of whether he gets to live? No. The baby has to live or die by whatever choice his mother makes. Something about that doesn’t seem fair to me. (Please note that I use the term ‘baby’ and not fetus. It’s just my choice of words.) Even if the child someone is carrying within them was brought about against their will, it’s my opinion that the baby should still be given a chance. Besides, if you became pregnant against your will and decide to abort the baby, aren’t you also taking away the free will of the baby? (Yes, I am aware that there are extenuating circumstances that would change this, but I'm not talking about rape. I'm talking about when people are having protected sex willingly and get pregnant anyway.) There are plenty of other options out there besides abortion. Adoption is the first idea that comes to my mind. There are so many couples out in the world that would love to have a child of their own but, for medical reasons, are unable to. Why not give them the option of raising your baby if you feel you are unequal to the task?

I know that there are people out there who will disagree with me. But I know there must be people out there who feel the same way as I do. What are everyone else’s thoughts on abortion? Share them with us in the comments.

Marriage & Moving

First off, let me apologize for the lack of posts in the last few days. I don’t have internet at my apartment, which makes it kind of hard to post anything on an online blog. But, this is the perfect lead in to today’s post. It doesn’t deal with dating, at least not directly.

I live alone in my own apartment. I have no roommates. I enjoy not having to worry about other people making their payments on rent and utilities and such. But, I’ve been told that living on my own is the perfect recipe for trouble.

Right now I’m not dating anyone, so there are never any girls over at my place to get in trouble with. But, what happens when (and if) I start dating someone again? Do we just avoid my apartment like the plague and just hang out at her place? (Or her parent’s place?) And what do we do if she, like me, is living in her own place with nobody else? Do we always just hang out at places that other people are at? What if we want to watch a movie one night? How do we go about doing that if neither of us can be at the other person’s place? The person who has informed me that I’m setting myself up for trouble was my bishop. So, what do I take from that? Are young single LDS adults never supposed to move out of their parent’s house until they are married? That seems counterproductive to me. I guess we could all try to not move out of our parent’s house until we are married or until we find a roommate. But what if we can’t find a roommate? I’m not the type of person who’s just going to move in with a complete stranger. I want to know the people I’m going to be living with. To me, and this is just my opinion, the church should encourage people to move out of their parent’s house. It’s part of growing up. If we were to all wait until we were married to move out of our parent’s house, there would be some of us who wouldn’t move out until well into our 30’s, or not at all.

On the topic of finding roommates, I’m told that moving into an apartment with a good friend can strain or ruin that friendship. When you’re around someone that much, you start to find more and more things about that person that bother you, and eventually those things are going to come to the surface as a fight. Now, I might be crazy for saying this, but I think I would like to keep the friendships I have. But this puts me in a quandary. If I’m not married, and I don’t want to ruin any friendships that I have, how do I move out? According to certain church authorities, I shouldn’t.

Now, remember, I already have moved out. But what about those of you who are thinking about it? Should we wait until we say “I do” to say “I’m moving”?
What does everyone else think? Am I just crazy? Let me know in the comments.

Living With Loss

One of the integral parts of dating is breaking up. However unpleasant they might be, break ups are going to happen. Most of us will experience at least one break up in our dating career. I’ve only known one person who never had to deal with the nastiness of a break up. He married his first girlfriend. But the odds of that happening for everyone are rather slim. So, how do we deal with a break up in the healthiest way possible?

The best advice I can give is to not dwell on the feelings and thoughts you’ll have after a break up. If you allow those thoughts to control your actions, things could get pretty ugly. It’s natural for anyone to feel sad and depressed after a break up, the key is to not let those depressed feelings take control of you. Try to find things to fill your time. The more time you spend doing things, the less time you’re going to have to think about the break up. Also, try to be around people that are going to make you happy. Most, if not all, of us have at least one friend that can always make us laugh. Try to spend time with that person. Going along with that thought, try to not be alone. When we’re alone, we don’t talk much (hopefully) which leaves our mind free to think about anything and everything, and believe me, after a break up, your mind is going to want to think about the ended relationship, which we don’t want. Try to be around other people as much as possible.

I’m not saying that you should bottle up the sad feelings you’re going to have completely. That’s not healthy. If you don’t let those feelings out, they’re going to build up and eventually explode out of you. I’m just saying that you should let them out in such a way that you still have control over yourself. I know that most guys will disagree with this, but sometimes you just need to have a good healthy cry. It’s therapeutic. But don’t let it get out of control.

Another thing that can help is to talk to people about your feelings. Talking will help you get your feelings out in the open, which will help us get past them. This is where being around friends and family will come in handy. Family will always try to help you through your problems, and if your friends are true friends, they will too.

So, what do all of you think? What have you done to help get yourself through a break up? Leave a comment and let me know.

Avoiding Awkwardness

With LDS dating, where do you usually meet the people you date? For most of us it’s either at school or at our ward. Dating people from your ward can be a good thing, and at the same time, it can be a bad thing. The good points would include being able to go to church meetings and ward activities with them. Plus, you’ll probably know them before you start dating them. It’s actually pretty nice.

But, as I said, there are some bad points to dating a wardie. What happens if the relationship with this person goes sour and you break up? You can always try the “let’s be friends” route, but that’s not always the healthiest for recently broken up people. When you break up with someone, it tends to make things awkward when you’re around that person. It’s generally easy to avoid those kinds of confrontations when you’re not a church or activities, but what do you do when both of you are still going to all the same meetings? How do you avoid those awkward encounters with each other? You could always try going to a different ward, but if you’re like me and you like your ward, that’s not going to really seem like an appealing option.

Then there’s the problem with all the other people in the ward asking you all those probing questions. “How are you and so-and-so?” “I haven’t seen you with each other for a while, what happened?” You’ll have to tell them that the relationship is over and no matter how you do it, people are going to do 1 of 2 things: They’ll either feel sorry for you, or feel sorry for the other person. Which one they feel sorry for will most likely depend on who did the breaking up. Either way, things are going to just be even more awkward for you at church. Every week, people will ask you “How are you holding up?” or something similar to it. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate people’s concern for me, but it’s hard to let someone who was important in your life go when people keep bringing them up around you.

Once again, I’d really like some input from any of you who read this. Leave me a comment telling me how you’ve handled ward relationships and break ups.

LDS Dating Faux-Pas

Dating non-members is a touchy subject for a lot of LDS people, single or not. I know that most, if not all, single LDS people want to get married in the temple, and we should all know that someone who is not LDS will not be able to go to the temple with you. The time may or may not come when you ask someone on a date or be asked out by someone who is not of our faith. So, what do you do with that situation?

I know from personal experience that there are plenty of people out there who are not LDS, but are still wonderful people who can be tons of fun to be with on a date. But if you can’t marry this person in the long run, does that automatically mean that you can’t go on a date with them? Or do you look past that difference and just have a good time with them?

In my last post, I talked about soul mates and how you can make them to be whoever you want. Let me put a scenario past you and you tell me what you think. You meet a girl at, oh, let’s say the store. You talk with her for a while (never mentioning religion) and you find out that the two of you have quite a bit in common, so you exchange numbers with each other. You call her a day or so later to ask her on a date, she says yes, and you get together that Saturday and have a wonderful time with each other. The two of you go on several more dates together, each time having more fun than the last. The two of you grow very close over the course of a month or so. (We’re going to pretend that you still haven’t brought up the subject of religion.) By this point, the two of you have expressed love for each other and have kissed once or twice. But then, while out on a date together, the subject of religion is broached and you find out that this wonderful girl who you’ve grown so fond of is Catholic while you are LDS. What do you do? Do you immediately break things off with her due to your differing religions? Or do you stay with her? What would your thought process be at this point? You’d probably realize that you couldn’t get married in the temple. There’s always the possibility that she’d be willing to convert to Mormonism, but for this scenario, let’s pretend she’s strong in her beliefs and wants to stay that way. If you really love each other, what would happen? Would you be so staunch in your beliefs that you’d be willing to sacrifice your love for your religion? Could there be any kind of compromise between the two of you? If you did end up getting married, how would you raise your children, Catholic or LDS? There are so many questions that would crop up, it might drive you crazy.

I’m not trying to infer that I know the answer to these questions. I really don’t, and I’d like to know all of your thoughts on this subject. Have any of you been in a relationship with someone who wasn’t LDS? Please, share your thoughts in the comments.