I Hate Waiting

Okay, I know I’ve talked a lot about missionaries on this blog, but I’m going to do it one more time, so bear with me.

Let’s start off by presenting a scenario. This is going to be like a “choose your own adventure” novel, but I’m going to be choosing all of the endings. We’ll start off by putting a guy and a girl together. They’ve just graduated from high school and have been dating since the middle of their Junior year. They’re madly in love with one another and want to get married, but first, the guy has a mission to serve. Now comes the part where I’m going to give choices. Choice number one: The guy can ask the girl to wait for him so they can get married when he gets home. Choice number two: The guy can tell the girl not to wait for him and to live her life as she normally would and if she’s still available when he gets home, they can see what happens. Choice number three: The guy can invite the girl to do the Macarena with him every Saturday until he leaves then he must go back and choose between #1 and #2.

Let’s say that the guy chooses #3 and then #1; he asks the girl to wait for two years while he serves the Lord. Basically, the guy is asking the girl to put her life on hold for two years in the hopes that they will still love each other when he gets home. Yes, it’s a noble thing to do and, yes, it’s a sure sign that you love each other if she agrees, but it’s also an incredibly selfish thing to ask another person. In my opinion it doesn’t matter how in love you are with another person, there is no guarantee that you will feel the same way about them after not seeing them for two years, and vice versa. There are going to be so many things changing in both of your lives during those two years that when you see each other again, you are going to be two completely different people. Your feelings could still be the same for each other… at first, but after being together for the first couple of weeks back, you might find that the person you waited 730 days for is not the same person you remember and that you’re no longer sure how you feel about them. When a guy asks a girl to wait, he is denying her many, many opportunities to live while he is gone. Yes, you may be in love when he left, but when you put your life on hold for that long, you pass up all those chances to meet new people, particularly of the opposite gender. I’m not talking about the casual meetings of new people, but really meeting them. Because, let’s be serious, when you’re waiting for somebody, you’re not really yourself when you meet a new person. You don’t allow yourself free with them to see if there could possibly be a connection between the two of you, do you? No, you keep your true self bottled up inside where it can’t possibly do anything to ruin what you have with your missionary. It sounds sad, and it is, but it happens so much more often than most people will admit.

Okay, so, that didn’t work, but, luckily, we kept our finger on the page where we made the choice and we go back and decide to try the other option. The guy selects choice #3 followed by #2; he tells the girl not to wait for him and to live her life. If she is still available and interested when he gets home, they can try picking things up where they left off. First off, this is going to make the girl feel much better about the whole situation. She’s going to feel less like a possession that they guy boxes away next to his guitar and his Playstation while he’s gone, which is going to make her happier. She’ll be allowed to be her normal self around the people she meets and will likely make more friends than she would if she were waiting, which is also going to make her happy. The only catch to this choice is that the guy must really be prepared for her to move on from him. If he’s not, things are going to crash and burn, much like the Hindenburg, and it’s likely to reflect in his mission, and we don’t want that.

Yes, I know that there are occasions where the guy will ask the girl to wait, and she does, and things work out just fine for both of them. He gets home; they get married, and have a wonderful rest of their life. But, I haven’t seen that happen nearly as much as I have seen the alternative. Usually, if the girl agrees to wait, she will… for a while. But, eventually, she will start to distance herself from her missionary and will start to meet new people, which will usually lead to her falling in love with someone else and sending that dreaded “Dear John…” letter to her missionary. It’s a classic story. However, I’ve seen more relationships survive the mission when the guy doesn’t ask the girl to wait. I’m not sure why, but it just seems to work out that way.

This is just the opinion of a non-missionary. Have any of you been on one end or the other of the mission relationship? Did you wait or ask someone to wait? How did it work out for you in the end? Share with us. And to everyone else; what are your thoughts on waiting for a missionary? Do you think it’s the right thing to do? Or are you opposed to it? Again, share your thoughts with us.

It's A Cruel, Cruel World...

Quick note: I don’t want anyone to think that I’m trying to be vindictive towards anyone in particular. This post is just random thoughts I’ve had recently that I thought I’d throw out there for you.I’d like to tell you all a story about a friend of mine who goes to the same singles ward as I do. I’m not going to say his name; we’ll just refer to him as Jack.

A little less than a year ago, Jack met a girl who he got along well with, and who got along well with him. The two of them started going out together and liked each other more and more. A few months passed and Jack decided to ask this girl to marry him, to which she said yes. Everyone who knew these two thought that this was a rather smart decision because Jack and his girl fit each other’s personalities so well. Jack was happy, very happy. Unfortunately, a few weeks after the two became engaged, the girl told Jack that they couldn’t get married anymore and broke off the engagement as well as the whole relationship. Jack was very, very sad.

Jack is a good friend of mine so, naturally, I did my best to comfort him. I told him all the useless platitudes: “There is still a girl out there waiting for you” and the like. I knew they didn’t really help, but there’s not much else you can say in a situation like this. Telling a friend that there is still someone out there for them right after they get dumped by the person they thought was that someone isn’t really helpful to anyone. But, that’s not what I wanted to talk about today.

I want to open the floor to discussion. What do you do when you lose that person who made you feel happier than you’ve ever dreamed you could feel? How do you handle it? I could share numerous occasions where I’ve had to deal with losing someone I cared about (some recent, some not so recent), but I won’t bore you with that. (Maybe I will later.) Here’s a question for you: What do you do when you meet someone who you hit it off with almost immediately, go on a few dates with, and then find out that they have a boyfriend that they’re pretty serious with? By the by, what’s the point of going on dates with people when you are already seeing someone? Are you just trying to break people’s hearts by leading them on then telling them that nothing will happen between the two of you? It’s either that, or you really aren’t that serious with anyone. Pick one.

Here’s another story I’d like to share with you about a friend I used to work with. He and I were pretty close when we were working because neither of us has served a mission and have had to deal with the consequences of our decision (see some of my previous posts if you want to know what some of those consequences are). Again, I won’t say his name. We’ll call him Jeff. Anyway, I got an email from Jeff a couple of weeks ago in which he let me know about some of the problems he’s having right now. Apparently, he has the same issues with return missionaries that I do. Jeff has been “going steady” with a girl for about 8 months now and finally decided to pop the question to her. Her answer: “No, because I’m waiting for my missionary to come home.” Jeff was heartbroken, as anyone would be. Not only was his proposal rejected, but it turns out that Jeff had been lied to for 8 months by a girl he thought he would marry. It’s pretty hard to take in, I’m sure. I wasn’t sure what to tell Jeff. So I just told him that he’d be better off without her because, let’s be honest, if a girl doesn’t have the decency to tell you that she’s waiting for a missionary until you’ve dated for 8 months, she’s really not somebody you’d want to spend your life with. He knew that I was right, but that didn’t really help how he was feeling. It really wouldn’t be easy for anyone to deal with; being led around by the nose for that long only to be pulled off a cliff and down into the turbulent sea of despair and deceit.

So, how do we deal with something like that? (I’m using ‘we’ as inclusive for anyone who’s been in a similar situation, gals included.) What are we supposed to take away from the relationship once it’s over? Something like this will leave us with a lot of unanswered questions, and nobody likes those. Let me know how you'd handle a situation like these.

Why Return Missionaries Have Ruined the Dating Scene in Utah

That’s right; I’m attacking return missionaries in this post. Why, you ask? Because it’s about flogging time that somebody did. I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t like return missionaries, because that’s not true. Most of my best friends are return missionaries, my older brother is one, and my younger brother is going to be in just 5 short months. I think return missionaries are great, but they have made life hard for those of us that didn’t serve missions. I know you probably think I’m being spiteful, and I am, sort of, but with good reason, so hear me out.

Let’s take the average missionary returning home after their 2 years of service. Hopefully, you’ve performed admirably on your mission and will be released with honor. Now you start into your “normal” life, but it’s not going to be normal really, not if you live in Utah. You’ve just become a celebrity. People are going to see you and raise you up on a pedestal high above anyone or anything else. But, it’s not your fault. I’d like to emphasize that here. Return missionaries don’t ask for the praise and adoration they receive, but they’re going to get it whether they want it or not; which is why it’s not their fault that they’ve ruined the dating scene here in Utah.

Anyway, I need to tie this into dating. When I talk about RMs getting praise and adoration from everyone they come across, I mean EVERYONE. Especially young women. Young women of the LDS church have been taught from an early age that they are supposed to marry a young return missionary as soon as they possibly can. It’s been drummed into their heads so much that they don’t even realize how biased and uppity they have become where dating is concerned. If you read my blog regularly, you’ll remember the story I told about two people meeting in a grocery store, dating for a while, and then finding out they are from two different religions. The same thing happens within the LDS religion. A girl and a guy could meet randomly in, oh, let’s say they meet at a movie theater. They talk for a while, find out that both are LDS and become totally infatuated with each other. (We’re going to pretend that the topic of a mission didn’t come up at all. Yes, I know that’s really pushing it.) The two exchange phone numbers and begin courtship. They go on a couple of dates which only increase the feelings of like they have for each other. They talk together on the phone when they’re not together and find out that they have tons of stuff in common with each other. (Yes, we’re still pretending that they haven’t mentioned missions yet. Impossibility, I know, but this is my story.) One night the two decide to watch a movie. The girl chooses “The RM” and pops it in. About 30 seconds into the opening credits, the girl turns to the guy and asks in as innocent a voice as she can: “Speaking of missions, where did you serve on yours?” The guy looks uncomfortable as he replies with: “Oh, I… I didn’t go on a mission.” The girl immediately pulls away from under his arm and stares accusingly at him. At that point, the relationship is over. She just can’t be with a man who didn’t dedicate 2 years of his life to serving. It doesn’t matter how valid of a reason the guy gives her, she can’t be with him. The guy will leave her house that night single once again and will likely never see the girl again, no matter how much he wants to.

Before everyone asks, no, this didn’t happen to me. I doubt it has ever happened exactly like that to any guy, and there’s a good reason why. LDS girls living in Utah will never let a relationship get past the first date without finding out where a guy served his mission. Some won’t even let the relationship get past “Hi, my name is so-and-so” before they ask him about his mission. I’d also like to take a moment to point out that it’s not always the girl’s choice to think and feel the way they do about RMs. I’ve already said that they’ve had it pounded into their heads since they were old enough to stand. No, most girls aren’t that judgmental on their own. They have their parents to thank for making them so shallow.

In my experience, it doesn’t matter how great a guy is, the girl will still reject him if he didn’t serve a mission. A guy could be a Nobel Prize winner and, unless he served, he still wouldn’t have a chance with a Utah LDS girl. And, according to friends who live elsewhere, it really is just the LDS girls in Utah who feel this way.

Anyway, I’d better wrap this up before it gets any longer. I’ll just end by saying this: Girls; learn to step outside the confines that have been placed in your mind by family and church leaders and try to see a guy for who he really is, mission or no. You never know when you’re going to pass up a great guy who could have made you happier than you ever have or will have been just because you can’t see past the menial fact that he didn’t serve a mission. Also, if you find out that a guy you like didn’t serve a mission, don’t judge by that. Ask questions as to why he didn’t. You may find out that a mission wouldn’t have worked for him.

And that’s where I’ll end today. Sorry this post is so long, but it’s a subject I feel strongly about. Let me know how you feel about it in the comments.