Sometimes I feel like the world is a crazy, mixed up, backwards place. The ways things work have changed over the course of history. Instead of honest, brave men being elected President, we instead have smooth-talking, mendacious liars who wouldn’t understand the concept of a promise if it hit them repeatedly in the face running our country. Even in just the 25 years I’ve been alive, things have changed. As a child, I knew for a fact that girls liked boys who were nice to them and avoided the ones who were mean. It’s just the way it was. Today, however, the opposite seems to be true, which is what I’d like to talk about today.
There’s a very old saying that nice guys finish last. I don’t think I fully understood that saying until I was well into my dating career. I have my own version of that saying that may seem a bit facetious, but is more or less true. If dating is a race, then I believe that nice guys don’t finish last. Instead, nice guys get their kneecaps broken in the locker room by the head cheerleader before the race even starts. Colorful, no? I may have fully believed that saying when I came up with it, but I’m not sure how much I do now, but it’s still funny to say, if only to get people to question your sanity.
Several months ago my singles ward had a guest speaker come and talk to us about dating. (I think the Bishopric was trying to tell us something.) She handed out a list of the 20 things men don’t know about women and the 20 things women don’t know about men. Number 3 on the former list was “Women are turned off by men who are too nice.” The speaker elaborated on this by saying that men who are too nice are seen as weak, which is unattractive to women. Now, I’m sure that this statement isn’t true for every woman out there, but I’m also sure that the speaker wouldn’t have included it on the list without some sort of facts to back it up.
If you ask anyone who knows me decently well, they’ll tell you that I’m too nice. I’ve even had people tell me that me being too nice is going to be my ultimate downfall and will probably kill me eventually. I asked them how they figured I would die from it and they pointed out the fact that I care more about everybody else and their well being than I do for myself. I couldn’t argue with them, so I seceded from the argument.
So, what does a guy like me do to change something like that? I really don’t have it in me to be a mean person. I think I missed that firmware update. So what do I do? I’m sure there must be a way for me to continue being nice without seeming like a doormat to everybody and their dog. I’d like to be able to find a girl that is going to appreciate the fact that I’m a nice guy who actually cares about her feelings, her happiness and her well being. After reading that last sentence, I had to laugh, mostly at the world. Why would it be such a turn off to a girl to date a guy who cared about her that much? Has the world changed so much that kindness and affection are scoffed at while discourtesy and disrespect are lauded as admirable traits in a companion? Again, sometimes I feel like the world is a crazy, mixed up, backwards place.
What does everybody else think though? Girls; am I way off base in thinking that there’s no room left in the world for a genuinely nice guy? Have any of you dated a guy that was ‘too nice’? What exactly did they do to earn the label of ‘too nice’ and why was that a turn off? Guys; have you had any of the same struggles in dating? If you’ve been labeled as ‘too nice’, do you see yourself changing your habits any time soon? Let me know in the comments.
I feel like I’ve targeted girls too much in this post, so my next one will be aimed more at the male population.
I was talking to a friend of mine about this very subject the other day. I have to say I agree, being nice seems to backfire on me (I'm a guy). I have been home from my mission for over 4 years, go on dates on a regular basis and have had no relationship last more than a week so I've spent considerable time considering what I'm doing "wrong".
ReplyDeleteMy friend encouraged me to consider the "law of least interest". It sounds crazy and I'm still pondering it but the idea is the person with the least interest has the most power. I think this goes along the lines of what you are talking about here. What this means to me is that you are still a great nice guy but when it comes to girls giving them too much attention or being too "nice" seems to backfire. Another friend suggested that by appearing slightly disinterested it may peak a girl's interest more than being the nice guy. How you stick with this tactic and come out ahead I'm still developing.
These are just the humble rantings of another YSA attempting to find his way. Best of luck.
I think the "too nice" thing stems from girls not wanting to feel like they are incapable of taking care of themselves. I don't remember who it was that I dated that I told them they were taking the "nice" thing too far. It's great to have a guy open the door for you, care about your well-being, and offer compliments, but it becomes tiresome when the guy won't let you do anything for yourself. One of the things I love about my husband is the fact that he teases me, and I can tease him right back. I know he cares about me, and when it comes to the things that really matter, he doesn't tease. But it makes the relationship more fun when he can make a funny, joking remark, and I can make one right back at him. That was the issue I had with whatever guy it was I dated: he refused to tease about anything. I felt like I was put in a glass display on a shelf, not a living, breathing person to interact with. That's just my two-cents about the "too nice" thing. :) And for the record - I think you are just the right amount of nice.
ReplyDeleteI was always one who didn't want a guys who was "too nice", but by that I meant, I didn't want him to be scared to tease me. That was my own personal definition of too nice, but it may be different for other people.
ReplyDeleteBryson, here is the thing. Attraction is very illogical. It doesn't make any logical sense AT ALL! We might be "perfect" on paper but that doesn't mean anything to attraction.
ReplyDeleteI've had the most success at dating (most numbers, best/most flirts, etc.) was when I was busting the girls balls. Not in a bad or hostile way, but a teasing way. Nice guys, get the bad rap because they kinda deserve it...They are almost begging for attention. And that's not the way love or attraction works at all.
I'm not implying to stop being nice and being you. However, not pander to every little thing she wants. They want a grown man who isn't afraid to say no.
Going back to attraction, people say love finds you when you are not looking for it. That's true. When you are busy having fun, working, and not worrying about where you are, who you are with, what you are doing - it will find you. We sometimes get caught up way to much with our ego, that we miss a lot of opportunites (and fun). Making what I just said applicable; say you are invited to a party. If you look sad, or aren't looking like you are not having a lot of fun - people will ignore those people. That's the way it is. But if you are there with your guy friends, laughing, taking pictures, and not worrying about women (or rejection) then women's attraction to you becomes MUCH stronger. It works subcounsiously because it shows them, that you can have fun, and take care of yourself, WITH or WITHOUT them. That equals confidence and quality of life. So if a "10" (physical appearance) walks by and you talk to her and she's not responding well or flirting back with you...oh well! You will move on; and not worry about your self-esteem (because you are a confident man), and flirt with the next girl.
Oh another thing; Women fall for something everytime, and that is the mentality of "cocky and funny". David DeAngelo gives some great lectures about it, and I promise it has worked! Google it, and read his texts or signup for his emails (funny and informative). It goes against everything logical that you do and say, but like I said earlier, attraction is very illogical. It doesn't make sense. But use it, and I promise women will respond in a postive way back to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd you see why it works, especially with 7, 8, 9, and 10s, is that when they get hit on all the time, they have some filter that ignores those guys (because most of the guys are wussies AKA "too nice" because they come across as beggars). When you bust them in a cocky and funny way, and tease them - you will stand out to them as mysterious, VERY confident, and funny.
haha, this reminds me a personal story, where I once used the C&F approach on this "10" down in St. George while I was at the movie theaters, and while she was on a date too! So I sat right next to her, and her date got up during the movie to go pee or get a drink, etc. whatever. Anywho, I leaned over and said that I liked her heels (which I did). And she said thanks. Then I said, "but I dunno about your dress...where do you get that from? your curtain drapes?" and then I laughed. It wasn't mean spirited, just a joking reply since the dress was a little peculiar, although not ugly. So, she just sat there with a shocked look on her face and probably thinking "how dare you!" expression, but I kept my ground (she was definitely waiting for me to break or say "just kiddin") and after another minute she started laughing pretty loudly. Then I just smiled her and her said, "ssssh...you need to be quiet, you're disrupting my movie". Then I just smiled to myself and finished the movie.
I could tell from my peripherial that she was just glancing at me like "who is that guy" and "how dare him to make fun of me" and stuff like that, so I just smiled away. So after the movie, we all get up and SHE introduced herself to me (as here date was talking to someone else) and shook my hand! And in her hand, was her phone number! Seriously! I was thinking to myself - well, that was weird. All I did was make fun of your dress, and I got your number. That's when I learned that attraction is very illogical.
Anyways, So I took her out on 4 dates and bryson, man was she sooooo Hot and Beautiful! She was super funny, and loved the outdoors like me. Too bad I had to move back home after college and we went our separate ways.
Man! I wish I had never taught my ex-boyfriend to be not too nice. He was extremely sweet, and I told him it doesn't work. Now he's going to be super fun and confident with his new girlfriend! Darn it! D: haha
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