Love Is Not A Four Letter Word

Love seems to be a topic that my friends and I talk about quite a lot. We don't have deep discussions about it, but it does seem to come up in our conversations quite a bit, whether it be because someone is in a new relationship and we're asking about it, or because someone is freshly single and we're comforting them. Either way, the topic of love is going to come up when you and your friends are single and actively engaged in the dating scene. It makes me wonder why the word 'love' is such a tender topic for some people.

You all know my thoughts on love, so I'm not going to get into that today. Well, at least not as in depth and poetic as I have in the past. I'm going to try to speak plainly today.

Most of my friends are in a relationship of some kind right now. I look at them and their significant other and I wonder if the two of them know how the other one feels about them. If one of them loves the other, have they told them? If they have, how did the other person respond? Was the feeling reciprocated? Or did the other person not really feel that way quite yet?

That brings me back to the word 'love' being such a tender topic for people. Why is it such a bad thing for someone to tell someone else that they love them? If you feel that you love someone, you should tell them. Not doing so could end up haunting you for the rest of your life. You'll be left with a 'what if' and there's nothing more maddening than having an unanswered question looming over you like the sword of Damocles. Just remember, the word 'love' isn't meant to be bandied about and said to just anyone. If you're going to tell someone you love them, I really hope that you mean it. Those four letters could be a turning point in your relationship and if you don't really mean them when you say them, it's probably going to lead to someone getting hurt, which you don't want.

I guess that I can see why someone wouldn't want to break out the 'L' word in a relationship. (No, I don't mean 'lesbian' or 'lesbians'.) When you tell someone that you love them you're putting yourself out on the edge and hoping that you don't fall. You can't go any higher than telling someone you love them. I suppose you could say that you really love them, but it all means the same thing. Anyway, it can be a bit scary making a huge leap like that in a relationship, especially if you're the first one to say it.

There are people on both ends of the spectrum. There's the people that say 'I love you' early on in a relationship. Those are the people who I feel don't really mean it. I honestly don't think you can really love someone until you've been with them for a while, because you don't really know them that early on. You may really like that person, but it takes time to really love them. Then there's the people who wait to say it until they really feel it. They want to be sure of the feeling before they express it. They may know that they love someone early on, but they want to be sure that the feeling is right before they say it. In my opinion, those people are the smart ones. It's like I already said; when you say it and don't really mean it, someone is going to get hurt.

I guess I'll wrap this up now, although it doesn't feel like I really made a very definite point here. Oh well. I guess sometimes it's good to just ramble on about things. I'll leave you with a question or two: How many of you have told someone you loved them and meant it? How many of you have said it and not had it returned?

I'm Fine Where I Am, Thank You

Alright, I'm LDS, single, and almost 24, so you can probably guess that the pressure for me to get married is coming in full bore. I'm getting the pushed towards matrimony by my parents, my bishopric, my friends, random strangers. Pretty much everyone. There's that saying in the LDS Church that says: "If you're 25 and unmarried, you're a menace to society". I know it was said by a prophet, but I don't think that makes it doctrine, no matter how much people wish it was.

The thing is; I'm happy being single. I'm enjoying life as a single adult, and I think I want to continue enjoying it for a while longer. Yes, I'd eventually like to get married and start a family, but I don't see why everyone wants me to rush into it. Marriage is a big decision, probably the biggest one I'm ever going to take, and I don't want to botch it up. When I get married, I want to be certain that I've made the right choice. No, I'm not saying that I'm waiting for "The One" to come into my life, you all know I don't believe in "The One". I'm just saying that I want to be sure that the person I'm marrying is going to be right for me.

I was almost engaged a little over a year ago. She broke things off before I actually proposed. I was sad at the time, but looking back on that relationship, it would have been a huge mistake for me to marry her. She was completely wrong for me in every sense of the word. My point is; I was totally enthralled by the idea of getting married that I started to ignore the blatant fact that the girl was not the type of girl I wanted to marry.

Anyway, I didn't want this to be a rant post, it's more just me musing. I've had several friends tell me recently that the pressure for them to get married is driving them insane. A few of them are starting to cave under the pressure. They're no longer dating to have fun, but are on the prowl for their special someone, which is a bad idea, in my mind. Both guys and gals can tell when you're scoping them out for marriage and it can make them feel uncomfortable to be around you, which you don't want. I'm a huge believer that you should be dating to have fun. When you're on a date just to have fun you act differently than when you're trying to hunt down a spouse. If you're just trying to have fun, you're obviously going to be more fun to be around. The date will probably end better and you'll probably have a better chance at getting Date #2. However, when you're only going on dates so that you can get married, the other person might get scared away. You're going to say things that you wouldn't normally say and do things that might come across as odd. All of this is because you're going to be putting that same pressure to get married that you're feeling onto the other person whether you realize it or not.

What do the rest of you think? Do I make a good point or am I totally off base? How many of you are dealing with pressure to get married and how are you dealing with it if you are? Who are you getting pressure from?

That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles

Break ups are one of the hardest things we're going to have to deal with as single people. After, or during, a break up, your emotions are running as high and hard as a river in Spring and a lot of the things you're feeling, you've never felt before and you just don't know how to handle them. If you've never been through a break up with anybody, consider yourself lucky. Nobody wants to have to deal with those feelings. I don't think that anything I write about on here today will make anybody's break up easier, but I'd like to talk about them anyway. And if you can think of anything I miss, feel free to tell me so in the comments.

Breaking up with someone isn't an easy process. most people don't just decide overnight that they're going to end things. Usually, they'll think about it over an extended period of time to make sure that it's the right decision for them and for the other person. They know that what they're thinking of doing is going to hurt the other person, and nobody really wants to intentionally do something to hurt someone else.

You hear a lot of people say that, when they break up with someone, they're going to try to let that someone down easy so there are no hurt feelings. Sadly, it hardly ever works out that way. When you break up with someone, you're basically telling them that you reject them, be it after a month with them or after 2 years with them, and there's no "easy" way to say that to someone. Feelings are going to be hurt and there will probably be tears involved, which is normal. I know a lot of people don't like to cry, but if that's what it takes to make you feel better, there's no reason not to.

So, if there's no easy way to break up with someone, how do the people you break up with feel better about it faster? Well, honestly, I find the best way to deal with a break up is to share. You have friends and family who care about you for a reason. Talk to them about what you're feeling, they'll listen to you. If they're really your friends, they'll help you through all the hard times in your life without expecting anything in return. Vent as much as you can about what you're going through, it's going to help you a lot. The more you talk about it, the easier it's going to be to deal with, which means you'll feel happier faster.

After a break up, you need to make sure that you focus on You for a while. It may sound selfish, but it's true. Fill your time with things that are going to make you happy. Surround yourself with people that are going to make you laugh. When you're happy and laughing, the little things like the break up are going to shrink into insignificance and before you know it, it won't be on your mind at all anymore.

So, there's my thoughts on break ups. I hope they were helpful for all my readers. Did I miss anything? If so, don't be afraid to let me know.

More Thoughts...

Ever since I made the goal I mentioned in my last post, I've had the topic of love on my mind a lot. Not just concerning myself, but lots of other people in my life. Over the past few months I've seen people fall in and out of love with each other a lot and it's gotten me wondering how many of them actually loved the other (which I've pondered about on this blog a lot already). But it really is something that's on my mind a lot, so I'm going to ramble about it again today.

I look at some of my friends who are married now and I wonder how long it took each of them to know that the other person was the one for them. Did they know before they got married? Did they know right when they met? Did it take a few months of married life for them to know? Also, I wonder what it was that sparked that feeling in each of them. As far as my reltionships have gone, I can know that I like a girl right from the start, but it usually takes some time before I realize that I love them, and I've never really been sure what she does that causes the change in feelings. I don't really think that it could be just one thing, but rather a culmination of many things over a period of time. Who knows? For those of you who read this and have met "the one for you", how did you know that they were?

If you've been reading this blog for long enough, you'll remember that post where I shared my various thoughts on love. I've shown that post to several people since I wrote it and every one of them has said basically the same thing: "Oh, that is so true!" which, in my mind, it is. Love is not an easy thing to obtain. Love has to be sought for. It's not going to just fall into your lap. I see too many people nowadays that just want the perfect man/woman to seek them out and find them without any effort of their own, but it just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. If you want your perfect match in life, you're going to have to actually try to find them, and when you do, it's not going to be an easy, leisurely stroll after that. No, you're going to have to work at the relationship if you want it to succeed. Too many relationships fail because either one, or both, of the people involved think they can just sit back and let Fate work her magic. It's not until the relationship is over that they realize they should have actually done something to help Fate along.

I'm really sounding bitter, aren't I? I'm not trying to, honestly. These are just some of the thoughts that have been floating around my mind lately. Anyway, what do the rest of you think? Can you prove me wrong? Can love actually just fall straight into your lap? Let me know.

A Goal For No Love

Well, with December almost over and the new year almost upon us, I thought I’d try to get at least one post up for this month. So, I thought I’d tell you about my New Year’s resolution, seeing as it applies to dating.Yesterday, at my singles ward, in sacrament meeting, the speakers were talking about setting goals. There were four speakers and each one of them talked about different parts of the goal setting process. The first speaker spoke specifically about goals in dating. I’m sure they were talking about New Year’s resolutions, so I began to think of what I’d like to accomplish in the coming year as far as dating goes and I came up with something that I’d like to think is a pretty epic goal.

During the coming year, I’ve decided that I can’t fall in love with anyone. Not even once. If I fall in love with anyone, I lose. And I’m not talking about just having a crush on someone. No, I’m talking about myself and someone else falling in love with each other. Real love, not just like. Although, I’m probably going to try to avoid falling in like with anyone as well, simply because like will usually lead to love if you let it.

You’re probably wondering how I came up with this goal and why I decided to go with it. Well, it’s really pretty simple. In the past several years, falling in love with people has brought me nothing but sorrow, simply because the love I had for them was not reciprocated. Don’t get me wrong; love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, when it is returned to you. When it’s not, however, it can be a very soul-crushing feeling. I’ve been on the soul-crushing end more than not these past few years, so you can imagine how the thought of not falling in love with anyone would appeal to me. So, I decided to make that my goal for the year.

But, and I’m sure you’ve thought this already, how is that an epic goal? To most people, it isn’t, but if you think about it, it really is. Let me explain: If I succeed at my goal and don’t fall in love for a whole year, I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I followed through and accomplished a goal I set for myself. If, however, I fail at my goal and fall in love with someone (someone who loves me back) I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I love someone who loves me. It’s really a win-win situation. There is some bittersweetness to the goal. If I do fall in love and become happy for that reason, there’s always the chance that things will go sour between myself and the girl, which would lead to some major unhappiness, but I’m going to try to not think too much about that.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have goals set for the new year that have to do with dating? If so, what are they? Share them with us!

By the way, I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to stop dating, because I'm not.

Bomb Dates

Okay, I'm sure I've told you plenty of thoughts and ideas I've had for dates, some of them were probably good, some not so good. But, have any of you ever been on a date that just tanked? I'm not talking about a date where you felt awkward around the other person. No, I'm talking about a date that will go down in your personal history as a terrible, no good date; a date that followed all the laws of Murphy. (Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.)

I've had a couple that I can think of. I won't share the gritty details of them, but I'll just say this: I still use the stories of those dates to scare small children into never wanting to date. I mean, they were some of the worst experiences of my social life. I'm not saying that the person I was with was a terrible person or anything like that, but it just seemed that we didn't really "click" and probably never would, but we were stuck with each other for at least a few hours, although it seemed like much longer to me.

I think I actually will share one of my bad dating experiences with you. One date in particular stands out to me. It was actually the first date I ever went on, ironically. It was my junior year of high school and I had been asked to the Christmas dance by a very good friend or mine. It seemed that it would be a great way to start dating. But, alas, such was not to be. Everything seemed to crash on this date. During the day activity I think I only saw my date once, as she seemed to want to hang out and talk to anyone but me. Dinner was really the only part of the date that seemed to go well, although my date once again seemed more interested in the other people at the table. As for the actual dance? Well, my date and I slow danced for about 25 seconds of one song, then she decided that she'd much rather drag me around the room and talk to her friends. I think I said maybe one complete sentence to my date the whole time we were there. Needless to say, it wasn't the grand entrance into the dating scene that I'd hoped for.

I could go on with other horror stories from my dating life, but I think I'd much rather hear from the rest of you. Have you been on a particularly terrible date? What made it so bad? Was it the person you were with? The activity? The doorstep scene? Share your stories with us.

I'm No Professional

First off, I’d like to apologize for my absence. I’ve been really trying to think of things to write about, but where this is a dating blog, and I haven’t really been doing much dating, I’ve been hard up for things to write about. But, I’ll really try to be better at regular posting again.

Okay, I know that I’m nowhere near qualified to give advice on dating, especially where I have so much trouble with it myself, but I thought I might give some advice to those of you who are dealing with heartbreak at this time. Break ups are hard for everyone, and they are also going to feel different for each person in each relationship. When two people break up, one person is usually going to feel much worse than the other person. Although, hopefully, the person who did the breaking up is sad as well, because if you break someone’s heart and don’t feel any kind of remorse, that’s just terrible.

Possibly the best advice I can give to anyone going through a breakup is this: don’t keep the sadness and hurt that you’re undoubtedly feeling bottled up inside you. Let things out, vent to your friends and family, write about it in a blog or journal. You’re supposed to feel sad and hurt, so let people know that’s how you’re feeling. If they are really your friends, they’ll listen and feel sad for you. If you keep feelings of any kind, but especially sadness, bottled up inside you, they are going to become harder and harder to deal with when they finally do surface. Feelings are a lot like money in that sense, but instead of saving them, you need to spend them as fast as you can, or else they’ll grow bigger and more difficult to handle.

I would also like to say that, after the breakup has happened, it’s probably not your best idea to immediately start back into the dating world. You’re going to have feelings to deal with that could mess up any relationship that might come your way, be it small or large. When you’ve been through a breakup, you’re going to feel alone and vulnerable and will begin to reach out to anyone who you think can fill the void that has been created in your world. The biggest problem with this is that you’re going to try to get right back to where you were in your last relationship, but with a new person, and that’s not a good thing. As hard as it will be, you will want to take your time with dating. It’s normal for people to jump straight into what is called a “rebound relationship”. Rebound relationships are usually started and ended fast and will leave you feeling emptier than you did before. Just remember to pace yourself when you finally do decide to start dating again. Go on dates, but try to avoid getting too serious too fast.

I know that, this being an LDS dating blog, the church leaders look down on “hanging out” over dating, but when you’re just barely back into the dating scene, sometimes hanging out is better for you. You’re going to meet more people that you might like to ask out when you’re with a group of people than you will when you’re on a one-on-one date. If you happen to go to a singles ward, try to go to the ward activities. Those are great ways to meet other people you might be interested in. I know that most singles wards do a ward Family Home Evening every week, and I highly recommend going to it. Other than getting a spiritual uplift, you’re going to have a chance to mingle with other people your age who have the same values as you do, which is nice.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have advice for people who are going through a hard breakup? Let’s try to get another discussion going in the comments. Help each other out.