I'm Fine Where I Am, Thank You

Alright, I'm LDS, single, and almost 24, so you can probably guess that the pressure for me to get married is coming in full bore. I'm getting the pushed towards matrimony by my parents, my bishopric, my friends, random strangers. Pretty much everyone. There's that saying in the LDS Church that says: "If you're 25 and unmarried, you're a menace to society". I know it was said by a prophet, but I don't think that makes it doctrine, no matter how much people wish it was.

The thing is; I'm happy being single. I'm enjoying life as a single adult, and I think I want to continue enjoying it for a while longer. Yes, I'd eventually like to get married and start a family, but I don't see why everyone wants me to rush into it. Marriage is a big decision, probably the biggest one I'm ever going to take, and I don't want to botch it up. When I get married, I want to be certain that I've made the right choice. No, I'm not saying that I'm waiting for "The One" to come into my life, you all know I don't believe in "The One". I'm just saying that I want to be sure that the person I'm marrying is going to be right for me.

I was almost engaged a little over a year ago. She broke things off before I actually proposed. I was sad at the time, but looking back on that relationship, it would have been a huge mistake for me to marry her. She was completely wrong for me in every sense of the word. My point is; I was totally enthralled by the idea of getting married that I started to ignore the blatant fact that the girl was not the type of girl I wanted to marry.

Anyway, I didn't want this to be a rant post, it's more just me musing. I've had several friends tell me recently that the pressure for them to get married is driving them insane. A few of them are starting to cave under the pressure. They're no longer dating to have fun, but are on the prowl for their special someone, which is a bad idea, in my mind. Both guys and gals can tell when you're scoping them out for marriage and it can make them feel uncomfortable to be around you, which you don't want. I'm a huge believer that you should be dating to have fun. When you're on a date just to have fun you act differently than when you're trying to hunt down a spouse. If you're just trying to have fun, you're obviously going to be more fun to be around. The date will probably end better and you'll probably have a better chance at getting Date #2. However, when you're only going on dates so that you can get married, the other person might get scared away. You're going to say things that you wouldn't normally say and do things that might come across as odd. All of this is because you're going to be putting that same pressure to get married that you're feeling onto the other person whether you realize it or not.

What do the rest of you think? Do I make a good point or am I totally off base? How many of you are dealing with pressure to get married and how are you dealing with it if you are? Who are you getting pressure from?

What if...

Have you ever thought about how your life would be different if you didn't grow up in the religion you did? I never really have, but a good friend of mine asked me that exact question a while back and it got me thinking. What would my life be like if I wasn't LDS? Would I still have the same morals and values I have now? Would I smoke or drink? Would I be covered in tattoos and piercings? What religion would I be? What type of people would I date?

I honestly don't know. I'm pretty sure I can answer a few of these questions, such as the smoking one. Smoking is stupid no matter what religion you are. And I'm pretty sure I would not be covered in tattoos and piercings. (That's not to say that I wouldn't have one or two of each.) But as for dating? I'm really not sure. As it is, I don't just date LDS girls. In fact, my high school girlfriend was Catholic. I think that, even if I didn't grow up LDS, I would still try to date upstanding girls rather than trashy, skanky ones. There's just something really attractive about a girl who cares about who she is and what she stands for, LDS or not.

But, I do think it would be a little bit more... freeing to not have to limit myself to marrying only LDS girls. I can think of several non-LDS girls I've met that I would gladly date, but I don't simply because of the fact that we would not be able to get married in The Temple. And I'm not trying to say that I want to marry outside of the church, nor that I plan to. But, there are a lot more options for marriage when you broaden your dating horizons.

What do you all think? What would your life be like if you weren't LDS? (Or if you weren't the religion you are?) What would you do differently with your life?

Well, That's Where It All Falls Down, Isn't It?

*WARNING* I’m going to say some things in today’s post that I know a lot of people are going to disagree with and are going to be angry about. Don’t stone me if you don’t agree, because you were warned.

I happened to stumble across Don Osmond’s blog on mormontimes.com and decided to read it. He, like me, tends to talk about dating in the LDS church a lot. In the post I was reading, he was talking about how he feels about dating people of other faiths and whether it’s right to do something like that. He refers to the process known as “flirt to convert” which is where a young man or woman will be interested in someone of another faith and will try to convert them so that they can marry in the temple. It’s a process that happens more often than most people think.

I honestly don’t think that it’s a good idea. If a man or woman only becomes LDS so they can marry you, there’s something missing there. They should want to convert to being LDS because they believe the religion is right, not just so they can get married. But, what do you do if the guy/gal you’re interested in is not of your faith and has made it clear that they don’t plan to be? Should you just put them out of your mind and focus your attention on someone else who believes the same things you do? (This is where I’m going to start saying things that will make you angry.)

Church leaders will say yes to my question. You shouldn’t try to date someone of another faith if they’ve made it clear that they’re not going to convert to being LDS. You’re supposed to get married and sealed in the temple and spend the rest of your life going to church each week with that special LDS guy/gal. But, I disagree. If you find yourself liking (or loving) someone who isn’t LDS and you really, truly feel that you could spend the rest of your life with that person, then do it. If you love someone, and I mean REALLY love someone, you can’t very well just stop loving them because they aren’t of your faith. It’s impossible to completely stop loving someone once you have feelings of real, deep love for them, and if you say you’ve done it, you’re lying. Deep down inside you, there are still feelings for that person and they will nag at you for the rest of your life.

So, how do you work out the marriage situation with someone who doesn’t believe what you believe? Where will you get married? How will you raise your children? There are lots of people who marry people of other religions and things work out. Either one person will convert to the other’s religion, or one will not be that strong in their religion and won’t care that their children go to a different church. Those are just a couple of examples, but you get what I’m saying. The point is; if you really love someone and they really love you back, there shouldn’t be anything on this earth that should deter you from being with each other.

There’s a quote that I feel should be in this post. It’s from the movie “The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (the 2005 version). It’s said by Slartibartfast. He’s talking to Arthur Dent when he says: “I’d much rather be happy than right any day.” It’s a great little quote that can be applied to almost anything. When it comes to marriage, I’d much rather be happy with who I chose to marry. I think most people would. And if you marry someone you really, really love, your chances of being happy are much, much greater.

Again, if you don’t like what I’ve said, let me know in the comments. You probably won’t change my mind, but let me know all the same. Also, let me know if you do agree with me.

Newly-Single

Being LDS and single, I’m very keenly aware of the pressure to get married that’s being exerted from church leaders, parents, ward members, friends, neighbors, pets, the random people I run into at the store, and possibly even rocks and trees. I don’t know who originally came up with the idea that LDS people should get married before they turn 25 (because after that, you’re a menace to society), but I don’t entirely agree with it. Yes, I would eventually like to get married, but on my own timetable. I look back at my last few serious relationships, and it seems like we both felt so much pressure to get married that we looked past our differences (some of them even being what some would term “deal-breakers”) and only focused on the fact that we both wanted to one day get married, so why not to each other? Obviously, the fact that I’m still single should help you to realize that none of those relationships worked out. I think it was just a few days after I went ring shopping with my last girlfriend that I realized that I’m not ready to get married. (For some reason, this sudden enlightenment didn’t hit me until after she’d already broken up with me. Good timing, eh?) But now I’m getting all the pep talks from various people about how “things will work out for the best” and “there is still someone out there for you”. I already know all of this. If I’ve learned anything from the past 7 years of dating it’s that there is always someone else out there for me and that, eventually, things almost always work out for the best.

This isn’t to say that I’m giving up on dating, far from it actually. I’m just going to be a bit more cautious about who I date and how serious I allow things to get with somebody. In my last two relationships, the girl and I declared ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend before we had even gone on a single date. I know, I know, that’s really not a good plan and I realize that now. Sad, though, that it took me two relationships to figure that out. So, now I’ve got to figure out how to take a girl on a date without giving the impression that I want to spend the rest of my life with them, which is really hard to do with LDS girls. The pressure for them to get married is much greater than it is for LDS men. But that’s because they tell themselves from an early age that they’re going to marry a nice, handsome return missionary before they turn 21. (I’m probably exaggerating this just a bit, but not by much.) This could pose quite a problem for someone like me who’s just trying to go on friendly dates.

This isn’t the only problem I’m having as a single, LDS male. The main problem I’ve had these past several years goes right along with what I just said. LDS girls tell themselves that they are going to marry a nice, handsome return missionary. So, what’s a non-return missionary to do? I could probably count on my fingers how many times I’ve been shot down by a girl because of this. (Well, I could count them all on my fingers if I had about 20 hands.) I’ve never once heard the leaders of our church tell girls to only date return missionaries and to absolutely never date someone who hasn’t served a mission. To me, it seems like most of them are told that by their parents, or even themselves, which is sad. There are so many young men who didn’t serve missions, such as me, who are still great guys. And yet, so many girls will look at these men and only see the fact that they didn’t serve a mission and immediately tell themselves that this person is not dating material. It really, well, sucks for a person like me.

So, now I need input. First, how can I find LDS girls that are willing to go on dates with me and can overlook the fact that I didn't serve a mission? Second, how can I keep myself from getting super attached to the girl on our first date and vice versa? Let me know if you have any ideas.