A New Take On An Old Topic

Sometimes I feel like the world is a crazy, mixed up, backwards place. The ways things work have changed over the course of history. Instead of honest, brave men being elected President, we instead have smooth-talking, mendacious liars who wouldn’t understand the concept of a promise if it hit them repeatedly in the face running our country. Even in just the 25 years I’ve been alive, things have changed. As a child, I knew for a fact that girls liked boys who were nice to them and avoided the ones who were mean. It’s just the way it was. Today, however, the opposite seems to be true, which is what I’d like to talk about today.

There’s a very old saying that nice guys finish last. I don’t think I fully understood that saying until I was well into my dating career. I have my own version of that saying that may seem a bit facetious, but is more or less true. If dating is a race, then I believe that nice guys don’t finish last. Instead, nice guys get their kneecaps broken in the locker room by the head cheerleader before the race even starts. Colorful, no? I may have fully believed that saying when I came up with it, but I’m not sure how much I do now, but it’s still funny to say, if only to get people to question your sanity.

Several months ago my singles ward had a guest speaker come and talk to us about dating. (I think the Bishopric was trying to tell us something.) She handed out a list of the 20 things men don’t know about women and the 20 things women don’t know about men. Number 3 on the former list was “Women are turned off by men who are too nice.” The speaker elaborated on this by saying that men who are too nice are seen as weak, which is unattractive to women. Now, I’m sure that this statement isn’t true for every woman out there, but I’m also sure that the speaker wouldn’t have included it on the list without some sort of facts to back it up.

If you ask anyone who knows me decently well, they’ll tell you that I’m too nice. I’ve even had people tell me that me being too nice is going to be my ultimate downfall and will probably kill me eventually. I asked them how they figured I would die from it and they pointed out the fact that I care more about everybody else and their well being than I do for myself. I couldn’t argue with them, so I seceded from the argument.

So, what does a guy like me do to change something like that? I really don’t have it in me to be a mean person. I think I missed that firmware update. So what do I do? I’m sure there must be a way for me to continue being nice without seeming like a doormat to everybody and their dog. I’d like to be able to find a girl that is going to appreciate the fact that I’m a nice guy who actually cares about her feelings, her happiness and her well being. After reading that last sentence, I had to laugh, mostly at the world. Why would it be such a turn off to a girl to date a guy who cared about her that much? Has the world changed so much that kindness and affection are scoffed at while discourtesy and disrespect are lauded as admirable traits in a companion? Again, sometimes I feel like the world is a crazy, mixed up, backwards place.

What does everybody else think though? Girls; am I way off base in thinking that there’s no room left in the world for a genuinely nice guy? Have any of you dated a guy that was ‘too nice’? What exactly did they do to earn the label of ‘too nice’ and why was that a turn off? Guys; have you had any of the same struggles in dating? If you’ve been labeled as ‘too nice’, do you see yourself changing your habits any time soon? Let me know in the comments.

I feel like I’ve targeted girls too much in this post, so my next one will be aimed more at the male population.

Single Happiness vs. Relationship Happiness

If there's one thing I've noticed about myself and this blog as I've posted in it over the last few years, it's that both myself and this blog have matured and changed as far as our views on dating. If you've been following me since the beginning, you'll remember that I basically started this blog because the girl I was dating had broken up with me and I needed a place to vent my feelings and rant about dating. Since then, this blog has become more of a place to share thougths and feelings about dating in a more... philosophical way. I have also matured as a person when it comes to dating. I say this because, just like when I started this blog, I have recently been broken up with. The girl I was dating was unlike any other girl I've dated. She was kind, caring, and genuine. Although she broke up with me, I harbor no ill feelings towards her. I know that she did what she felt she had to, and I can't really fault her for that. Just  3 years ago, if a girl that wonderful had broken up with me, it would have destroyed me, my happiness, and my faith in the female gender. Today, however, as much as the break up hurts, it has served to make me determined to find a girl even more wonderful than the last. I know that the girl I'm talking about knows about this blog and might be reading this. If this is the case, I would like to say a few words to her. I want her to know that she was the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time and that I will treasure the time we spent together, however brief it was, for the rest of my life. You inspired me and made me want to be a better person, and I can't express how thankful for that I am. I want you to be happy with your life from here on out. Keep being the amazing, wonderful girl I know you are and you'll do fine in this life. I think only of our time together with fondness and I hope you do the same.

That really felt good; much better than I ever felt after one of my rants. This could really be a huge step forward for me.

Anyway, during the time I was with this girl, I thought a lot on something I was told before I asked her out. I have always been told that you cannot be ready for a relationship until you are happy with being single. I think this is true, but only to a certain point. Before my last relationship, I was happy. I was decidedly single, and I had no problem with that. I was happy with where I was in life and what I was doing with it. I didn't think I could get much happier. Boy, was I wrong. As soon as I started into a relationship with this girl, I became infinitely happier. Life went from great to fantastic in just a few days. This got me to pondering just how true that advice I was given is. Yes, I think you have to be happy as a single person before you can get involved in a relationship, but I think it's more about being happy as a person than it is about being happy as a single person. Human beings crave companionship. It's hard wired into us to want to be around people who make us feel better about ourselves. Knowing this, I don't think any person is going to ever be as happy as a single person as they will when they are in a healthy relationship.

These are just my thoughts, of course. I may be totally off base. What do the rest of you think? To the single people: are you happy with where you are in life? Do you think you could be happier if you were in a relationship? To the people in a relationship: How much happier are you now that you have that companionship? Let me know in the comments.

I'm going to try to bring this blog back to what it's former glory, which means I will be posting in it a lot more frequently. Watch for updates!

I'm Fine Where I Am, Thank You

Alright, I'm LDS, single, and almost 24, so you can probably guess that the pressure for me to get married is coming in full bore. I'm getting the pushed towards matrimony by my parents, my bishopric, my friends, random strangers. Pretty much everyone. There's that saying in the LDS Church that says: "If you're 25 and unmarried, you're a menace to society". I know it was said by a prophet, but I don't think that makes it doctrine, no matter how much people wish it was.

The thing is; I'm happy being single. I'm enjoying life as a single adult, and I think I want to continue enjoying it for a while longer. Yes, I'd eventually like to get married and start a family, but I don't see why everyone wants me to rush into it. Marriage is a big decision, probably the biggest one I'm ever going to take, and I don't want to botch it up. When I get married, I want to be certain that I've made the right choice. No, I'm not saying that I'm waiting for "The One" to come into my life, you all know I don't believe in "The One". I'm just saying that I want to be sure that the person I'm marrying is going to be right for me.

I was almost engaged a little over a year ago. She broke things off before I actually proposed. I was sad at the time, but looking back on that relationship, it would have been a huge mistake for me to marry her. She was completely wrong for me in every sense of the word. My point is; I was totally enthralled by the idea of getting married that I started to ignore the blatant fact that the girl was not the type of girl I wanted to marry.

Anyway, I didn't want this to be a rant post, it's more just me musing. I've had several friends tell me recently that the pressure for them to get married is driving them insane. A few of them are starting to cave under the pressure. They're no longer dating to have fun, but are on the prowl for their special someone, which is a bad idea, in my mind. Both guys and gals can tell when you're scoping them out for marriage and it can make them feel uncomfortable to be around you, which you don't want. I'm a huge believer that you should be dating to have fun. When you're on a date just to have fun you act differently than when you're trying to hunt down a spouse. If you're just trying to have fun, you're obviously going to be more fun to be around. The date will probably end better and you'll probably have a better chance at getting Date #2. However, when you're only going on dates so that you can get married, the other person might get scared away. You're going to say things that you wouldn't normally say and do things that might come across as odd. All of this is because you're going to be putting that same pressure to get married that you're feeling onto the other person whether you realize it or not.

What do the rest of you think? Do I make a good point or am I totally off base? How many of you are dealing with pressure to get married and how are you dealing with it if you are? Who are you getting pressure from?

That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles

Break ups are one of the hardest things we're going to have to deal with as single people. After, or during, a break up, your emotions are running as high and hard as a river in Spring and a lot of the things you're feeling, you've never felt before and you just don't know how to handle them. If you've never been through a break up with anybody, consider yourself lucky. Nobody wants to have to deal with those feelings. I don't think that anything I write about on here today will make anybody's break up easier, but I'd like to talk about them anyway. And if you can think of anything I miss, feel free to tell me so in the comments.

Breaking up with someone isn't an easy process. most people don't just decide overnight that they're going to end things. Usually, they'll think about it over an extended period of time to make sure that it's the right decision for them and for the other person. They know that what they're thinking of doing is going to hurt the other person, and nobody really wants to intentionally do something to hurt someone else.

You hear a lot of people say that, when they break up with someone, they're going to try to let that someone down easy so there are no hurt feelings. Sadly, it hardly ever works out that way. When you break up with someone, you're basically telling them that you reject them, be it after a month with them or after 2 years with them, and there's no "easy" way to say that to someone. Feelings are going to be hurt and there will probably be tears involved, which is normal. I know a lot of people don't like to cry, but if that's what it takes to make you feel better, there's no reason not to.

So, if there's no easy way to break up with someone, how do the people you break up with feel better about it faster? Well, honestly, I find the best way to deal with a break up is to share. You have friends and family who care about you for a reason. Talk to them about what you're feeling, they'll listen to you. If they're really your friends, they'll help you through all the hard times in your life without expecting anything in return. Vent as much as you can about what you're going through, it's going to help you a lot. The more you talk about it, the easier it's going to be to deal with, which means you'll feel happier faster.

After a break up, you need to make sure that you focus on You for a while. It may sound selfish, but it's true. Fill your time with things that are going to make you happy. Surround yourself with people that are going to make you laugh. When you're happy and laughing, the little things like the break up are going to shrink into insignificance and before you know it, it won't be on your mind at all anymore.

So, there's my thoughts on break ups. I hope they were helpful for all my readers. Did I miss anything? If so, don't be afraid to let me know.

A Goal For No Love

Well, with December almost over and the new year almost upon us, I thought I’d try to get at least one post up for this month. So, I thought I’d tell you about my New Year’s resolution, seeing as it applies to dating.Yesterday, at my singles ward, in sacrament meeting, the speakers were talking about setting goals. There were four speakers and each one of them talked about different parts of the goal setting process. The first speaker spoke specifically about goals in dating. I’m sure they were talking about New Year’s resolutions, so I began to think of what I’d like to accomplish in the coming year as far as dating goes and I came up with something that I’d like to think is a pretty epic goal.

During the coming year, I’ve decided that I can’t fall in love with anyone. Not even once. If I fall in love with anyone, I lose. And I’m not talking about just having a crush on someone. No, I’m talking about myself and someone else falling in love with each other. Real love, not just like. Although, I’m probably going to try to avoid falling in like with anyone as well, simply because like will usually lead to love if you let it.

You’re probably wondering how I came up with this goal and why I decided to go with it. Well, it’s really pretty simple. In the past several years, falling in love with people has brought me nothing but sorrow, simply because the love I had for them was not reciprocated. Don’t get me wrong; love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, when it is returned to you. When it’s not, however, it can be a very soul-crushing feeling. I’ve been on the soul-crushing end more than not these past few years, so you can imagine how the thought of not falling in love with anyone would appeal to me. So, I decided to make that my goal for the year.

But, and I’m sure you’ve thought this already, how is that an epic goal? To most people, it isn’t, but if you think about it, it really is. Let me explain: If I succeed at my goal and don’t fall in love for a whole year, I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I followed through and accomplished a goal I set for myself. If, however, I fail at my goal and fall in love with someone (someone who loves me back) I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I love someone who loves me. It’s really a win-win situation. There is some bittersweetness to the goal. If I do fall in love and become happy for that reason, there’s always the chance that things will go sour between myself and the girl, which would lead to some major unhappiness, but I’m going to try to not think too much about that.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have goals set for the new year that have to do with dating? If so, what are they? Share them with us!

By the way, I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to stop dating, because I'm not.

Lies in Love

Alright, we’ve all told a lie at least once in our life, so don’t deny it. Most lies are told on purpose, but there are some lies that we tell that we don’t realize aren’t the truth. I’m going to talk about those types of lies today as they pertain to dating.Yes, many, many people will lie when it comes to dating, and I’m not just talking about when a teenager tells their parent’s that they love someone (when they really don’t) just so they can grind their parent’s gears. I’m talking about the unintentional lies that we tell others as well as ourselves.

There’s one particular dating lie I’d like to focus on and that’s the lie we tell when someone asks us what we look for in someone from the opposite sex. Girls, you will almost always say that you look for someone who is kind, caring, loving, supportive, sweet, funny, and who will treat you they way you deserve to be treated. But, for most girls, this is a big lie. If these traits were really something you looked for in a guy, there wouldn’t be as many guys matching that description that are single. Think about it; when a girl breaks up with a guy, how often do you hear her say that she broke up with him because he was too nice or too caring? It’s almost never. No sane girl will break up with a guy because he’s a wonderful person. Nearly 75% of the time the girl will break up with him because he is a rude, mean, uncouth, spiteful, vindictive, uncaring jerk. The other 25% of the time, it’s because the girl doesn’t really know what she wants in a guy or she has found someone else who they would rather be with.

Just so you gals don’t think I’m focusing on just you; guys, you do this too. Most guys will say that they want a girl who is smart, funny, and sexy and who accepts us for who we are. Other than sexy, most guys don’t really mean it when they say that, especially when it comes to the girl being smart. Usually, if a girl is smart, it means that she is smarter than the guy (usually by quite a bit), and while we guys find this to be a commendable trait, we also find it just a bit intimidating. That’s not to say that guys are going to look for a girl with the I.Q. of a bump on a log, nor does it mean that girls should dumb themselves down to make themselves more attractive to a guy. (Please, girls, don’t do that.) It just means that we have to be careful about the people we date. Girls; if you happen to be a bit smarter than a guy, don’t rub it in our faces. Guys; if a girl is smarter than you don’t let that ruin a good relationship. Well, I’ve gotten off on a bit of a tangent here. Let’s get back to the subject at hand.

Lies; they’re not good in any context, so why do we all tell them? Wouldn’t dating be much easier if we all just told the truth about what we look for? Girls; if you’re going to say that you want a wonderful, caring guy, then actually look for one. When you’ve found one, treat them the same way you expect them to treat you. You want him to treat you like you’re the best thing to ever walk the face of the earth? Then you should treat him likewise. Relationships are a two way street, you can’t treat a guy like dirt and still expect him to be nice to you. Guys; try focusing on traits in a girl other than sexiness. Yes, I know that physical attractiveness is essential in a relationship, but that shouldn’t be the only thing you look for. It’s nice in a relationship to have a girl that you can actually have an intelligent conversation with, and for that, you’re going to need to find someone who actually has more in their head than bits of fluff and the occasional tumbleweed. It can be intimidating when a girl is smarter than you, but try to look past that.

All in all, I think the world needs to be a little bit more honest, at least as far as dating is concerned. What does everyone else think? We had some good discussions in the last post, let’s try for that again.

What if...

Have you ever thought about how your life would be different if you didn't grow up in the religion you did? I never really have, but a good friend of mine asked me that exact question a while back and it got me thinking. What would my life be like if I wasn't LDS? Would I still have the same morals and values I have now? Would I smoke or drink? Would I be covered in tattoos and piercings? What religion would I be? What type of people would I date?

I honestly don't know. I'm pretty sure I can answer a few of these questions, such as the smoking one. Smoking is stupid no matter what religion you are. And I'm pretty sure I would not be covered in tattoos and piercings. (That's not to say that I wouldn't have one or two of each.) But as for dating? I'm really not sure. As it is, I don't just date LDS girls. In fact, my high school girlfriend was Catholic. I think that, even if I didn't grow up LDS, I would still try to date upstanding girls rather than trashy, skanky ones. There's just something really attractive about a girl who cares about who she is and what she stands for, LDS or not.

But, I do think it would be a little bit more... freeing to not have to limit myself to marrying only LDS girls. I can think of several non-LDS girls I've met that I would gladly date, but I don't simply because of the fact that we would not be able to get married in The Temple. And I'm not trying to say that I want to marry outside of the church, nor that I plan to. But, there are a lot more options for marriage when you broaden your dating horizons.

What do you all think? What would your life be like if you weren't LDS? (Or if you weren't the religion you are?) What would you do differently with your life?

Well, That's Where It All Falls Down, Isn't It?

*WARNING* I’m going to say some things in today’s post that I know a lot of people are going to disagree with and are going to be angry about. Don’t stone me if you don’t agree, because you were warned.

I happened to stumble across Don Osmond’s blog on mormontimes.com and decided to read it. He, like me, tends to talk about dating in the LDS church a lot. In the post I was reading, he was talking about how he feels about dating people of other faiths and whether it’s right to do something like that. He refers to the process known as “flirt to convert” which is where a young man or woman will be interested in someone of another faith and will try to convert them so that they can marry in the temple. It’s a process that happens more often than most people think.

I honestly don’t think that it’s a good idea. If a man or woman only becomes LDS so they can marry you, there’s something missing there. They should want to convert to being LDS because they believe the religion is right, not just so they can get married. But, what do you do if the guy/gal you’re interested in is not of your faith and has made it clear that they don’t plan to be? Should you just put them out of your mind and focus your attention on someone else who believes the same things you do? (This is where I’m going to start saying things that will make you angry.)

Church leaders will say yes to my question. You shouldn’t try to date someone of another faith if they’ve made it clear that they’re not going to convert to being LDS. You’re supposed to get married and sealed in the temple and spend the rest of your life going to church each week with that special LDS guy/gal. But, I disagree. If you find yourself liking (or loving) someone who isn’t LDS and you really, truly feel that you could spend the rest of your life with that person, then do it. If you love someone, and I mean REALLY love someone, you can’t very well just stop loving them because they aren’t of your faith. It’s impossible to completely stop loving someone once you have feelings of real, deep love for them, and if you say you’ve done it, you’re lying. Deep down inside you, there are still feelings for that person and they will nag at you for the rest of your life.

So, how do you work out the marriage situation with someone who doesn’t believe what you believe? Where will you get married? How will you raise your children? There are lots of people who marry people of other religions and things work out. Either one person will convert to the other’s religion, or one will not be that strong in their religion and won’t care that their children go to a different church. Those are just a couple of examples, but you get what I’m saying. The point is; if you really love someone and they really love you back, there shouldn’t be anything on this earth that should deter you from being with each other.

There’s a quote that I feel should be in this post. It’s from the movie “The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (the 2005 version). It’s said by Slartibartfast. He’s talking to Arthur Dent when he says: “I’d much rather be happy than right any day.” It’s a great little quote that can be applied to almost anything. When it comes to marriage, I’d much rather be happy with who I chose to marry. I think most people would. And if you marry someone you really, really love, your chances of being happy are much, much greater.

Again, if you don’t like what I’ve said, let me know in the comments. You probably won’t change my mind, but let me know all the same. Also, let me know if you do agree with me.

House Cleaning

Have you ever seen the movie “Hitch”? If you haven’t, I highly recommend going out and renting it. It’s one of my favorite romantic comedies, and also the source of the subject I’d like to talk about today. In the movie the main character (played by Will Smith) is a dating consultant. He helps guys win over the hearts of the girls they are in love with. There is one line that Will says that really stands out to me. When he introduces himself to his clients he always starts by saying: “Basic principles – No matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.” This is the line I’d like to talk about today.

Is it true? Does any guy in the world have a chance to be with any girl in the world? I’m sure that if the guy really, really tries to get the girl, he could be with any girl he chooses. But, can he do it without lying? Despite how much I like the movie, it seems that Will’s character helps his clients win over women by coaching them on how to lie properly. I’m not talking about big lies, but rather the little things. He has them dress and act differently than is normal for them, he teaches them to say things they would never normally say, and has them do things that are not normal. Basically, he teaches them to be someone that they are not, which is where I begin to have a problem with the concept. When a girl falls for you because you are acting like something that you’re not, there’s going to be problems with the relationship later on. She’s eventually going to find out what you’re really like and then one of two things will happen. Either she will still love you and will continue to love you for whom you really are, or she will be infuriated that you lied to her and will leave you. It’s my opinion that the latter will happen more often than not. Nobody likes to be lied to, especially girls. It makes them feel betrayed.

So, how can any guy win over any girl without lying? Is it even possible? I know that there are lots of us in the world that would like to believe that it is, but there must be certain points where it’s just not. How do we know when we’ve reached that point, though? Is there going to be something that the girl says or does that will clue us in to whether we’ve missed the chance to sweep them off their feet? What if, when we attempt to sweep, it turns out that we’ve used the wrong broom? Do we then need to break out a vacuum instead? When I really look at the quote in question, I notice that there are certain… restrictions implicit in it. Notice that it says “…has a chance” not “…has several chances”. That implies that we have one, and only one, chance to sweep the girl up. So, what do we do if we blow that chance? Would you even know if you already have? You may think that you’re just barely attempting to sweep up a certain girl, but she may have already decided that you’ve failed because of something that you did (or didn’t do) in the past. Time travel hasn’t been invented yet, so there’s no real way to go back and change whatever it is that has colored her opinion of you. But, are there ways to change the color of that opinion to a more pleasing hue? If there is, it’s probably an uphill battle and will take some time and patience, but if you really like the girl, it’ll probably be worth it.

This, I guess, is what it all really boils down to. If you really like a girl, you should be willing to do whatever it takes to win her heart, as long as you remain truthful with her. And girls, you should be willing to like a guy for who he is. Don’t force us to pretend to be something we’re not just to get your attention. That’s not fair to us. What does everyone else think about this? Comments, please.

Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say

So, over the past few days I had a sudden realization. It has to do with girls and the things they say without realizing the implications in what they’re saying.

First off, let me just ask this: Why can’t girls ever just say what is on their mind? They always seem to feel the need to speak cryptically so that nobody really understands the point they’re trying to get across. It kind of ties back to what I said a while ago about dating in high school: Simply asking someone out is never enough. It always has to be some big ordeal. Girls continue that after high school only, instead of just applying it to dating, they apply it to everything they do and say. A girl can never just tell you “No, I’m not interested in you that way.” They will try to give you subtle hints (spoken or unspoken) that we guys are supposed to pick up on and piece together, which can take weeks. (Months, perhaps?) It would make life so much easier, albeit more painful sometimes, if a girl could just speak her mind. Yes, hearing the truth put so bluntly might be hard to take, but it will be easier to get over the girl that way. When you lead us around by the nose forever trying to tell us you don’t like us without actually telling us, it makes it so much harder to get over you. I’ve seen it dozens of times in my friends and in personal experience.

Anyway, that’s not what I really wanted to talk to you about today. Well, it sort of is, but not really. I was letting my mind wander a few nights ago and came up with one phrase that many girls say that really cheeses me off. That phrase is: “You’re such a great guy, Bob*. One day you’re going to make some girl really happy.” There are several variations on this phrase. They might say: “You’re such a great guy, Bob*. Girls just need to realize that.” Now, this may seem like a harmless platitude, but there’s a world of meaning behind it. When a girl says “One day you’re going to make some girl really happy” what they’re really saying is “I don’t like you, but maybe you’ll find someone eventually… someone other than me… maybe.” When they say “girls just need to realize that” they’re really saying “You’re a great friend to me, but I don’t think I could ever see myself dating you. Try someone else”. Do you see what I mean about the deeper meaning behind what they’re saying? These phrases are harsh and cut through a guy like a chainsaw through butter, although the girl will not usually realize it.

So, what does everyone else think? Am I wrong, or am I spot on?

*Note: The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This Is Cursed! That Is Cursed!

Today I’d like to kind of go off on a different tangent. It will still apply to dating, but more to me personally. It’s not going to be a rant, but it is something I have issues with. And it’s probably something that I can’t actually do anything about.

For quite some time now, I’ve wondered why I have such terrible luck with girls. I just can’t seem to make a relationship work out to its fullest extent. This is not to say that I immediately fail at all my relationships, quite the contrary. I’ve had a couple of relationships that lasted for well over a year. But, they always seem to just end, and I have no idea why. And it’s not just long term relationships that I have troubles with. It’s all of them. I can’t seem to succeed when it comes to the wide world of dating. I could be on a first date with a girl, and she’ll be telling me how we would never work out. As she’s telling me this, all I can think of is: “How do you know that? We’ve only just met ten minutes ago! How can you be so sure that we’ll not work?” And it hasn’t happened just once. It’s happened many, many times. For the longest time I figured that there must be something about my appearance or demeanor that girls can see that tells them that the two of us wouldn’t work out. Maybe I have a big label on my forehead that says “Scalawag” or “No-good-nik” that is stamped in ink that only a female eye can see. (I can’t believe I just used the words scalawag and no-good-nik.) It really does baffle me that so many gals can all agree that I’m not dateable. But, it all makes sense now, thanks to my friend linking this with a story of mine from a past job.

Several years ago I worked at Target. I was hired right around the beginning of October to work in the electronics department, which meant that I was also expected to work in the seasonal area. During my first week of work, while I was still being trained, an older Romanian couple approached me (yes, I know they were Romanian because of the accent they had) and asked me if we had any more of a certain item in stock. The item was one of those fiber optic figurines that have little pinpoints of light that change color. This one was of a pumpkin with a scarecrow hat. I checked the inventory in the stockroom, but couldn’t find any more of the pumpkin. The wife asked if we had any at our other stores. I checked and, no, we didn’t have any of them anywhere. When I told her this, the old woman became angry. She raised her hand, pointed a crooked finger at me, and began speaking harshly in Romanian. When she finished, she brought her hand down quickly and spat to her side. Then she and her husband left.

That’s right; this little old lady put a curse on me over a light up figurine. Ever since then, I’ve been worried that I’m going to mysteriously drop dead for no reason. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I was enlightened by my friend. There were several of us sitting around sharing stories about work and such. I told the story I’ve just told you. One of my friends pointed out that the old woman’s curse must be what’s causing my terrible luck with women. And it makes sense. I can just imagine it. A girl and I have been dating for a while and are getting serious. Then, the girl has a dream one night in which the old woman warns them that if they continue to date me, they will be cursed forever! So, the girl breaks up with me.

It may not be true, but it does help explain my horrendous luck. What do you all think?

Living With Loss

One of the integral parts of dating is breaking up. However unpleasant they might be, break ups are going to happen. Most of us will experience at least one break up in our dating career. I’ve only known one person who never had to deal with the nastiness of a break up. He married his first girlfriend. But the odds of that happening for everyone are rather slim. So, how do we deal with a break up in the healthiest way possible?

The best advice I can give is to not dwell on the feelings and thoughts you’ll have after a break up. If you allow those thoughts to control your actions, things could get pretty ugly. It’s natural for anyone to feel sad and depressed after a break up, the key is to not let those depressed feelings take control of you. Try to find things to fill your time. The more time you spend doing things, the less time you’re going to have to think about the break up. Also, try to be around people that are going to make you happy. Most, if not all, of us have at least one friend that can always make us laugh. Try to spend time with that person. Going along with that thought, try to not be alone. When we’re alone, we don’t talk much (hopefully) which leaves our mind free to think about anything and everything, and believe me, after a break up, your mind is going to want to think about the ended relationship, which we don’t want. Try to be around other people as much as possible.

I’m not saying that you should bottle up the sad feelings you’re going to have completely. That’s not healthy. If you don’t let those feelings out, they’re going to build up and eventually explode out of you. I’m just saying that you should let them out in such a way that you still have control over yourself. I know that most guys will disagree with this, but sometimes you just need to have a good healthy cry. It’s therapeutic. But don’t let it get out of control.

Another thing that can help is to talk to people about your feelings. Talking will help you get your feelings out in the open, which will help us get past them. This is where being around friends and family will come in handy. Family will always try to help you through your problems, and if your friends are true friends, they will too.

So, what do all of you think? What have you done to help get yourself through a break up? Leave a comment and let me know.

Avoiding Awkwardness

With LDS dating, where do you usually meet the people you date? For most of us it’s either at school or at our ward. Dating people from your ward can be a good thing, and at the same time, it can be a bad thing. The good points would include being able to go to church meetings and ward activities with them. Plus, you’ll probably know them before you start dating them. It’s actually pretty nice.

But, as I said, there are some bad points to dating a wardie. What happens if the relationship with this person goes sour and you break up? You can always try the “let’s be friends” route, but that’s not always the healthiest for recently broken up people. When you break up with someone, it tends to make things awkward when you’re around that person. It’s generally easy to avoid those kinds of confrontations when you’re not a church or activities, but what do you do when both of you are still going to all the same meetings? How do you avoid those awkward encounters with each other? You could always try going to a different ward, but if you’re like me and you like your ward, that’s not going to really seem like an appealing option.

Then there’s the problem with all the other people in the ward asking you all those probing questions. “How are you and so-and-so?” “I haven’t seen you with each other for a while, what happened?” You’ll have to tell them that the relationship is over and no matter how you do it, people are going to do 1 of 2 things: They’ll either feel sorry for you, or feel sorry for the other person. Which one they feel sorry for will most likely depend on who did the breaking up. Either way, things are going to just be even more awkward for you at church. Every week, people will ask you “How are you holding up?” or something similar to it. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate people’s concern for me, but it’s hard to let someone who was important in your life go when people keep bringing them up around you.

Once again, I’d really like some input from any of you who read this. Leave me a comment telling me how you’ve handled ward relationships and break ups.

LDS Dating Faux-Pas

Dating non-members is a touchy subject for a lot of LDS people, single or not. I know that most, if not all, single LDS people want to get married in the temple, and we should all know that someone who is not LDS will not be able to go to the temple with you. The time may or may not come when you ask someone on a date or be asked out by someone who is not of our faith. So, what do you do with that situation?

I know from personal experience that there are plenty of people out there who are not LDS, but are still wonderful people who can be tons of fun to be with on a date. But if you can’t marry this person in the long run, does that automatically mean that you can’t go on a date with them? Or do you look past that difference and just have a good time with them?

In my last post, I talked about soul mates and how you can make them to be whoever you want. Let me put a scenario past you and you tell me what you think. You meet a girl at, oh, let’s say the store. You talk with her for a while (never mentioning religion) and you find out that the two of you have quite a bit in common, so you exchange numbers with each other. You call her a day or so later to ask her on a date, she says yes, and you get together that Saturday and have a wonderful time with each other. The two of you go on several more dates together, each time having more fun than the last. The two of you grow very close over the course of a month or so. (We’re going to pretend that you still haven’t brought up the subject of religion.) By this point, the two of you have expressed love for each other and have kissed once or twice. But then, while out on a date together, the subject of religion is broached and you find out that this wonderful girl who you’ve grown so fond of is Catholic while you are LDS. What do you do? Do you immediately break things off with her due to your differing religions? Or do you stay with her? What would your thought process be at this point? You’d probably realize that you couldn’t get married in the temple. There’s always the possibility that she’d be willing to convert to Mormonism, but for this scenario, let’s pretend she’s strong in her beliefs and wants to stay that way. If you really love each other, what would happen? Would you be so staunch in your beliefs that you’d be willing to sacrifice your love for your religion? Could there be any kind of compromise between the two of you? If you did end up getting married, how would you raise your children, Catholic or LDS? There are so many questions that would crop up, it might drive you crazy.

I’m not trying to infer that I know the answer to these questions. I really don’t, and I’d like to know all of your thoughts on this subject. Have any of you been in a relationship with someone who wasn’t LDS? Please, share your thoughts in the comments.

Make Or Break Because Of Music?

After talking with a friend about my last post, I’d like to take the question that I posed last Friday about music even further. I’ve already talked about what might happen when you’re in a relationship and the girl doesn’t like the music you listen to. But my question for you today is: How do you get into a relationship with a girl when you don’t agree on something as simple as the music each other listens to? Usually, at least, in my opinion, you date people who have similar interests as you. Now, I know from experience that this is not always the norm. Some people can overlook the little differences that each other has and can make a relationship work with that person.

But what if, before you’re even in a relationship with someone, something as simple as music is already a problem? Do you automatically mark that person as someone who you could never seriously date? Or do you try to work out the problem? I would hope that, if you really like the girl you’re dating and really want to try a serious relationship with them, you’d try to work out the problem. Come to some kind of a compromise that would make both of you happy.

I guess my real problem with this (and the reason I’ve written two posts about it) is that, in my experience, most girls are not willing to compromise with a guy. Either the guy has to start listening to music that the girl approves of, or the girl is gone. But, isn’t that just a little bit controlling? I’m not saying that the girl has to start listening to music they don’t like, but can’t they just let us guys be ourselves and listen to music that we do like?

And just so everyone knows, music isn’t the only thing this can apply to. It could be anything: music, books, movies, etc.

So, what is everyone’s opinion on this? Am I blowing this way out of proportion? Or do I make a good point? Let me know.

The Music Of Love?

When it comes to music, I like to listen to music that I’m sure I wouldn’t feel comfortable playing around a nice, LDS girl if we were to go on a date. I like to listen to many different genres of music. I like heavy metal, techno, alternative and others that I’m not going to take the time to list. So, my question today is: When you’re in a relationship with a girl, and she doesn’t approve of the music you listen to, what do you do? Do you just stop listening to that kind of music all together? Or do you just not listen to it around the girl?

I’d hope that the girl wouldn’t want you to stop listening to the music because, honestly, the music I listen to is part of who I am and I’d really, really hope that the girl would like me despite what I choose to listen to. I know that language in music is a real sore spot for most LDS girls, which it should be, but if they were to just look past that at the rest of the song, I’m sure they’d like it. Yes, I remember that picture from The New Era of the cockroach in the ice cream, and I remember the message associated with it. But, sometimes you have to just eat around the cockroach and enjoy the rest of the meal.

Today, however, there are alternatives to eating around the cockroach. Most places that sell music now sell both the original, unedited version of the songs, as well as edited versions of the songs that cut out most, if not all, of the language. I usually try to buy the edited versions, but I’ll be the first to admit that my entire music library is not clean.

So, this brings me back to my original question? What do you do in a relationship when the girl doesn’t agree with what you’re listening to? How do those of you that are married or dating deal with the problem? Let me hear some of your feedback.

All Day Long

I’d like to pose another question to you today. How much is too much when it comes to a date? I know that in high school, when you were going to a dance, your day was pretty much full. You’d have a day activity that would take most of the morning and afternoon. Then, you’d have a couple of hours to get changed into your dance attire. Dinner would follow that and after that you’d finally head to the dance. After the dance some people would even go to someone’s house and watch a movie. All in all, it added up to many, many hours spent for one date.

So, now that I’m older and out of high school, what would happen if I were to take someone on a date like that? If we were to spend the whole day together, would the girl like that? Or would they grow tired of being with me by the third hour? Do girls get intimidated when a guy plans a day long activity for them? I know that I personally have planned dates that involved more than one activity and have lasted for several hours, but do girls like that? Or would y’all rather have short, simple dates? Or, does it depend on who the guy is that’s taking you on the date? I’m honestly asking in earnest here so if any of the girls that read this have input, I’d love to know it.

Persistence A Virtue?

Deal or no deal is my question for you today. If you ask a girl out (or a guy, for any female readers) and they say no, does that mean that you just give up on taking this person out? Do you automatically assume that there is no way that the girl will ever change her mind, or do you wait for a while and then ask again? They say that patience is a virtue, but is persistence? I personally would say that, if you really like this person, you should keep asking them. Look at rejection as a challenge, not a defeat. Who knows? The girl might be impressed by the fact that you don’t take no for an answer. Or, conversely, she might be annoyed. But you’ll never find out which, unless you try.

Now, you need to make sure that you don’t step over the line that divides persistence and stalking. Some people will get really annoyed and scared when someone won’t leave them alone. So, be persistent, but within reason. Don’t call the girl/guy every single day and ask them out or you might end up with a restraining order instead of a date, then it wouldn’t matter how persistent you were.

Anybody have any thoughts on how to be a persistent dater, but not a stalker?