More Thoughts...

Ever since I made the goal I mentioned in my last post, I've had the topic of love on my mind a lot. Not just concerning myself, but lots of other people in my life. Over the past few months I've seen people fall in and out of love with each other a lot and it's gotten me wondering how many of them actually loved the other (which I've pondered about on this blog a lot already). But it really is something that's on my mind a lot, so I'm going to ramble about it again today.

I look at some of my friends who are married now and I wonder how long it took each of them to know that the other person was the one for them. Did they know before they got married? Did they know right when they met? Did it take a few months of married life for them to know? Also, I wonder what it was that sparked that feeling in each of them. As far as my reltionships have gone, I can know that I like a girl right from the start, but it usually takes some time before I realize that I love them, and I've never really been sure what she does that causes the change in feelings. I don't really think that it could be just one thing, but rather a culmination of many things over a period of time. Who knows? For those of you who read this and have met "the one for you", how did you know that they were?

If you've been reading this blog for long enough, you'll remember that post where I shared my various thoughts on love. I've shown that post to several people since I wrote it and every one of them has said basically the same thing: "Oh, that is so true!" which, in my mind, it is. Love is not an easy thing to obtain. Love has to be sought for. It's not going to just fall into your lap. I see too many people nowadays that just want the perfect man/woman to seek them out and find them without any effort of their own, but it just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. If you want your perfect match in life, you're going to have to actually try to find them, and when you do, it's not going to be an easy, leisurely stroll after that. No, you're going to have to work at the relationship if you want it to succeed. Too many relationships fail because either one, or both, of the people involved think they can just sit back and let Fate work her magic. It's not until the relationship is over that they realize they should have actually done something to help Fate along.

I'm really sounding bitter, aren't I? I'm not trying to, honestly. These are just some of the thoughts that have been floating around my mind lately. Anyway, what do the rest of you think? Can you prove me wrong? Can love actually just fall straight into your lap? Let me know.

A Goal For No Love

Well, with December almost over and the new year almost upon us, I thought I’d try to get at least one post up for this month. So, I thought I’d tell you about my New Year’s resolution, seeing as it applies to dating.Yesterday, at my singles ward, in sacrament meeting, the speakers were talking about setting goals. There were four speakers and each one of them talked about different parts of the goal setting process. The first speaker spoke specifically about goals in dating. I’m sure they were talking about New Year’s resolutions, so I began to think of what I’d like to accomplish in the coming year as far as dating goes and I came up with something that I’d like to think is a pretty epic goal.

During the coming year, I’ve decided that I can’t fall in love with anyone. Not even once. If I fall in love with anyone, I lose. And I’m not talking about just having a crush on someone. No, I’m talking about myself and someone else falling in love with each other. Real love, not just like. Although, I’m probably going to try to avoid falling in like with anyone as well, simply because like will usually lead to love if you let it.

You’re probably wondering how I came up with this goal and why I decided to go with it. Well, it’s really pretty simple. In the past several years, falling in love with people has brought me nothing but sorrow, simply because the love I had for them was not reciprocated. Don’t get me wrong; love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, when it is returned to you. When it’s not, however, it can be a very soul-crushing feeling. I’ve been on the soul-crushing end more than not these past few years, so you can imagine how the thought of not falling in love with anyone would appeal to me. So, I decided to make that my goal for the year.

But, and I’m sure you’ve thought this already, how is that an epic goal? To most people, it isn’t, but if you think about it, it really is. Let me explain: If I succeed at my goal and don’t fall in love for a whole year, I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I followed through and accomplished a goal I set for myself. If, however, I fail at my goal and fall in love with someone (someone who loves me back) I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I love someone who loves me. It’s really a win-win situation. There is some bittersweetness to the goal. If I do fall in love and become happy for that reason, there’s always the chance that things will go sour between myself and the girl, which would lead to some major unhappiness, but I’m going to try to not think too much about that.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have goals set for the new year that have to do with dating? If so, what are they? Share them with us!

By the way, I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to stop dating, because I'm not.

Bomb Dates

Okay, I'm sure I've told you plenty of thoughts and ideas I've had for dates, some of them were probably good, some not so good. But, have any of you ever been on a date that just tanked? I'm not talking about a date where you felt awkward around the other person. No, I'm talking about a date that will go down in your personal history as a terrible, no good date; a date that followed all the laws of Murphy. (Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.)

I've had a couple that I can think of. I won't share the gritty details of them, but I'll just say this: I still use the stories of those dates to scare small children into never wanting to date. I mean, they were some of the worst experiences of my social life. I'm not saying that the person I was with was a terrible person or anything like that, but it just seemed that we didn't really "click" and probably never would, but we were stuck with each other for at least a few hours, although it seemed like much longer to me.

I think I actually will share one of my bad dating experiences with you. One date in particular stands out to me. It was actually the first date I ever went on, ironically. It was my junior year of high school and I had been asked to the Christmas dance by a very good friend or mine. It seemed that it would be a great way to start dating. But, alas, such was not to be. Everything seemed to crash on this date. During the day activity I think I only saw my date once, as she seemed to want to hang out and talk to anyone but me. Dinner was really the only part of the date that seemed to go well, although my date once again seemed more interested in the other people at the table. As for the actual dance? Well, my date and I slow danced for about 25 seconds of one song, then she decided that she'd much rather drag me around the room and talk to her friends. I think I said maybe one complete sentence to my date the whole time we were there. Needless to say, it wasn't the grand entrance into the dating scene that I'd hoped for.

I could go on with other horror stories from my dating life, but I think I'd much rather hear from the rest of you. Have you been on a particularly terrible date? What made it so bad? Was it the person you were with? The activity? The doorstep scene? Share your stories with us.

I'm No Professional

First off, I’d like to apologize for my absence. I’ve been really trying to think of things to write about, but where this is a dating blog, and I haven’t really been doing much dating, I’ve been hard up for things to write about. But, I’ll really try to be better at regular posting again.

Okay, I know that I’m nowhere near qualified to give advice on dating, especially where I have so much trouble with it myself, but I thought I might give some advice to those of you who are dealing with heartbreak at this time. Break ups are hard for everyone, and they are also going to feel different for each person in each relationship. When two people break up, one person is usually going to feel much worse than the other person. Although, hopefully, the person who did the breaking up is sad as well, because if you break someone’s heart and don’t feel any kind of remorse, that’s just terrible.

Possibly the best advice I can give to anyone going through a breakup is this: don’t keep the sadness and hurt that you’re undoubtedly feeling bottled up inside you. Let things out, vent to your friends and family, write about it in a blog or journal. You’re supposed to feel sad and hurt, so let people know that’s how you’re feeling. If they are really your friends, they’ll listen and feel sad for you. If you keep feelings of any kind, but especially sadness, bottled up inside you, they are going to become harder and harder to deal with when they finally do surface. Feelings are a lot like money in that sense, but instead of saving them, you need to spend them as fast as you can, or else they’ll grow bigger and more difficult to handle.

I would also like to say that, after the breakup has happened, it’s probably not your best idea to immediately start back into the dating world. You’re going to have feelings to deal with that could mess up any relationship that might come your way, be it small or large. When you’ve been through a breakup, you’re going to feel alone and vulnerable and will begin to reach out to anyone who you think can fill the void that has been created in your world. The biggest problem with this is that you’re going to try to get right back to where you were in your last relationship, but with a new person, and that’s not a good thing. As hard as it will be, you will want to take your time with dating. It’s normal for people to jump straight into what is called a “rebound relationship”. Rebound relationships are usually started and ended fast and will leave you feeling emptier than you did before. Just remember to pace yourself when you finally do decide to start dating again. Go on dates, but try to avoid getting too serious too fast.

I know that, this being an LDS dating blog, the church leaders look down on “hanging out” over dating, but when you’re just barely back into the dating scene, sometimes hanging out is better for you. You’re going to meet more people that you might like to ask out when you’re with a group of people than you will when you’re on a one-on-one date. If you happen to go to a singles ward, try to go to the ward activities. Those are great ways to meet other people you might be interested in. I know that most singles wards do a ward Family Home Evening every week, and I highly recommend going to it. Other than getting a spiritual uplift, you’re going to have a chance to mingle with other people your age who have the same values as you do, which is nice.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have advice for people who are going through a hard breakup? Let’s try to get another discussion going in the comments. Help each other out.

I'm A Man Of Many Blogs

Alright, I'll make this quick. I have another blog up! I know, I know, what do I need with another blog? Well, to be honest, this new blog has actually been around for a while, it's just been stagnating for over a year. The new blog is: Chair Digest. The blog was originally going to be an online magazine about chairs, but I've decided to make it my everything else blog. So, if you like the kind of stuff I write about on here, check out Chair Digest.

I Hate Waiting

Okay, I know I’ve talked a lot about missionaries on this blog, but I’m going to do it one more time, so bear with me.

Let’s start off by presenting a scenario. This is going to be like a “choose your own adventure” novel, but I’m going to be choosing all of the endings. We’ll start off by putting a guy and a girl together. They’ve just graduated from high school and have been dating since the middle of their Junior year. They’re madly in love with one another and want to get married, but first, the guy has a mission to serve. Now comes the part where I’m going to give choices. Choice number one: The guy can ask the girl to wait for him so they can get married when he gets home. Choice number two: The guy can tell the girl not to wait for him and to live her life as she normally would and if she’s still available when he gets home, they can see what happens. Choice number three: The guy can invite the girl to do the Macarena with him every Saturday until he leaves then he must go back and choose between #1 and #2.

Let’s say that the guy chooses #3 and then #1; he asks the girl to wait for two years while he serves the Lord. Basically, the guy is asking the girl to put her life on hold for two years in the hopes that they will still love each other when he gets home. Yes, it’s a noble thing to do and, yes, it’s a sure sign that you love each other if she agrees, but it’s also an incredibly selfish thing to ask another person. In my opinion it doesn’t matter how in love you are with another person, there is no guarantee that you will feel the same way about them after not seeing them for two years, and vice versa. There are going to be so many things changing in both of your lives during those two years that when you see each other again, you are going to be two completely different people. Your feelings could still be the same for each other… at first, but after being together for the first couple of weeks back, you might find that the person you waited 730 days for is not the same person you remember and that you’re no longer sure how you feel about them. When a guy asks a girl to wait, he is denying her many, many opportunities to live while he is gone. Yes, you may be in love when he left, but when you put your life on hold for that long, you pass up all those chances to meet new people, particularly of the opposite gender. I’m not talking about the casual meetings of new people, but really meeting them. Because, let’s be serious, when you’re waiting for somebody, you’re not really yourself when you meet a new person. You don’t allow yourself free with them to see if there could possibly be a connection between the two of you, do you? No, you keep your true self bottled up inside where it can’t possibly do anything to ruin what you have with your missionary. It sounds sad, and it is, but it happens so much more often than most people will admit.

Okay, so, that didn’t work, but, luckily, we kept our finger on the page where we made the choice and we go back and decide to try the other option. The guy selects choice #3 followed by #2; he tells the girl not to wait for him and to live her life. If she is still available and interested when he gets home, they can try picking things up where they left off. First off, this is going to make the girl feel much better about the whole situation. She’s going to feel less like a possession that they guy boxes away next to his guitar and his Playstation while he’s gone, which is going to make her happier. She’ll be allowed to be her normal self around the people she meets and will likely make more friends than she would if she were waiting, which is also going to make her happy. The only catch to this choice is that the guy must really be prepared for her to move on from him. If he’s not, things are going to crash and burn, much like the Hindenburg, and it’s likely to reflect in his mission, and we don’t want that.

Yes, I know that there are occasions where the guy will ask the girl to wait, and she does, and things work out just fine for both of them. He gets home; they get married, and have a wonderful rest of their life. But, I haven’t seen that happen nearly as much as I have seen the alternative. Usually, if the girl agrees to wait, she will… for a while. But, eventually, she will start to distance herself from her missionary and will start to meet new people, which will usually lead to her falling in love with someone else and sending that dreaded “Dear John…” letter to her missionary. It’s a classic story. However, I’ve seen more relationships survive the mission when the guy doesn’t ask the girl to wait. I’m not sure why, but it just seems to work out that way.

This is just the opinion of a non-missionary. Have any of you been on one end or the other of the mission relationship? Did you wait or ask someone to wait? How did it work out for you in the end? Share with us. And to everyone else; what are your thoughts on waiting for a missionary? Do you think it’s the right thing to do? Or are you opposed to it? Again, share your thoughts with us.

Beauty: Soul

So, we’ve covered beauty in both the body and the mind, so what’s left? Soul. When you say someone has a beautiful soul, what exactly do you mean? For me, it means their emotions, their ability to love, are so great that it makes them much more beautiful than what most people see on the surface. There are many ways that a girl can show me that she has a beautiful soul. Is she kind to other people? Does she openly show love for others in both the things she says and the things she does? If we’re dating, does she genuinely seem to care about me and my feelings? Does she only try to build up not only other people, but herself as well? If the answer is yes to these questions, then she indeed has a beautiful soul in my mind.

A beautiful soul is probably vastly outweighs any other kind of beauty, in my opinion. Yes, intelligence is wonderful, but without the ability to love, it’s useless. A beautiful body is also quite nice, but if, beneath that body, you’re soul is filled with hate and resentment, you’re probably not as beautiful as others might think.

Beauty of the soul is also the hardest to find in people. I’m not saying that it’s hard to find because it’s not there, but it’s hard to find because you can’t really see it in people until you really get to know them. You’ll have to spend quite a bit of time with a person before you can honestly say that you have found their inner beauty. And if they don’t really have any, you’ll probably want to cast your line back out into the dating pool and wait for someone who does. Trust me; you’re going to want someone who is capable of being kind, loving and caring.

Laughter is also another great way to tell if a person has a beautiful soul. There’s a reason they say that laughter is the language of the soul. If a person laughs at another person’s misfortune, they’re probably not that beautiful on the inside. However, when they laugh because something truly is funny to them, it’s a different type of laugh and you can really see the beauty inside them.

So, what are some of the things you notice about other people’s inner beauty that you find attractive? Share your thoughts with us.

Beauty Part 1: Body

Beauty Part 2: Mind

Beauty Part 3: Soul