A New Take On An Old Topic

Sometimes I feel like the world is a crazy, mixed up, backwards place. The ways things work have changed over the course of history. Instead of honest, brave men being elected President, we instead have smooth-talking, mendacious liars who wouldn’t understand the concept of a promise if it hit them repeatedly in the face running our country. Even in just the 25 years I’ve been alive, things have changed. As a child, I knew for a fact that girls liked boys who were nice to them and avoided the ones who were mean. It’s just the way it was. Today, however, the opposite seems to be true, which is what I’d like to talk about today.

There’s a very old saying that nice guys finish last. I don’t think I fully understood that saying until I was well into my dating career. I have my own version of that saying that may seem a bit facetious, but is more or less true. If dating is a race, then I believe that nice guys don’t finish last. Instead, nice guys get their kneecaps broken in the locker room by the head cheerleader before the race even starts. Colorful, no? I may have fully believed that saying when I came up with it, but I’m not sure how much I do now, but it’s still funny to say, if only to get people to question your sanity.

Several months ago my singles ward had a guest speaker come and talk to us about dating. (I think the Bishopric was trying to tell us something.) She handed out a list of the 20 things men don’t know about women and the 20 things women don’t know about men. Number 3 on the former list was “Women are turned off by men who are too nice.” The speaker elaborated on this by saying that men who are too nice are seen as weak, which is unattractive to women. Now, I’m sure that this statement isn’t true for every woman out there, but I’m also sure that the speaker wouldn’t have included it on the list without some sort of facts to back it up.

If you ask anyone who knows me decently well, they’ll tell you that I’m too nice. I’ve even had people tell me that me being too nice is going to be my ultimate downfall and will probably kill me eventually. I asked them how they figured I would die from it and they pointed out the fact that I care more about everybody else and their well being than I do for myself. I couldn’t argue with them, so I seceded from the argument.

So, what does a guy like me do to change something like that? I really don’t have it in me to be a mean person. I think I missed that firmware update. So what do I do? I’m sure there must be a way for me to continue being nice without seeming like a doormat to everybody and their dog. I’d like to be able to find a girl that is going to appreciate the fact that I’m a nice guy who actually cares about her feelings, her happiness and her well being. After reading that last sentence, I had to laugh, mostly at the world. Why would it be such a turn off to a girl to date a guy who cared about her that much? Has the world changed so much that kindness and affection are scoffed at while discourtesy and disrespect are lauded as admirable traits in a companion? Again, sometimes I feel like the world is a crazy, mixed up, backwards place.

What does everybody else think though? Girls; am I way off base in thinking that there’s no room left in the world for a genuinely nice guy? Have any of you dated a guy that was ‘too nice’? What exactly did they do to earn the label of ‘too nice’ and why was that a turn off? Guys; have you had any of the same struggles in dating? If you’ve been labeled as ‘too nice’, do you see yourself changing your habits any time soon? Let me know in the comments.

I feel like I’ve targeted girls too much in this post, so my next one will be aimed more at the male population.

Single Happiness vs. Relationship Happiness

If there's one thing I've noticed about myself and this blog as I've posted in it over the last few years, it's that both myself and this blog have matured and changed as far as our views on dating. If you've been following me since the beginning, you'll remember that I basically started this blog because the girl I was dating had broken up with me and I needed a place to vent my feelings and rant about dating. Since then, this blog has become more of a place to share thougths and feelings about dating in a more... philosophical way. I have also matured as a person when it comes to dating. I say this because, just like when I started this blog, I have recently been broken up with. The girl I was dating was unlike any other girl I've dated. She was kind, caring, and genuine. Although she broke up with me, I harbor no ill feelings towards her. I know that she did what she felt she had to, and I can't really fault her for that. Just  3 years ago, if a girl that wonderful had broken up with me, it would have destroyed me, my happiness, and my faith in the female gender. Today, however, as much as the break up hurts, it has served to make me determined to find a girl even more wonderful than the last. I know that the girl I'm talking about knows about this blog and might be reading this. If this is the case, I would like to say a few words to her. I want her to know that she was the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time and that I will treasure the time we spent together, however brief it was, for the rest of my life. You inspired me and made me want to be a better person, and I can't express how thankful for that I am. I want you to be happy with your life from here on out. Keep being the amazing, wonderful girl I know you are and you'll do fine in this life. I think only of our time together with fondness and I hope you do the same.

That really felt good; much better than I ever felt after one of my rants. This could really be a huge step forward for me.

Anyway, during the time I was with this girl, I thought a lot on something I was told before I asked her out. I have always been told that you cannot be ready for a relationship until you are happy with being single. I think this is true, but only to a certain point. Before my last relationship, I was happy. I was decidedly single, and I had no problem with that. I was happy with where I was in life and what I was doing with it. I didn't think I could get much happier. Boy, was I wrong. As soon as I started into a relationship with this girl, I became infinitely happier. Life went from great to fantastic in just a few days. This got me to pondering just how true that advice I was given is. Yes, I think you have to be happy as a single person before you can get involved in a relationship, but I think it's more about being happy as a person than it is about being happy as a single person. Human beings crave companionship. It's hard wired into us to want to be around people who make us feel better about ourselves. Knowing this, I don't think any person is going to ever be as happy as a single person as they will when they are in a healthy relationship.

These are just my thoughts, of course. I may be totally off base. What do the rest of you think? To the single people: are you happy with where you are in life? Do you think you could be happier if you were in a relationship? To the people in a relationship: How much happier are you now that you have that companionship? Let me know in the comments.

I'm going to try to bring this blog back to what it's former glory, which means I will be posting in it a lot more frequently. Watch for updates!

Love Is Not A Four Letter Word

Love seems to be a topic that my friends and I talk about quite a lot. We don't have deep discussions about it, but it does seem to come up in our conversations quite a bit, whether it be because someone is in a new relationship and we're asking about it, or because someone is freshly single and we're comforting them. Either way, the topic of love is going to come up when you and your friends are single and actively engaged in the dating scene. It makes me wonder why the word 'love' is such a tender topic for some people.

You all know my thoughts on love, so I'm not going to get into that today. Well, at least not as in depth and poetic as I have in the past. I'm going to try to speak plainly today.

Most of my friends are in a relationship of some kind right now. I look at them and their significant other and I wonder if the two of them know how the other one feels about them. If one of them loves the other, have they told them? If they have, how did the other person respond? Was the feeling reciprocated? Or did the other person not really feel that way quite yet?

That brings me back to the word 'love' being such a tender topic for people. Why is it such a bad thing for someone to tell someone else that they love them? If you feel that you love someone, you should tell them. Not doing so could end up haunting you for the rest of your life. You'll be left with a 'what if' and there's nothing more maddening than having an unanswered question looming over you like the sword of Damocles. Just remember, the word 'love' isn't meant to be bandied about and said to just anyone. If you're going to tell someone you love them, I really hope that you mean it. Those four letters could be a turning point in your relationship and if you don't really mean them when you say them, it's probably going to lead to someone getting hurt, which you don't want.

I guess that I can see why someone wouldn't want to break out the 'L' word in a relationship. (No, I don't mean 'lesbian' or 'lesbians'.) When you tell someone that you love them you're putting yourself out on the edge and hoping that you don't fall. You can't go any higher than telling someone you love them. I suppose you could say that you really love them, but it all means the same thing. Anyway, it can be a bit scary making a huge leap like that in a relationship, especially if you're the first one to say it.

There are people on both ends of the spectrum. There's the people that say 'I love you' early on in a relationship. Those are the people who I feel don't really mean it. I honestly don't think you can really love someone until you've been with them for a while, because you don't really know them that early on. You may really like that person, but it takes time to really love them. Then there's the people who wait to say it until they really feel it. They want to be sure of the feeling before they express it. They may know that they love someone early on, but they want to be sure that the feeling is right before they say it. In my opinion, those people are the smart ones. It's like I already said; when you say it and don't really mean it, someone is going to get hurt.

I guess I'll wrap this up now, although it doesn't feel like I really made a very definite point here. Oh well. I guess sometimes it's good to just ramble on about things. I'll leave you with a question or two: How many of you have told someone you loved them and meant it? How many of you have said it and not had it returned?

I'm Fine Where I Am, Thank You

Alright, I'm LDS, single, and almost 24, so you can probably guess that the pressure for me to get married is coming in full bore. I'm getting the pushed towards matrimony by my parents, my bishopric, my friends, random strangers. Pretty much everyone. There's that saying in the LDS Church that says: "If you're 25 and unmarried, you're a menace to society". I know it was said by a prophet, but I don't think that makes it doctrine, no matter how much people wish it was.

The thing is; I'm happy being single. I'm enjoying life as a single adult, and I think I want to continue enjoying it for a while longer. Yes, I'd eventually like to get married and start a family, but I don't see why everyone wants me to rush into it. Marriage is a big decision, probably the biggest one I'm ever going to take, and I don't want to botch it up. When I get married, I want to be certain that I've made the right choice. No, I'm not saying that I'm waiting for "The One" to come into my life, you all know I don't believe in "The One". I'm just saying that I want to be sure that the person I'm marrying is going to be right for me.

I was almost engaged a little over a year ago. She broke things off before I actually proposed. I was sad at the time, but looking back on that relationship, it would have been a huge mistake for me to marry her. She was completely wrong for me in every sense of the word. My point is; I was totally enthralled by the idea of getting married that I started to ignore the blatant fact that the girl was not the type of girl I wanted to marry.

Anyway, I didn't want this to be a rant post, it's more just me musing. I've had several friends tell me recently that the pressure for them to get married is driving them insane. A few of them are starting to cave under the pressure. They're no longer dating to have fun, but are on the prowl for their special someone, which is a bad idea, in my mind. Both guys and gals can tell when you're scoping them out for marriage and it can make them feel uncomfortable to be around you, which you don't want. I'm a huge believer that you should be dating to have fun. When you're on a date just to have fun you act differently than when you're trying to hunt down a spouse. If you're just trying to have fun, you're obviously going to be more fun to be around. The date will probably end better and you'll probably have a better chance at getting Date #2. However, when you're only going on dates so that you can get married, the other person might get scared away. You're going to say things that you wouldn't normally say and do things that might come across as odd. All of this is because you're going to be putting that same pressure to get married that you're feeling onto the other person whether you realize it or not.

What do the rest of you think? Do I make a good point or am I totally off base? How many of you are dealing with pressure to get married and how are you dealing with it if you are? Who are you getting pressure from?

That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles

Break ups are one of the hardest things we're going to have to deal with as single people. After, or during, a break up, your emotions are running as high and hard as a river in Spring and a lot of the things you're feeling, you've never felt before and you just don't know how to handle them. If you've never been through a break up with anybody, consider yourself lucky. Nobody wants to have to deal with those feelings. I don't think that anything I write about on here today will make anybody's break up easier, but I'd like to talk about them anyway. And if you can think of anything I miss, feel free to tell me so in the comments.

Breaking up with someone isn't an easy process. most people don't just decide overnight that they're going to end things. Usually, they'll think about it over an extended period of time to make sure that it's the right decision for them and for the other person. They know that what they're thinking of doing is going to hurt the other person, and nobody really wants to intentionally do something to hurt someone else.

You hear a lot of people say that, when they break up with someone, they're going to try to let that someone down easy so there are no hurt feelings. Sadly, it hardly ever works out that way. When you break up with someone, you're basically telling them that you reject them, be it after a month with them or after 2 years with them, and there's no "easy" way to say that to someone. Feelings are going to be hurt and there will probably be tears involved, which is normal. I know a lot of people don't like to cry, but if that's what it takes to make you feel better, there's no reason not to.

So, if there's no easy way to break up with someone, how do the people you break up with feel better about it faster? Well, honestly, I find the best way to deal with a break up is to share. You have friends and family who care about you for a reason. Talk to them about what you're feeling, they'll listen to you. If they're really your friends, they'll help you through all the hard times in your life without expecting anything in return. Vent as much as you can about what you're going through, it's going to help you a lot. The more you talk about it, the easier it's going to be to deal with, which means you'll feel happier faster.

After a break up, you need to make sure that you focus on You for a while. It may sound selfish, but it's true. Fill your time with things that are going to make you happy. Surround yourself with people that are going to make you laugh. When you're happy and laughing, the little things like the break up are going to shrink into insignificance and before you know it, it won't be on your mind at all anymore.

So, there's my thoughts on break ups. I hope they were helpful for all my readers. Did I miss anything? If so, don't be afraid to let me know.

More Thoughts...

Ever since I made the goal I mentioned in my last post, I've had the topic of love on my mind a lot. Not just concerning myself, but lots of other people in my life. Over the past few months I've seen people fall in and out of love with each other a lot and it's gotten me wondering how many of them actually loved the other (which I've pondered about on this blog a lot already). But it really is something that's on my mind a lot, so I'm going to ramble about it again today.

I look at some of my friends who are married now and I wonder how long it took each of them to know that the other person was the one for them. Did they know before they got married? Did they know right when they met? Did it take a few months of married life for them to know? Also, I wonder what it was that sparked that feeling in each of them. As far as my reltionships have gone, I can know that I like a girl right from the start, but it usually takes some time before I realize that I love them, and I've never really been sure what she does that causes the change in feelings. I don't really think that it could be just one thing, but rather a culmination of many things over a period of time. Who knows? For those of you who read this and have met "the one for you", how did you know that they were?

If you've been reading this blog for long enough, you'll remember that post where I shared my various thoughts on love. I've shown that post to several people since I wrote it and every one of them has said basically the same thing: "Oh, that is so true!" which, in my mind, it is. Love is not an easy thing to obtain. Love has to be sought for. It's not going to just fall into your lap. I see too many people nowadays that just want the perfect man/woman to seek them out and find them without any effort of their own, but it just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. If you want your perfect match in life, you're going to have to actually try to find them, and when you do, it's not going to be an easy, leisurely stroll after that. No, you're going to have to work at the relationship if you want it to succeed. Too many relationships fail because either one, or both, of the people involved think they can just sit back and let Fate work her magic. It's not until the relationship is over that they realize they should have actually done something to help Fate along.

I'm really sounding bitter, aren't I? I'm not trying to, honestly. These are just some of the thoughts that have been floating around my mind lately. Anyway, what do the rest of you think? Can you prove me wrong? Can love actually just fall straight into your lap? Let me know.

A Goal For No Love

Well, with December almost over and the new year almost upon us, I thought I’d try to get at least one post up for this month. So, I thought I’d tell you about my New Year’s resolution, seeing as it applies to dating.Yesterday, at my singles ward, in sacrament meeting, the speakers were talking about setting goals. There were four speakers and each one of them talked about different parts of the goal setting process. The first speaker spoke specifically about goals in dating. I’m sure they were talking about New Year’s resolutions, so I began to think of what I’d like to accomplish in the coming year as far as dating goes and I came up with something that I’d like to think is a pretty epic goal.

During the coming year, I’ve decided that I can’t fall in love with anyone. Not even once. If I fall in love with anyone, I lose. And I’m not talking about just having a crush on someone. No, I’m talking about myself and someone else falling in love with each other. Real love, not just like. Although, I’m probably going to try to avoid falling in like with anyone as well, simply because like will usually lead to love if you let it.

You’re probably wondering how I came up with this goal and why I decided to go with it. Well, it’s really pretty simple. In the past several years, falling in love with people has brought me nothing but sorrow, simply because the love I had for them was not reciprocated. Don’t get me wrong; love is one of the greatest feelings in the world, when it is returned to you. When it’s not, however, it can be a very soul-crushing feeling. I’ve been on the soul-crushing end more than not these past few years, so you can imagine how the thought of not falling in love with anyone would appeal to me. So, I decided to make that my goal for the year.

But, and I’m sure you’ve thought this already, how is that an epic goal? To most people, it isn’t, but if you think about it, it really is. Let me explain: If I succeed at my goal and don’t fall in love for a whole year, I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I followed through and accomplished a goal I set for myself. If, however, I fail at my goal and fall in love with someone (someone who loves me back) I’ll be happy for the simple fact that I love someone who loves me. It’s really a win-win situation. There is some bittersweetness to the goal. If I do fall in love and become happy for that reason, there’s always the chance that things will go sour between myself and the girl, which would lead to some major unhappiness, but I’m going to try to not think too much about that.

So, what about the rest of you? Do any of you have goals set for the new year that have to do with dating? If so, what are they? Share them with us!

By the way, I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to stop dating, because I'm not.