Love seems to be a topic that my friends and I talk about quite a lot. We don't have deep discussions about it, but it does seem to come up in our conversations quite a bit, whether it be because someone is in a new relationship and we're asking about it, or because someone is freshly single and we're comforting them. Either way, the topic of love is going to come up when you and your friends are single and actively engaged in the dating scene. It makes me wonder why the word 'love' is such a tender topic for some people.
You all know my thoughts on love, so I'm not going to get into that today. Well, at least not as in depth and poetic as I have in the past. I'm going to try to speak plainly today.
Most of my friends are in a relationship of some kind right now. I look at them and their significant other and I wonder if the two of them know how the other one feels about them. If one of them loves the other, have they told them? If they have, how did the other person respond? Was the feeling reciprocated? Or did the other person not really feel that way quite yet?
That brings me back to the word 'love' being such a tender topic for people. Why is it such a bad thing for someone to tell someone else that they love them? If you feel that you love someone, you should tell them. Not doing so could end up haunting you for the rest of your life. You'll be left with a 'what if' and there's nothing more maddening than having an unanswered question looming over you like the sword of Damocles. Just remember, the word 'love' isn't meant to be bandied about and said to just anyone. If you're going to tell someone you love them, I really hope that you mean it. Those four letters could be a turning point in your relationship and if you don't really mean them when you say them, it's probably going to lead to someone getting hurt, which you don't want.
I guess that I can see why someone wouldn't want to break out the 'L' word in a relationship. (No, I don't mean 'lesbian' or 'lesbians'.) When you tell someone that you love them you're putting yourself out on the edge and hoping that you don't fall. You can't go any higher than telling someone you love them. I suppose you could say that you really love them, but it all means the same thing. Anyway, it can be a bit scary making a huge leap like that in a relationship, especially if you're the first one to say it.
There are people on both ends of the spectrum. There's the people that say 'I love you' early on in a relationship. Those are the people who I feel don't really mean it. I honestly don't think you can really love someone until you've been with them for a while, because you don't really know them that early on. You may really like that person, but it takes time to really love them. Then there's the people who wait to say it until they really feel it. They want to be sure of the feeling before they express it. They may know that they love someone early on, but they want to be sure that the feeling is right before they say it. In my opinion, those people are the smart ones. It's like I already said; when you say it and don't really mean it, someone is going to get hurt.
I guess I'll wrap this up now, although it doesn't feel like I really made a very definite point here. Oh well. I guess sometimes it's good to just ramble on about things. I'll leave you with a question or two: How many of you have told someone you loved them and meant it? How many of you have said it and not had it returned?
For several months, D insisted he didn't want to use the L word because "it ruined his last relationship". When he finally did say it, I reciprocated... but he still felt like it was going to ruin our relationship, and because he felt that way I think it did.
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't answer your questions, but it's my two cents...
Too often the term is thrown around when all it means is I have very strong feelings of affection/attraction. Love means that you will wake up 5 times in the middle of the night, every night, even though you work in the morning, to feed/change diapers for her babies, not that you really, really, super totally like her.
ReplyDeleteTeagan, I'm sure that his feelings on the matter helped push your relationship in the direction it did. But, D was a D, so it's really not surprising.
ReplyDeleteMark, I couldn't agree more. That's why I made sure to say that, if you're going to say you love someone, you'd better really feel it. Some of my earlier posts go in depth with how I feel about how much the word 'love' is bandied about nowadays. You've hit it square on the head though.
I can't particularly say that I've actually ever told someone I was interested in romantically that I loved them per say, but I will say that I have used the term plenty of times by other means reffering to those I've felt that way about. Not one single time have I ever had those feelings returned, but I personally believe it has to do with the simple matter of the fact that in all of those cases I let it slip out of my hands before I ever did have the chance to tell them how I felt. I would love to believe myself to be one of the type that likes to wait until the time is right to use that word with someone, but I don't think any of my problems have had anything to do with that. I'm usually pretty good at being able to tell exactly how I feel about someone, sometimes even pretty fairly early. I think my problems in the past have always had to do with not handling those feelings very well at all. Wanting to jump right to the chase, getting straight to the point of it all before I've even yet to ask them out on a date, or having been on more dates with them for that matter. Simply put, really just a lack of patience on my part. A lack of patience for things to develop for them the way they have for me. Something I find to be one of the greatest strengths of mine about most things in life is self control, however I've also come to find that when it comes to my feelings for others, self control is one of my greatest struggles.
ReplyDeleteAs it applies to the subject matter, I think what I've come to find for myself is that as important as it is to let someone know how you feel about them, there is indeed such a thing as too much too fast. I think it kind of goes back to your last post about not dating to look for a future spouse. If you like someone enough or even think that you might love them, don't even hesitate, just ask them out! It's not as if you're declaring your undying love to them or anything, it's simply just saying you really like them and would like to hang out with them more often really. That way when you do know you have feelings for them you'll have spent enough time with them that not only will it be significantly less awkward when you express those feelings, you might even stand a chance at them returning those feelings for you as well.
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ReplyDeletei totally agree that when you are in a relationship with someone you should wait till youve been dating for awhile and really gotten to know each other before you say 'i love you'. like there was a guy i dated last fall and for a year before that we were just best friends. we got to know each other really well before we started dating. early on in dating we said 'i love you' and i really think we both meant it. our relationship didnt end up working out, but not because of the L word frequent usage. but i think we still love each other, and if its meant to be then itll work out. i forgot the point to my comment so im going to finish off my two cents now :) also, i also believe that if you have some really good friends that especially you've been friends for a long time that you are allowed to say 'i love you' but not in that way, just a friendly friend way. i like that because i have some friends that i really love. :)
ReplyDeleteBroEl: I like the way you tied the last post into this one. Saying 'I love you' is a big step, but so is just asking someone out. If you like the person, then don't waste any time in asking them out. You never know what you'll miss out on if you wait. I'm a big believer in that. And I think that everyone has had problems with showing affection at one time or another in their life. We just need to work through those problems.
ReplyDeleteMarlee, that sucks that things didn't work out with you and that guy. Break ups are never easy or fun. I hope that you were at least able to take something away from the relationship. I always feel that if you learned something about yourself from a relationship, it's not wasted. And I totally agree with you about the friends thing. It's not the same type of love that you have for someone you're dating, but there is definitely love between friends. I have several friends that I love.
Wow this has had a lot of feedback hahaha! I'll join in too. I've only told one person I love him. He's the only one that I was absolutely certain that I love. It actually took me a few months before I said anything because I did have to be absolutely certain, and I was scared of what his reaction would be. When I finally spoke up, he didn't return the "I love you." It really made me feel like an idiot for a while, but he assured me that I hadn't scared him off. So I simply wouldn't say it again until he did. He knew how I felt, and it was up to him to deal with the rest. It took almost a month before he said anything. But we are still together and completly happy and say "I love you" often and mean it each time.
ReplyDeleteLaurabelle: I have totally been in the position you were in! It isn't a happy place to be. You've put yourself out on a ledge when you say it and you're just hoping that the other person will return it. I'm glad to hear that he finally did return the feelings. That makes me happy for you. You probably did the right thing by not saying it again until he said it. That could have made things awkward if you had kept saying it and he didn't. But, I'm glad to hear that you've both said it now and that you both mean it when you say it.
ReplyDeleteI have had relationships where it has gone both ways.I told someone that I loved them and the relationship went on at it was great for a while. At the time i really ment it and I knew that he really ment it. But because after many months it went south really fast I figured it was because I had jumped into things to fast. I have also had a relationship go south because even though i had been feeling for quite a long time that I loved the guy I didn't want to say it. he broke up with me becuase he felt we weren't going anywhere. So now I am just confused and think the "L" word makes things really complicated.
ReplyDeleteI just happen to be passing by when I read your post. Nice post and keep up the good work!
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