Alright, I'm LDS, single, and almost 24, so you can probably guess that the pressure for me to get married is coming in full bore. I'm getting the pushed towards matrimony by my parents, my bishopric, my friends, random strangers. Pretty much everyone. There's that saying in the LDS Church that says: "If you're 25 and unmarried, you're a menace to society". I know it was said by a prophet, but I don't think that makes it doctrine, no matter how much people wish it was.
The thing is; I'm happy being single. I'm enjoying life as a single adult, and I think I want to continue enjoying it for a while longer. Yes, I'd eventually like to get married and start a family, but I don't see why everyone wants me to rush into it. Marriage is a big decision, probably the biggest one I'm ever going to take, and I don't want to botch it up. When I get married, I want to be certain that I've made the right choice. No, I'm not saying that I'm waiting for "The One" to come into my life, you all know I don't believe in "The One". I'm just saying that I want to be sure that the person I'm marrying is going to be right for me.
I was almost engaged a little over a year ago. She broke things off before I actually proposed. I was sad at the time, but looking back on that relationship, it would have been a huge mistake for me to marry her. She was completely wrong for me in every sense of the word. My point is; I was totally enthralled by the idea of getting married that I started to ignore the blatant fact that the girl was not the type of girl I wanted to marry.
Anyway, I didn't want this to be a rant post, it's more just me musing. I've had several friends tell me recently that the pressure for them to get married is driving them insane. A few of them are starting to cave under the pressure. They're no longer dating to have fun, but are on the prowl for their special someone, which is a bad idea, in my mind. Both guys and gals can tell when you're scoping them out for marriage and it can make them feel uncomfortable to be around you, which you don't want. I'm a huge believer that you should be dating to have fun. When you're on a date just to have fun you act differently than when you're trying to hunt down a spouse. If you're just trying to have fun, you're obviously going to be more fun to be around. The date will probably end better and you'll probably have a better chance at getting Date #2. However, when you're only going on dates so that you can get married, the other person might get scared away. You're going to say things that you wouldn't normally say and do things that might come across as odd. All of this is because you're going to be putting that same pressure to get married that you're feeling onto the other person whether you realize it or not.
What do the rest of you think? Do I make a good point or am I totally off base? How many of you are dealing with pressure to get married and how are you dealing with it if you are? Who are you getting pressure from?
I think the pressure is bad enough being almost 24 and still single, but try being almost 24 and never been in an official relationship before like me...... I've surprisingly enough never gotten any pressure from church leaders about it, but it seems as if my family and friends are always constantly on my back about it. As a matter of fact my conflictions with my circle of closest friends is over that very issue. Funny you mention that infamous LDS quote, because I hear that from them all the time (as a matter of fact, the very first time I heard it was from them) and they're always constantly reminding me "Nate, you seriously need a girlfriend...." Which I'll admit would be really nice, but sometimes from the pressure I get from them in that sense it's like they want me to get into a relationship with a girl I met yesterday and marry her tomorrow. Like, I'll go on one little date with a girl or just simply get along with her pretty well and all of a sudden they think she's the perfect one for me or something.
ReplyDeleteFact of the matter is admittedly after my most recent.... interesting.... string of heartbreaks I've found myself not being able to fall for anybody nearly as easily as I used to be able to. Which I think is naturally extraordinarily difficult to do after you've felt such strong feelings for someone you thought was just that special. But I think at the same time it's taught me an important lesson about how much you really should just relax, have fun, and not worry about it so much. I've probably been on at least almost as many dates in the past few months or so as I had in my entire life up to that point with that attitude in mind, and I have to say now that you've mentioned it I've definitely noticed the different mind set you mentioned, being on a date just to have fun rather than being on one to find a significant other. As a matter of fact if anything, they've been the ones with that awkward mindset more often than not, heh heh.
I think some of the most interesting things I've ever heard on the subject of being single at an age such as ours were told to me at one point by my circle of forum friends, who are not only non-members, but live thousands of miles away from anything that might even resemble the Utah Mormon culture. One of them told me that I'm not the kind of guy girls date, I'm the kind of guy girls marry. Which of course explains a lot about me (heh heh ^_^' ) but I think also assures me of one thing I don't need to worry about so much: that will find the right one for me someday, whether it be tomorrow or ten years from now. I just need to be me and let that person come to me eventually rather than trying to hunt them down so furiously, even if I myself end up having feelings for them first. Another assured me of something that's such a rare thing to hear around these parts for people our age: that I'm still young. And even though none of our peers would have us hear it, fact of the matter is it is true nonetheless. We're only just barely more than about a quarter of a way through our life expectancy here on earth. We have plenty of time ahead of us to enjoy both the pleasures and the pains of love but while we're still young (and that we are) we should take the time to sit back and enjoy the smell of roses. And more than anything, learn more about ourselves, the people we love, the people we don't like so much, the people we barely even know, and just generally the world around us; how it works and what our place is in it. There's just too many interesting, wonderful and beautiful things out there for us to explore and to think about for us to concern ourselves with such trivial things when in all reality we don't have to so much.
BroEl: It's very good to hear how far you've come as far as dating is concerned. I know about the... interesting things that happened to you, and I'm just so glad to hear that you've moved past them and are back on the dating scene. Isn't it funny how a little thing like your mindset can affect your whole dating life? You obviously know how much less awkward a date can be when you're not scoping the other person out for marriage. The dates are so much more fun!
ReplyDeleteAnd your friend nailed it right on the head: We are still young! We haven't even hit 25 yet! And the thing is; the average age people get married in Utah is about 6 years younger than anywhere else in the world. In most places, people don't get married until 25 or 26.
The point is; you're right. There's really no rush for us to get married just yet. We should be allowed to sit back and enjoy being single and all the perks that come with it.
So what you said about people going on dates to find their future spouse is true. I actually was scared to date return missionaries for a while, and I would almost always decline a date offer, unless the fact that I had just agreed to a date caught me completely by surprise. When I was 18, I went on a date with a 22-yr-old return missionary who was dating solely to find his future wife. I felt uncomfortable the entire time, but he thought things went great. He asked me out again and again and again, and each time my answer was "I'm busy," "I can't," "Sorry, I'm boycotting boys, dating would kinda go against that." Eventually he found a girl just as desperate as him to be married, and they were engaged after 2 dates. I'm just glad that wasn't me hahaha!
ReplyDeleteLaura, I would have to say that you dodged a bullet there. Sad thing is, most return missionaries are only dating to get married. It's no fault of their own, and it's not really a bad thing. They're just encouraged by their mission presidents to get married as soon as possible when they get home, so that's what they do. But, not all of them are that way.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand the pressure I'm feeling right now! My ex boyfriend just dumped me because of the long distance relationship (which was not my fault, my family had to move!) and he found a girl more like him, his romantic type. Everyone is bugging me because I didn't marry him when I had the chance. But our relationship was not good enough for marriage! Of course I've been hurting but the pressure to marry makes me feel worse for wasting the chance!! Breakups alone are painful but even more when people make you feel like you are not keeping the commandments. Is God disappointed with me really?
ReplyDeleteIf the hurt after a breakup wasn't enough, now I'm coping with the guilt of not being married!
I'm just 20!!! :( Though I liked him, he was not the right person for me!
Now my parents are like: "Ok you lost your chance with J., now date this guy or this guy and get married. Look! he's very good! he's not that bad! You're way toooo picky! Give us grandchildren!" I've been crying a lot because of the breakup and the fear they will make me marry a man I don't love or I don't even like, or well, the stress I will feel until I find a person right for me. I don't know if I will even find him :( all the guys here seem to be crazy to get married no matter what, too. I just don't want to end up marrying a random person, this is the most important decision of my life! :( I really want to choose the person I will spend the rest of my life and eternity with carefully. I love my children and even though I don't know them yet, I want them to be born within a happy marriage where their parents love and understand each other.
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