It's A Cruel, Cruel World...

Quick note: I don’t want anyone to think that I’m trying to be vindictive towards anyone in particular. This post is just random thoughts I’ve had recently that I thought I’d throw out there for you.I’d like to tell you all a story about a friend of mine who goes to the same singles ward as I do. I’m not going to say his name; we’ll just refer to him as Jack.

A little less than a year ago, Jack met a girl who he got along well with, and who got along well with him. The two of them started going out together and liked each other more and more. A few months passed and Jack decided to ask this girl to marry him, to which she said yes. Everyone who knew these two thought that this was a rather smart decision because Jack and his girl fit each other’s personalities so well. Jack was happy, very happy. Unfortunately, a few weeks after the two became engaged, the girl told Jack that they couldn’t get married anymore and broke off the engagement as well as the whole relationship. Jack was very, very sad.

Jack is a good friend of mine so, naturally, I did my best to comfort him. I told him all the useless platitudes: “There is still a girl out there waiting for you” and the like. I knew they didn’t really help, but there’s not much else you can say in a situation like this. Telling a friend that there is still someone out there for them right after they get dumped by the person they thought was that someone isn’t really helpful to anyone. But, that’s not what I wanted to talk about today.

I want to open the floor to discussion. What do you do when you lose that person who made you feel happier than you’ve ever dreamed you could feel? How do you handle it? I could share numerous occasions where I’ve had to deal with losing someone I cared about (some recent, some not so recent), but I won’t bore you with that. (Maybe I will later.) Here’s a question for you: What do you do when you meet someone who you hit it off with almost immediately, go on a few dates with, and then find out that they have a boyfriend that they’re pretty serious with? By the by, what’s the point of going on dates with people when you are already seeing someone? Are you just trying to break people’s hearts by leading them on then telling them that nothing will happen between the two of you? It’s either that, or you really aren’t that serious with anyone. Pick one.

Here’s another story I’d like to share with you about a friend I used to work with. He and I were pretty close when we were working because neither of us has served a mission and have had to deal with the consequences of our decision (see some of my previous posts if you want to know what some of those consequences are). Again, I won’t say his name. We’ll call him Jeff. Anyway, I got an email from Jeff a couple of weeks ago in which he let me know about some of the problems he’s having right now. Apparently, he has the same issues with return missionaries that I do. Jeff has been “going steady” with a girl for about 8 months now and finally decided to pop the question to her. Her answer: “No, because I’m waiting for my missionary to come home.” Jeff was heartbroken, as anyone would be. Not only was his proposal rejected, but it turns out that Jeff had been lied to for 8 months by a girl he thought he would marry. It’s pretty hard to take in, I’m sure. I wasn’t sure what to tell Jeff. So I just told him that he’d be better off without her because, let’s be honest, if a girl doesn’t have the decency to tell you that she’s waiting for a missionary until you’ve dated for 8 months, she’s really not somebody you’d want to spend your life with. He knew that I was right, but that didn’t really help how he was feeling. It really wouldn’t be easy for anyone to deal with; being led around by the nose for that long only to be pulled off a cliff and down into the turbulent sea of despair and deceit.

So, how do we deal with something like that? (I’m using ‘we’ as inclusive for anyone who’s been in a similar situation, gals included.) What are we supposed to take away from the relationship once it’s over? Something like this will leave us with a lot of unanswered questions, and nobody likes those. Let me know how you'd handle a situation like these.

Well, That's Where It All Falls Down, Isn't It?

*WARNING* I’m going to say some things in today’s post that I know a lot of people are going to disagree with and are going to be angry about. Don’t stone me if you don’t agree, because you were warned.

I happened to stumble across Don Osmond’s blog on mormontimes.com and decided to read it. He, like me, tends to talk about dating in the LDS church a lot. In the post I was reading, he was talking about how he feels about dating people of other faiths and whether it’s right to do something like that. He refers to the process known as “flirt to convert” which is where a young man or woman will be interested in someone of another faith and will try to convert them so that they can marry in the temple. It’s a process that happens more often than most people think.

I honestly don’t think that it’s a good idea. If a man or woman only becomes LDS so they can marry you, there’s something missing there. They should want to convert to being LDS because they believe the religion is right, not just so they can get married. But, what do you do if the guy/gal you’re interested in is not of your faith and has made it clear that they don’t plan to be? Should you just put them out of your mind and focus your attention on someone else who believes the same things you do? (This is where I’m going to start saying things that will make you angry.)

Church leaders will say yes to my question. You shouldn’t try to date someone of another faith if they’ve made it clear that they’re not going to convert to being LDS. You’re supposed to get married and sealed in the temple and spend the rest of your life going to church each week with that special LDS guy/gal. But, I disagree. If you find yourself liking (or loving) someone who isn’t LDS and you really, truly feel that you could spend the rest of your life with that person, then do it. If you love someone, and I mean REALLY love someone, you can’t very well just stop loving them because they aren’t of your faith. It’s impossible to completely stop loving someone once you have feelings of real, deep love for them, and if you say you’ve done it, you’re lying. Deep down inside you, there are still feelings for that person and they will nag at you for the rest of your life.

So, how do you work out the marriage situation with someone who doesn’t believe what you believe? Where will you get married? How will you raise your children? There are lots of people who marry people of other religions and things work out. Either one person will convert to the other’s religion, or one will not be that strong in their religion and won’t care that their children go to a different church. Those are just a couple of examples, but you get what I’m saying. The point is; if you really love someone and they really love you back, there shouldn’t be anything on this earth that should deter you from being with each other.

There’s a quote that I feel should be in this post. It’s from the movie “The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (the 2005 version). It’s said by Slartibartfast. He’s talking to Arthur Dent when he says: “I’d much rather be happy than right any day.” It’s a great little quote that can be applied to almost anything. When it comes to marriage, I’d much rather be happy with who I chose to marry. I think most people would. And if you marry someone you really, really love, your chances of being happy are much, much greater.

Again, if you don’t like what I’ve said, let me know in the comments. You probably won’t change my mind, but let me know all the same. Also, let me know if you do agree with me.

Sing, Sing, Sing. I Like To Sing.

I hate it when inanimate objects try to tell me something. It’s pretty frustrating, but can be funny at the same time. Today’s is more on the funny side, with just a touch of coincidence thrown in to make me scratch my head in thought.

At my job I’m allowed to listen to my iPod, which I do every day because it makes the 8 hours I’m here bearable. I usually just set it to shuffle and listen to whatever comes up. Today is no exception. As I’m doing my daily paperwork I’ve got my earbuds in and I’m listening to some great music. Then, something strange happened. The song “Best of My Love” by the Eagles came up. I didn’t really feel like listening to a love song, so I skipped to the next track which happened to be “When You Love Someone” by Bryan Adams. Again, I skipped ahead to the next track. What should come up but, you guessed it, another love song. This time it was “I Love Her” by the Beatles. I was starting to get frustrated at this point and skipped ahead through 5 more songs, all of which were love songs which included “Love Me Do” also by the Beatles, “My Love” by Wings, “Why Can’t This Be Love” by Van Halen “Make You Feel My Love” by Garth Brooks, and finally “I Want To Be Loved” by Prozzak. The song that came up after those was “I Don’t Wanna Be in Love” by Good Charlotte. I stayed on that song, feeling that it summed up my feelings at the moment. After that song was done “Everything I Do, I Do For You” by Bryan Adams, came up, frustrating me even more.

It seems like my iPod is trying to tell me something, but what that is, I’m not sure. Could it be that I’m in love with someone and don’t know it? Or could it be that someone is in love with me and hasn’t told me? Or, is the point it’s trying to get across the fact that I don’t want to be in love? I have no idea. I just thought it was kind of funny. And strange.

Here's Lookin' At You, Kid.

Are looks (good or bad) important in a relationship? Girls: Will you not go out with a guy if he doesn’t dress in the latest fashions? Guys: Will you not date a girl who dresses in unflattering clothing? I know that today’s society has forced a lot of people to only focus on how a person looks instead of how they act, but does everybody do that?

Guys: When you go to pick up a girl for a date and she comes dressed in, say, a hoodie and baggy jeans instead of something a little more flattering, does that change how you’re going to treat her on the date? Or, since this is an LDS dating blog, what if she shows up wearing clothes that are not quite as modest as you would have hoped? Will you think less of her? I would hope the answer would be no, but I know that it’s not going to be, at least, not unanimously. Girls: If a guy comes to pick you up for a date and he is wearing something that you don’t find fashionable, will that change your thoughts of him? What do you generally find acceptable in the way of men’s fashion? Must we wear only button down shirts and slacks when we are with you? Or can we dress in a way that is more comfortable for us?

This doesn’t have to apply to just what we wear. What about actual physical features? Are there lines you will draw as to who you will date that are defined by physical appearance? What parameters do you have in place to limit the amount of “uglies” you date? I know that physical attraction is an important factor in starting a relationship. You have to be attracted to somebody before you start asking them out. But, what features do people find unattractive in another person? I know it’s going to be different for each of us, but I’d still like to know. Or, we could look at this from the other side and ask what features will first attract you to the opposite sex? Is it her hair? Is it his eyes? Is it the way they smile? Please note that I’m asking both guys and girls here.

I’m going to get more into the non-physical features that attract us to each other in my next post, but for now I’d like to get some feedback from all of you about what you like the people you date to look like. Leave some comments and discuss.

Follow Me, Follow You

Yes, I know I already did a post today, but I ran across this and wanted to get everyone’s opinion on the matter.

http://laurabelle89.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-boy-boycott.html is one of the blogs that I follow; it belongs to a good friend of mine, Laura. In this particular post, Laura talks about the “Boy Boycott” that she is currently on. She’s had it with guys and is giving up dating for a while. To quote her: “Guys are dumb… or at least the majority of them are.” She explains the reason for the boycott thus: “I’m not certain I want to deal with all that goes along with dating.” She also goes on to talk about the stresses that this is causing. Guys just don’t seem to get the point that she doesn’t want to go out with them and continue to ask her out over and over. What does everybody think about that? It reminds me of a post I did a while ago about persistence being a virtue or not. If a girl tells you “No, I don’t want to go out with you” that should be it, right? You’ve gotten your answer. But, again, there’s the other side to look at. Can persistence be a good thing in the long run? You know, having that “never say never” attitude has helped people through history, but does it apply here? If a girl has made it clear that she absolutely doesn’t want to date you, or anybody else, should you keep trying?

According to the guys Laura mentions in her blog, a boycott is a dumb idea, but in my opinion, it’s a great idea. Sometimes a break from dating can be a good thing, it gives you a chance to spend some time on yourself and to reorganize your thoughts. So kudos to you, Laura, you stick to what you feel you should be doing and don’t let anyone make you feel different.

(Yes, I know this is kind of just a repeat of a previous post, but this time I have an actual example to use, so I’m using it.)

In Retrospect...

I’ve been reading through some of my older posts and I’ve noticed something similar with all of them. They all seem to deal with the woes of dating and never the good things about it. So, I planned to type up a post today that talked specifically about the good things related to dating. I got about 3 sentences in and quit. I just couldn’t do it without sounding insincere. Besides, isn’t there an old saying that goes something like: “Write about what you know.”? And I’ve had way more experience with the bad side of dating, so that’s what I write about. I’m not trying to say that there aren’t good things about dating, because there are. I just can’t think of any that are post worthy.

This brings an interesting thought to my mind. Why are there so many more bad things about dating than there are good things? Is it because we only seem to notice the bad things and ignore the good? I think it might have to do with us as a society and our liking of bad news. Which is why when you turn on the evening news, there’s mostly stories of murder, sexual deviance and natural disasters. Then, to cap all of that off, they will do one story about something cute or funny or happy that has happened. I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the line people stopped focusing on good things.

But, you’d think with something as fun as dating, people would try to remember the good times they’ve had. But such doesn’t seem to be the case. Instead of reminiscing about that date we went on that was so wonderful and where everything worked out perfectly, we’ll instead think back to that time we took a girl out and everything went wrong and the girl asked to be taken home early. Why do we do it? Do we, deep down, enjoy being miserable? And this doesn’t just apply to dating; it applies to breaking up as well. Think about it, when a girl (or guy) breaks up with you, how often do you think back and say: “Wow, we really had some good times together”? You don’t, do you? Instead you’ll try to remember all the fights you got in with that person, or all the things about them that you didn’t like. With break ups there’s a reason we do this. It’s so we can protect our hearts from hurt. If we spent our time thinking of the good times we had with our ex, we’d just miss them more and we’d become more and more morose. But, even when we’ve only been on one date with a person, we’ll tell stories about the awkward or strange moments to people instead of how, when the two of you finally locked eyes, you really felt something for them. That story will go untold, whereas the story about how you kept giving her flat tires or stepping on her toes will be told and retold numerous times.

So, why do we do it? Are we all truly masochists? That might be it, but I think there might be a more pleasant explanation for it. When we experience an “awkward” moment on a date, it’s usually a result of one of the two people acting like themselves. Think about it. How many dates have you been on where you truly acted like yourself? It’s probably not that many. When we’re on a date with someone, we put on a different persona so that we’re more pleasing to the other person. Awkward moments usually happen when that different persona slips and our “normal” self comes out. And the reason we remember those awkward moments? My guess would be that it’s because of how the other person reacts to “yourself”. If they react in a good way, we’ll remember it because we like the fact that they are okay with how you normally are. If they react in a bad way, we’ll remember it for the opposite reason.

As usual, this is just my speculation on the subject. I’d love to hear what my faithful readers have to say. Leave a comment and let me hear your thoughts.

Why Return Missionaries Have Ruined the Dating Scene in Utah

That’s right; I’m attacking return missionaries in this post. Why, you ask? Because it’s about flogging time that somebody did. I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t like return missionaries, because that’s not true. Most of my best friends are return missionaries, my older brother is one, and my younger brother is going to be in just 5 short months. I think return missionaries are great, but they have made life hard for those of us that didn’t serve missions. I know you probably think I’m being spiteful, and I am, sort of, but with good reason, so hear me out.

Let’s take the average missionary returning home after their 2 years of service. Hopefully, you’ve performed admirably on your mission and will be released with honor. Now you start into your “normal” life, but it’s not going to be normal really, not if you live in Utah. You’ve just become a celebrity. People are going to see you and raise you up on a pedestal high above anyone or anything else. But, it’s not your fault. I’d like to emphasize that here. Return missionaries don’t ask for the praise and adoration they receive, but they’re going to get it whether they want it or not; which is why it’s not their fault that they’ve ruined the dating scene here in Utah.

Anyway, I need to tie this into dating. When I talk about RMs getting praise and adoration from everyone they come across, I mean EVERYONE. Especially young women. Young women of the LDS church have been taught from an early age that they are supposed to marry a young return missionary as soon as they possibly can. It’s been drummed into their heads so much that they don’t even realize how biased and uppity they have become where dating is concerned. If you read my blog regularly, you’ll remember the story I told about two people meeting in a grocery store, dating for a while, and then finding out they are from two different religions. The same thing happens within the LDS religion. A girl and a guy could meet randomly in, oh, let’s say they meet at a movie theater. They talk for a while, find out that both are LDS and become totally infatuated with each other. (We’re going to pretend that the topic of a mission didn’t come up at all. Yes, I know that’s really pushing it.) The two exchange phone numbers and begin courtship. They go on a couple of dates which only increase the feelings of like they have for each other. They talk together on the phone when they’re not together and find out that they have tons of stuff in common with each other. (Yes, we’re still pretending that they haven’t mentioned missions yet. Impossibility, I know, but this is my story.) One night the two decide to watch a movie. The girl chooses “The RM” and pops it in. About 30 seconds into the opening credits, the girl turns to the guy and asks in as innocent a voice as she can: “Speaking of missions, where did you serve on yours?” The guy looks uncomfortable as he replies with: “Oh, I… I didn’t go on a mission.” The girl immediately pulls away from under his arm and stares accusingly at him. At that point, the relationship is over. She just can’t be with a man who didn’t dedicate 2 years of his life to serving. It doesn’t matter how valid of a reason the guy gives her, she can’t be with him. The guy will leave her house that night single once again and will likely never see the girl again, no matter how much he wants to.

Before everyone asks, no, this didn’t happen to me. I doubt it has ever happened exactly like that to any guy, and there’s a good reason why. LDS girls living in Utah will never let a relationship get past the first date without finding out where a guy served his mission. Some won’t even let the relationship get past “Hi, my name is so-and-so” before they ask him about his mission. I’d also like to take a moment to point out that it’s not always the girl’s choice to think and feel the way they do about RMs. I’ve already said that they’ve had it pounded into their heads since they were old enough to stand. No, most girls aren’t that judgmental on their own. They have their parents to thank for making them so shallow.

In my experience, it doesn’t matter how great a guy is, the girl will still reject him if he didn’t serve a mission. A guy could be a Nobel Prize winner and, unless he served, he still wouldn’t have a chance with a Utah LDS girl. And, according to friends who live elsewhere, it really is just the LDS girls in Utah who feel this way.

Anyway, I’d better wrap this up before it gets any longer. I’ll just end by saying this: Girls; learn to step outside the confines that have been placed in your mind by family and church leaders and try to see a guy for who he really is, mission or no. You never know when you’re going to pass up a great guy who could have made you happier than you ever have or will have been just because you can’t see past the menial fact that he didn’t serve a mission. Also, if you find out that a guy you like didn’t serve a mission, don’t judge by that. Ask questions as to why he didn’t. You may find out that a mission wouldn’t have worked for him.

And that’s where I’ll end today. Sorry this post is so long, but it’s a subject I feel strongly about. Let me know how you feel about it in the comments.