I’d like to tell you all a story about a friend of mine who goes to the same singles ward as I do. I’m not going to say his name; we’ll just refer to him as Jack.A little less than a year ago, Jack met a girl who he got along well with, and who got along well with him. The two of them started going out together and liked each other more and more. A few months passed and Jack decided to ask this girl to marry him, to which she said yes. Everyone who knew these two thought that this was a rather smart decision because Jack and his girl fit each other’s personalities so well. Jack was happy, very happy. Unfortunately, a few weeks after the two became engaged, the girl told Jack that they couldn’t get married anymore and broke off the engagement as well as the whole relationship. Jack was very, very sad.
Jack is a good friend of mine so, naturally, I did my best to comfort him. I told him all the useless platitudes: “There is still a girl out there waiting for you” and the like. I knew they didn’t really help, but there’s not much else you can say in a situation like this. Telling a friend that there is still someone out there for them right after they get dumped by the person they thought was that someone isn’t really helpful to anyone. But, that’s not what I wanted to talk about today.
I want to open the floor to discussion. What do you do when you lose that person who made you feel happier than you’ve ever dreamed you could feel? How do you handle it? I could share numerous occasions where I’ve had to deal with losing someone I cared about (some recent, some not so recent), but I won’t bore you with that. (Maybe I will later.) Here’s a question for you: What do you do when you meet someone who you hit it off with almost immediately, go on a few dates with, and then find out that they have a boyfriend that they’re pretty serious with? By the by, what’s the point of going on dates with people when you are already seeing someone? Are you just trying to break people’s hearts by leading them on then telling them that nothing will happen between the two of you? It’s either that, or you really aren’t that serious with anyone. Pick one.
Here’s another story I’d like to share with you about a friend I used to work with. He and I were pretty close when we were working because neither of us has served a mission and have had to deal with the consequences of our decision (see some of my previous posts if you want to know what some of those consequences are). Again, I won’t say his name. We’ll call him Jeff. Anyway, I got an email from Jeff a couple of weeks ago in which he let me know about some of the problems he’s having right now. Apparently, he has the same issues with return missionaries that I do. Jeff has been “going steady” with a girl for about 8 months now and finally decided to pop the question to her. Her answer: “No, because I’m waiting for my missionary to come home.” Jeff was heartbroken, as anyone would be. Not only was his proposal rejected, but it turns out that Jeff had been lied to for 8 months by a girl he thought he would marry. It’s pretty hard to take in, I’m sure. I wasn’t sure what to tell Jeff. So I just told him that he’d be better off without her because, let’s be honest, if a girl doesn’t have the decency to tell you that she’s waiting for a missionary until you’ve dated for 8 months, she’s really not somebody you’d want to spend your life with. He knew that I was right, but that didn’t really help how he was feeling. It really wouldn’t be easy for anyone to deal with; being led around by the nose for that long only to be pulled off a cliff and down into the turbulent sea of despair and deceit.
So, how do we deal with something like that? (I’m using ‘we’ as inclusive for anyone who’s been in a similar situation, gals included.) What are we supposed to take away from the relationship once it’s over? Something like this will leave us with a lot of unanswered questions, and nobody likes those. Let me know how you'd handle a situation like these.
Well I kind of find it funny that the typical guy reaction to this sort of thing is that they'll mope around the house all day, refusing to go outside or they'll just lock themselves in their room and mope about it. Maybe try to find something productive to do, like play a video game or read a book or something. But I only find that funny because I really just can't find myself able to do that.
ReplyDeleteI am able to find something productive to do in stuff like reading or watching anime and sometimes it helps, but it just doesn't seem to help enough, or sometimes I just feel to downright depressed to even want to bother with doing it. The other issue with me is that in a situation like this, I just can't be alone or be too cooped up inside somewhere with all these really depressing thoughts running through your head, because there's just nothing at all productive about it and it only makes me feel worse, like I just can't take this anymore and I swear I'm gonna rot away.
Basically for me, what I find really makes me feel better more than anything else is when I actually do get out of the house. Even if it's just by myself sitting/laying down/pacing around out in the front yard or something. First things first, I just need to get out and get some fresh air and just think about things in the most productive way you can, like "There really isn't much I can do about all this, yeah, but this is what I could probably do about this and maybe it might help things" and such.
But also to go along with that, even if you do find yourself not able to get out, I find it really does help to surround yourself with others who you can talk to or can just hang out with and try to help get your mind off things. But not entirely though, as I've also found it to be quite helpful when you actually do talk to people about the situation in and of itself. Because it helps you really get this stuff off your shoulders. Even if there's not much they can say in advice to help, kind of like the typical cliche phrases you were talking about, sometimes just talking about it with someone in the first place can be the best medicine.
Wow that girl that led him on for 8 months was so mean. How could she do that? If she's waiting for a missionary, then she needed to mention something about that from the start.
ReplyDeleteAs for the getting over people thing, I agree with the person above. I try to keep myself busy. I also like to be around people that I know will make me laugh.
@BroEl: I totally agree with you. There's just something about being in the house that makes it harder to focus on other things. Getting outside and doing things always seems to help me. I also find that talking about the situation helps immensely, as long as that's not ALL you talk about. Dwelling to long on the subject of heartbreak isn't ever a good plan.
ReplyDelete@Laurabelle: Yes, she was very mean. I didn't ever actually meet her, but I already don't like her. And being around people that make you laugh is a great idea. If they can make you laugh despite your sadness, that's a good sign.
@Bryson: Oh yes, I agree as well. There definitely needs to be an even balance between confronting the situation and getting it off your chest and trying to focus on other things at the same time. I think both are equally necessary to help you deal with the situation.
ReplyDeleteI'll also agree with the idea of finding someone/something that'll make you laugh. I think I've also found that comedy can also be a really great way to help deal with things.
@BroEl: I can personally attest to the fact that dwelling too long on heartbreak isn't a good idea. I had a period of a few months where I just couldn't get past my depressed feelings after a break up. I look back at that dwelling period as several months wasted. There was so much more I could have been doing with my time.
ReplyDeleteAnd there's a reason they say that laughter is the best medicine.
Heh heh, that it indeed is.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I get where you're coming from in the sense of dwelling on it too much. It really is time better spent on doing other things. I can attest to that quite a bit myself. My first experience with one of those heartbreak spells came around the same time I graduated from high school, and it took me about a year and a half after that to finally get over it, which quite frankly, is just ridiculous. That was basically my whole first year of college and almost into my second year and there was so much I could have learned and developed as a person from and so many opportunities wasted because of it. It wasn't until I was finally able to put it in my past and move on that I finally felt like I was starting to grow as a person and started fitting in to this whole life after high school thing more. So yeah, I can totally attest to feeling like you were wasting your time dwelling on that sort of thing myself.
I do think it is something that needs to be confronted though, because that can actually play a very good part in helping you deal with it and get over it and the longer you ignore it the more likely you are to continue dwelling on it. But yes, by no means should you dwell on it for too long. Maybe just enough to confront the situation, but that's about it. Like I say, there needs to be a good enough even balance between the two in order to help you get over it better.
Oh, you definitely need to confront the situation, otherwise you're going to have all kinds of pent up emotion inside that's just going to build and build in you until it eventually bursts out of you somehow, which is never pleasant. I do feel, however, that you shouldn't confront the situation on your own. It's best to have someone there to talk to about it so that they can keep you from slipping further into the dark pit that is your emotions, which is why I agree so much with Laurabelle. Having someone else there really helps.
ReplyDeleteThe worst experience I've had with dwelling on sadness was after my second girlfriend left me. Combine that with one of my close friends killing herself and you get a recipe for depression that lasts for well over a year. It was, as you said, ridiculous.
Yes, that's actually very understandable why you would go through a state of depression like that. Loosing your close friend, especially in that manor, can really have that effect on people. Add onto that loosing your girlfriend and that just makes it worse. I am glad you were eventually able to recover from it all though, being able to do that really shows and builds character.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, I fully agree that confronting the situation with the help of other people is much, much better than trying to confront it on your own. If anything I think that's the best thing I could have ever done for myself, and it's probably what's helped me the most.
That's what eventually did it for me. I decided to come out of the shell I had built around myself and ask my friends and family for help, which they gave and which really helped. Sometimes it's hard to ask people for help with those kinds of emotions because you never really know what they are going to say or do to help or hurt you. That's why you need to know who your real friends are. And family should always be able to help you with almost any situation.
ReplyDeleteI know, that's exactly what happened with me in that aforementioned situation. Even though I was going through hard times if you knew me you would've never had a clue that I was, that's how much I wanted to shoulder it myself. Without a doubt what was the #1 reason why I eventually got over it was when my best friend started hanging out with me more for the first time since we graduated. Not only did he have an inside track to this whole situation, but he was actually quite involved in it and knew exactly how I felt. So I was kind of thrown into talking it out with him about it naturally, which was great for me because there was just no chance whatsoever I had of letting it all out otherwise. I think that was really one of the first times I discovered how much talking it out with someone makes a difference. You just have to remember that those people who really care about you only have your best interests in mind, and anything they say is only meant to help you no matter what it is they say. So there should be no reason to fear talking to them in the first place.
ReplyDelete